Another failed mat leave

[Momrage]

I have loved my second maternity leave, don't really want it to end. But I can't help feeling like I've failed both myself and DC.

An entire year off and I'm no closer to having any kind of social life, mum friends or even play date pals for DC.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm lonely, but the thought of having any social interaction feels like a burden and fills me with anxiety. I've got pre-mum friends who are lovely and supportive, but I just find I don't want to go out in the evenings and dragging DC along to daytime stuff doesn't really work for anyone.

There have been several occasions when I've had the opportunity to make friends, one mum gave me her number but I just got swept up in the day to day of parenting 2 and never got round to contacting. With DC1 I had NCT mums, but the group splintered after mat leave ended and I quickly fell through the cracks.

Sometimes even small talk feels impossible. If I see acquaintances in the street my gut reaction is to flee. Fucking weirdo that I am.

The thing that really is upsetting me is that I worry this is now impacting DCs. I don't have anyone to meet for play dates. DC2 is more active, and my time and attention is much more divided. Being able to meet up with other toddler parents would be so beneficial for DC1.

Don't get me wrong I regularly take them to play groups and soft play. I threw DC1 a birthday party which everyone form his nursery came to and it was great. I hoped it would kickstart some social stuff, but it didn't really. And I repeatedly fail to move interactions beyond surface level pleasantries.

It's clearly me, I'm the same at work. Good relationships with everyone, but no real work pals. I'm hybrid and can go days not really Teams chatting to anyone beyond work conversations, I honestly don't feel like I have the capacity and yet then I miss the connection.

Not entirely sure what I'm hoping to gain with this thread. DC1 and DC2 are at nursery today, I start work in a few days and I guess it just feels like I've missed the opportunity now

It isn’t a failure.

your dc does not care if you make friends and if they go to playgroups and similar will be perfectly well socialised.

however you do sound anxious. In similar circumstances I found medication helpful and my anxiety did slowly ease.

How old is DC1? Over 3, they probably have opinions about which kids they'd like to have playdates with. You say the party didn't kickstart anything social, but it still can, because if the kids all came, that probably means you now have their parents' numbers. So you absolutely can start texting parents and inviting them over for a playdate on a weekend. They'll stay for 2 hours max, the kids will play, and you can have a cup of tea with the parent, but you won't have to do that much small talk because you'll both be supervising your children.

I absolutely hated social interactions post pregnancy. I literally felt like I had forgotten how to properly interact with other adult human beings.

Sleep deprivation, ppa and obviously being home a lot more didn't really help. But I would say I think there's a lot of pressure to make 'mum friends' and in reality it's very hard and a lot aren't really that sustainable because the only thing you really have in common is that you both have a small child. So I found there were some people I got on well with superficially but then underneath that we weren't actually that compatible as people. Mat leave can be very isolating but honestly op I wouldn't be looking at it as a 'failure'. You've given yourself time to heal physically and emotionally, you've been able to connect with your baby and keep them safe and secure which is a great start to being in the world and you've retained your existing friendships. That isn't failure.

Possibly, I had a loss before DC1 and that definitely caused significant anxiety, I thought that was over and done but maybe it's just manifested differently with each DC. Pre-DC I have taken AD, which at the time was the right choice but just completely numbed me to any feelings, bad or good. I worry anxiety meds will have a similar effect, and I also BF and really do not want to mess with my supply as it wasn't easy for me.

I think in terms of your DC, it's fine - it's actually easier once babies are bigger and everyone is back to work. I found the whole thing of rhyme time etc. with a baby under 1 a bit of a trial - DD wasn't that fussed and she required enough one-on-one interaction that you can't really chat with other parents. But by the time she was older she actually wanted to play with other children and it felt more rewarding, and you could have a conversation that wasn't 90% concentrating on your own baby and 10% trying to remember what the other person had just said.

It might be you need to be a bit more thick skinned about following up on things? What's the worst that would happen if you texted the person who got in touch with a breezy 'OMG, maternity leave is over and I didn't reply six months ago ... where has the time gone?! Would be lovely to reconnect if you're up for it; DC and I go to the park some weekends/we were going to have a walk by the river now the weather's nicer/whatever it is you do'. Likewise with people who came to the party, can you just cold-email with 'does [DC name] fancy a playdate one Saturday morning?'

You'll get some silences but you will also find your people. I struggled when I moved house when DD was 13 months, because I moved to an area where a lot of mums work part-time or a SAHMs - they have seemingly infinite time during the day and do expect everyone to be 'on it' socially, keeping in contact a lot. But with a bit of looking I found other people who were more like me. You just need the people who are fairly relaxed and quite happy to go quiet when things are busy and meet up for playdates when it's not.

Sounds like anxiety, I had a terrible period of this following bereavement and felt like a different person. I would suggest counselling. You at least know to some extent why so can at least tackle it.

I’m the same as you I am on mat leave at the moment and the thoughts of going to a mother and baby group just fills me with dread for some reason. No groups with my first cos it was during Covid. You aren’t alone . I’m sure plenty of mums exist like us who don’t have lots of mum friends etc . I wouldn’t worry about the kids they will be getting plenty of socialising with other kids at nursery.

My next door neighbour has a 4 month old and a 6 year old and she told me she’s not doing baby groups and I’m sure she didn’t do NCT. She has friends nearby and lots of family. I think if she did bump into a mum with similar age baby at a cafe and they got chatting she might follow up but she’s happy as she is. Her youngest will be going to nursery.

Sorry to hear that. I also lost a parent during DC1s first trimester and now that I think about it it's definitely had a larger effect than I realised. I guess with all this stuff under the surface (which I know everyone has) it's difficult to really connect, but also feels far too heavy/personal to share. So it all stays surface level. I guess that's all it needs to be for a play date though. Can you tell I'm an overthinker 😅

"Don't get me wrong I regularly take them to play groups and soft play. I threw DC1 a birthday party which everyone form his nursery came to and it was great"

1. Focus on what you have done. We have a negativity bias that means we're likely to fixate on perceived failures rather than enjoying successes.
2. You're going through a massive transition and helping 2-3 other himan beings through their own massive transitions. I think it's normal to feel withdrawn and disconnected at these times - they're so personal and unique. On the other hand, if you can find a friend going through something similar, it can be a huge comfort.
3. Don't be the prisoner of your disappointed expectations. Look out for even the smallest things that make you feel good.

have you considered that you are masking autism? female autism presents very differently to male autism maybe google the traits

I am also very unsociable, I never had "mum friends" I went back to work quite quickly. But it doesn't mean you are letting your DC down. In spite of me being unsociable both DS are quite sociable and made their own friends at school and uni. Don't beat yourself up - you don't need to do the whole mum friends thing unless you want to for you.