Have you ever been a friend who's gone no contact?

[SayGoatRuinAQuote]

Based off another thread, but the opposing view.

I've never been ghosted, but I have once ghosted a good friend (well, not terribly good - obviously - but we'd been friends since we were little so there was an easy familiarity there).

She told a few mutual friends some incredibly private information about me that I'd only told her. I was so hurt, I couldn't even confront her. She's also one of these people who would say, "I have a big mounth, it's not my fault" and that would be that. Weirdly, I carried on being friends for another year or so, although with hindsight I can see I was mentally withdrawing. Then she did something fairly minor (cancelled very last minute on a concert we were meant to go to).

I then just totally withdrew (almost like I was waiting for the straw that broke the camels back). For a while I wanted to tell her exactly why, because I know she will have thought I was over-reacting about her not coming to the concert. But in the end I thought... what does it matter? I'm not trying to salvage anything and nothing she says will ever rebuild my trust in her. If I can't ever tell her anything personal again, what is the point in our friendship? Part of me hopes she realises the real reason I broke contact, but I also know she isn't nearly reflective enough.

I'd be interested to know if any of you have had a similar experience and what your reasons were for ghosting, rather than telling them exactly why you want to end the friendship.

I have done both, to be honest I much prefer getting it off my chest and telling them why, this does lead to excuses and trying to salvage the friendship though. I’ve gone no contact without word and have no regrets but the one I told I definitely found harder due to those reasons but again, I don’t regret.

Yes I ghosted a friend when I reached the point where I had to lie down in a darkened room after spending time with her.

She would talk AT ME non stop. She was totally self obsessed and I got bored of it.

I went NC with a best friend of 15 year.
ended up blocking her on everything.

i didn't agree with someone she done, police involved etc.

no regrets. My life is drama free now she's gone

Do you think long-term the friend you gave reasons to found it harder?

I suspect after a while they might have made peace with it, while the other friend who you ghosted might struggle with it in the long-term (due to not having any closure).

I have, yes. Over time it became very much a one sided relationship. I became the person she vented AT without reciprocating and I became the person she asked for money here and there for this and that with never any repayment. It just ran its course.

I really wish I'd cut contact immediately after finding out what my friend had done, although I didn't find out for a while. In that way, like your case, she could be in no two-minds why I'd cut contact, and we also wouldn't have to have a final conversation.

Yes, so the friend I gave reasons to, I found it harder as they saw it as having a chance to redeem themselves and I guess talk their way out of it, I found the back and forth unreality really after stating I no longer wished for communication. Yes I guess if you’re thinking about them of course it’s easier to tell them but in this world I do think we need to be a little selfish to protect ourselves.

Yep. He was using me to offload on every day, asking way too much of me emotionally yet never ever asked me how I was.

Then my Dad died and I was in pieces, told him what had happened and asked for some peace while he was mid-brain dump and all I got was an ‘oh, sorry to hear’ and then the next day he started whining again about some inconsequential shit. I ghosted him there and then. Occasionally he’ll send me some random message but I have never replied to him since.

Forgot to add. I had a friend who sounds like yours and don’t believe they see wrong either way, you tell them, they try sweet talk, maybe apologise or event out right deny, no contact they probably won’t realise it’s anything they’ve done either, some people just genuinely don’t believe they can do wrong and I wouldn’t waste my breath on someone like that

I really dislike calling it ‘ghosting’ or ‘going no contact’ when it’s basically just moving on from a friendship without indulging in some massive emotional break-up conversation.

I have withdrawn from a few friendships in my time, largely with overbearing people who can’t take no for an answer and thrive on conflict, so there would be no point in trying to talk it through. They’d just insist I was wrong to feel the way I did, and that I was required to do friendship their way, on their terms, serving their interests and agendas. And that is exactly why I didn’t want to be friends with them anymore.

They were generally people who were part of a social group, rather than close one on one friends. I’d often slip away from the whole group, as these personalities tend to dominate.

Yep because they just didn't value my time. Kept leaving early. Final straw when she didn't turn up as forgot, forgiveable. What wasn't forgiveable was that she just kept laughing about it and didn't seem sorry.

Completely agree, some people take zero responibility for their actions and there is nothing you can say to make them. To the point where I actually forgot that I did mention to her! She just completely brushed it off ("Did I? I don't remember that"). I felt almost gaslit and had to digest the fact I'd never get an apology and the friendship was destroyed.

Yes and it pisses me off that when I pass her house she still has my good - on loan till you get some money curtains up 😤
Our DP were friends, we were thrown together and became fast friends. Over 10 years we were close, the kids close. Then things changed and it felt like I'd lost my right arm. They know why we dropped off the face of the earth. No need to discuss it. Didn't mean it didn't hurt at the time.
Years on I'm over the loss of the friendship, just not them curtains!

I did. She was negative and said dreadful things about her step child. Her children were also rude.

I had a friend who did this! She was also rude to restaurant staff and cab drivers, so one day I said she was rude and I didn’t want to hang out with her any more.

Do you worry that she'll think you are over-sensitive and the only reason you stopped talking to her was because of this final incident (rather than a culmination of things)? Or do you not really care about her opinion any more?

I’ve never gone NC with a friend, like because I was upset with them. But yes, definitely lots of friendships that have drifted and we no longer keep in touch. It’s fine to no longer be close anymore and just a natural part of life. I think if you’re to intentionally cut someone off, it’s probably polite to say why. But that’s different than just drifting apart.

I have had two friends very intentionally cut me off. One was my best friend in my 20s. I went abroad to work and met Dh. When I came home, we were getting engaged and moving in the direction of marriage and children. She broke up with her long term partner and just never spoke to me again after that. I think it was just too much to see me happy and moving forward when everything was falling apart for her. 20 years later, she’s still single, never had children, still won’t speak to me, though we still have mutual friends. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Another friend badgered me for like a year to come visit and use our house as basically a base for a holiday. She’s a teacher so was always during school holidays. It’s difficult for me to take off school holidays and back them ours were in full day holiday club, so Dh and really needed those weeks for work and couldn’t be hosting a friend and her dc while wfh. I kept saying no, sorry, we can’t get time off each time a holiday rolled around and she asked to come stay. Finally after the 5th no, sorry, she blocked me and I haven’t heard from her again. 🙄

I had a friend like that, I too no longer see her after the last time when I actually had a number of things, good & bad & interesting going on in my life and yet when I got home I realised she’d asked me nothing and I couldn’t get a word in edgeways to have told her anyway.

I ghosted someone who was using me as an excuse to her husband to meet up with blokes she was shagging behind his back, she’d arrange to ‘bump into’ them when we were out and I was staying over at her house where her husband was at home looking after their kids, I couldn’t look him in the eye in the morning even though she didn’t give a shit.

I just stopped returning her calls/messages.

I haven’t, but I’m always really interested in those threads. It would really devastate me to have it happen, but I can’t help but notice how often the ghosted person mentions it being during a v difficult time in their life. I think many times the ghoster just doesn’t have capacity and chooses the kinder route

No. But after a friend cancelled coming to my hen do last minute, then my wedding last minute I kind of just… never contacted her again. And she hasn’t either so that told me what I needed to know.

Never occurred to me that she thought me oversensitive. I put time and effort into my friendships and expect the same in return or at least, some respect. I'm a really good friend and have been there when needed. I'm not a walkover though.
I ignored her last text. She didn't check to see that I was ok after that which I would've done if the other way round. It was a one way street and I got fed up not being met halfway. She knew that I was having some personal issues. She also had them previously and I always listened. Sad but true.

Both. The one that ghosted me, best friends for years, lots of mutual friends etc, never told me why. To this day I don’t know, and that was really hard (unnecessarily so I think, sorry op). Many years ago now and definitely for the best in hindsight.

The friend I ghosted was in no doubt why, I didn’t have to explain. She turned out to be a lying, manipulative, awful person who was eventually found out.

I texted her and she replied ‘who’s this?’

This was after let down after let down after let down.

I see her sister occasionally, she always says ‘she’s asking after you, is everything okay? You would tell me if she did something wrong wouldn’t you?’ but I just can’t be bothered.

I have gone no contact with a friend for similar reasons to the OP. Turns out ‘friend’ had been bad-mouthing me to a third party - not just me, but DP and my two kids too, which was the bit that finished me off. I found out because the 3rd party sent me an email at my work listing out all of the personal things she knew about me and my family along with comments that my ‘friend’ had said. They were things that couldn’t have come from anywhere else.
I rang her and told her that I knew she’d been chatting about me and she denied it (but also apologised and grovelled) so I knew that it had come from her. I was her son’s godmother so sent to him at Christmas and birthday until he was 18 but that was my lot.
I have no doubt at all that others in the small town we live in have also been privy to my personal info as she was a person who chatted to everyone. It’s made me wary of bothering with friendships now and I don’t confide in anyone anymore. I’m grateful to the person who told the truth to me though.