I had a traumatic childhood, can anyone relate?

[Terriblechildhood2]

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I was recently browsing another website where people talked about what things might be traumatic but not typically considered so, and I realised I've experienced many of them, unfortunately.

I had an awful childhood, even among other abuse suffers mine was relatively bad. Both parents alcoholic and substance abuse, untreated mental health issues, sibling with polysubstance abuse and untreated mental health issues. I was often parentified. I grew up in poverty, was sexually abused by two family members, physically by another two (including being threatened with firearms from an early primary age), and emotionally and verbally by them all. We lived in squalour, my mum was a hoarder and we often had insect and rodent infestations, so bad that you could hear the mice or rats climbing through the walls at night, chewing through everything and leaving everything covered in faeces. And of course not having money for heat, rising damp and black mould everywhere. My mum made multiple suicide attempts, sometimes even screaming and leaving me (at a young age, 7 or so) on the other side of the door trying to rescue her.

That's just a short summary. Why we avoided intervention is unclear to me, I presented well and was always quiet at school, got good marks, and I reckon our catchment had enough other problems that flagged for social services that we fell between the cracks. I was also quite aware I didn't want to go to foster carers so made sure never to let on at school.

I'm doing relatively well now, I have had loads of therapy and have a loving and supportive husband and even two healthy DC of my own. My childhood feels unreal to me, especially seeing how normal and healthy the environment is for my own children. Parenting is traumatising in its own way as I realise how objectively horrific my own childhood was. I wonder if others have experienced such abuse. I don't want to minimise anyone else's trauma, but sometimes when people talk about their trauma, it seems isolated to just 1-2 things, whilst I seem to have experienced them all 😫

So sorry you went through all that. You are amazing for coming through it and making a great life to yourself, so impressive x

What you went through was horrific and I’m really sorry you went through that. You were let down by every person who was supposed to protect you.

We do need to try not to compare our trauma with other people’s in order to say they didn’t have it as bad as you.

I'm so sorry. That's horrific. You are strong person, remember that.

I wasn't abused, but I was neglected. My mother wasnt very present. She would stay in bed all day and get up at night and argue with my father. I think the lack of attachment to a parent made me withdrawn and quiet at school, and I never really fitted in. I still don't.

There wasn't food in the cupboards. My dad would make dinners such as plain rice and chickpeas without butter or seasoning. Rice with baked beans mixed in. Occasionally macaroni or burgers. There was no normal food in the fridge like yogurts, bread that wasn't stale, just anything I could make myself of I was hungry. I weighed 3 stone at the age of 11. As a child I had very dark circles under my eyes and my skin was pallid and sort of yellowish. I genuinely think I was suffering severe malnutrition and I am appealed that the school didn't pick up on it.

My teeth were atrocious. Yellow, and full of fillings. By age 10 I had a filling covering about a third of one of my top front teeth. So I didn't like to smile. It compounded my social anxiety. I believe this was partly due to my diet, and partly, because they simply did not raise me to brush my teeth. I still can't really get over how they neglected me on such a basic way. I heard on tv you brush your teeth three times a day, but I thought that was just a fake TV thing. My child brain just didn't click that I needed to brush my teeth. I didn't even have a toothbrush

Nothing was clean. The whole house was dirty. My clothes weren't washed enough, and I really bathed. The house was covered in grime, and cold. The only clothes I had were school clothes. My parents didn't have much money, bit they spent a hell of a lot of it on cigarettes. I understand addiction, but they could have cut down, or used tobacco sometimes which is cheaper. There often wasn't soap or toilet paper in the house.

I was shy to be happy around my father. I think he resented being a parent. He was an angry, distant, emotionally cold man. He did take us out swimming and to pictures sometimes, I will give him that, I guess he did try in some ways.

I still struggle with my teeth. I have a mouth full of crowns through the early damage and my enamel is so weak they keep breaking.

I remember one Christmas, after opening my few small gifts, being so disappointed that I didn't get any clothing.

It was strange going to friends houses. To see how clean they were, and how much stuff the kids had, clothes, toys, snacks in the fridge and cupboards.

A dentist once asked me to keep a food diary so she could assess my diet. But I was too ashamed to let her know I had hardly anything to eat, so I would make things up or pretend I forgot to bring it. I wish I had told her and maybe things would have turned out differently for me.

I do not know how this wasn't all picked up by the school or social services. I don't understand how they could have consistently neglected me to such an extreme basis. I know my mum wasn't well, but it's just hard to understand even if she wasn't. I think she sort of just thought I should have known how to take care of myself. We have a good relationship now, anyway.

@Shuffletoesxtreme thank you for these kind words.

@FreshInks Thank you for your kind words. Apologies, I didn't mean to turn it into a race. It's just that even therapists are shocked by what I've been through. When I've shared with friends even small bits of what I've experienced they're horrified and it feels like too much to burden them with. Even DH doesn't know everything. (Not to say it's appropriate to burden anyone else, but I notice as I grow older that it still weights on me and I wonder if my fatigue comes from what I went through, I seem so much more tired than some of my peers.)

@ThatFairy Thank you so much for sharing here. And I'm very sorry to you too for what you've gone through. Much of what you say is so familiar, seeing how different other houses were, vague ideas that people might be concerned but wanting to cover it up. And yes, Christmas and holidays passed with no gifts or sometimes something hastily wrapped a few days late and completely inappropriate (a jar opener, adult pants.) I also still struggle with connecting and feeling like I fit in, having confidence, and projecting an image. I also don't know how social services didn't get involved but I reckon so much happens behind closed doors. Or perhaps in your case people worry about being seen as judgmental? I'm not sure how old you are but I do think they do more awareness and teaching around neglect and abuse nowadays. I'm glad you've been able to find a path to a relationship with your mum. Mine drank herself to death, liver cancer from cirrhosis that spread to her lungs. We didn't keep in touch and I believe she died alone. Even now I feel guilty saying that but know there was nothing I could do, and I wouldn't have wanted my DC around her. Sending you lots of strength tonight