If you are a “child of divorce”…

[orangestriped]

…and your care was shared between your parents, how did you honestly find it? How do you reflect back on it now?

Ironically I am a child of divorce, but I’m finding it really hard to navigate my future if I separate from DH. My parents divorced when I was 7. I still saw my dad, but we didn’t have a set routine in place and I remember staying over only a few times. My “secure base” was definitely at home with mum. It didn’t impact on my relationship with my dad and we’re still close 30 years on.

I have a 4yo, who is used to being with me most of the time. DH works long hours. He has made comments about demanding 50/50 which I feel he is doing in an attempt to upset me. He would have to wholesale change his work patterns and habits to accommodate that, & ultimately I think it would be too big a change for DC, at least immediately. I have said that could be something to aim for at DC’s pace.

I’d love to hear the perspective of adults who lived between their parents during their childhood. What was good, what was bad. What did you wish was done differently etc? Do you think age makes a difference?

Thanks so much in advance for any comments shared x

My parents divorced when me and my sister were 5 and 6.

We didn’t see our dad Mon-Fri (though we would speak on the phone), but we went to his every weekend for 3 weeks running and then on the 4th weekend we stayed at our mum’s house.

This pattern remained throughout the school holidays and we had a holiday abroad with him each year over the summer holidays.

It was great and it meant we looked forward to every weekend because we couldn’t wait to see our dad.

Back when I was young it was the norm for children to spend the week with one parent and the weekends with the other, whereas these days it seems to be more common for parents to have alternate weekends and mid-week overnight stays here and there, all of which I think can be quite unsettling.

I think children should have a main and stable base just because I think navigating their parents separation is difficult enough for them without constantly going between different houses at different times from week to week (but that’s just my opinion).

My parents split when I was 4. I used to stay with my dad and stepmum at weekends. It was a bizarre childhood as my mum was very east end working class, we often couldn’t put the heating on in our council house, we went years without a TV. I never felt neglected though, always had clean clothes and enough food. Snuggling up in the winter with my mum is one of my happiest memories as we weren’t emotionally close.
Weekends at my dads was all cultural day trips, riding horses, visiting country houses and antiques markets. He had a beautiful renovated Georgian house like something out of a magazine, all rebuilt by hand by him and my stepmum. Complete opposite end of the spectrum!

my kids have had 50/50 and they were happy with it. Me and their dad get on ok, we pull together when needed.

Thanks @LondonLady1980

I think children need a main base too. Im
thinking along the lines of alternate weekends because I really want to have some down time with DC too, as mid week is just the school rush etc. But I recognise that it could feel like a long wait to see dad.

It’s reassuring to hear that you enjoyed the arrangement. Was there anything you thought could have been done differently?

Thanks also @Twodogsisbetterthanone

Can I ask how old your kids are and what the 50/50 pattern is?

They are all older now, only one still at home following the pattern. We’ve done Weds to Sat(then Sunday on the following week). This only works because their dad is local enough to do school runs on his Monday and Tuesday obviously.