How much family time do you have?

[Poxette]

DH works 7am - 6pm mon-fri. I work part time during the week, am responsible for all the kid’s stuff and am also studying for a degree.

So life is quite full on. Every weekend we do stuff together. If I have a deadline, DH might take the DC swimming so I can study. But in general we do everything together, every weekend.

I thought we were all happy with this, but today DH made a comment that we are extreme, and his friends don’t have so much family time.

We’re both aware that soon enough our DC will spend weekends with friends and not us, and want to enjoy our time together.

What is normal in your house?

We very rarely had time where it was both DH and I with the kids. We chose to work opposite days/shifts so it was always pretty much just one of us with the kids at any time they were awake. If it was something really special one of us would have had to take leave so we could be DH, myself and kids. Otherwise just did everything routinely with them as one parent, often joined with friends families to do days out like zoo etc, so the adult had other adults to talk to as well.

However, every third year we would take a big family vacation of 4-6 weeks, whatever we could get off work, as by every third year leave had banked up significantly so employers willing for you to get rid of it.

We're often all together at the weekends although often DH will go into work for a bit - self-employed so a chance to catch up in peace without staff there. We'll often do something all together but also things on our own, either a hobby or a job - gardening, bike ride, mow lawn, clean car etc. If anyone wants to do something else with someone else then that fine. I think as long as there's flexibility and an acknowledgement that people can go off and do other stuff then there's nothing extreme about it. Weekday evenings are generally busy with kids' activities so we all definitely see less of each other then.

We are generally together mornings before school and after school from 3:30pm. I don’t work at the moment (cancer), but even before I was off sick, I generally worked school hours. Dh is self employed, so also generally works school hours or at least is around doing stuff in the afternoon so is present with the dc, even though he might be loading the van for the next day or returning emails at the table while they build Lego.

On the weekends, we do generally spend time together or often we divide and conquer, each take a dc to do something, as we have an age gap and they enjoy different things and have different activities. We do go and do things individually as well. For example, this weekend, I’m volunteering running a workshop for a charity all day on Saturday. Dh is taking the dc to collect some rescue chickens. 😂 Other weekends, Dh might take 2 hours and go for a cycle, or he might take youngest and go meet a friend with his similar age dc at the pub. I sometimes go for a swim or a hike or go do something with my horse.

I think this is typical for most families. Mix of family stuff and individual pursuits. There are families where weekends are all about mum keeping the kids occupied so dad can have a lie in, go to the gym and then watch the football in the pub the rest of the day, but that’s not the sort of family we are. You do both need your own time and you do need 1 to 1 time with children too.

That wasn't us, at weekends we always did a mixture of some things all together and then one parent taking the DCs so the other could do their own thing, or each parent taking one DC to do do different things. It would have felt suffocating for both of us if we had never had any free time of our own and the DCs enjoyed one on one time with a parent. It worked out fairly even for free time for each of us and has continued as a pattern now they are young adults, although obviously we can all do our own thing and no need for childcare, a typical weekend will see each of us doing different things with different family members at different times as well as all doing our own things.

Do either of you not ever see your friends OP? That’s the only thing I’d be slightly concerned about.

We have a family day on the weekend, but it’s just 1 day. That evening we’re free to see our friends/ have a night out or whatever and then the other weekend day we’re free to do whatever, sometimes that’ll end up being another family day if neither of us has other plans, but no, we don’t do every Saturday and Sunday spent solely together. We couldn’t anyway as DH works 1 or 2 weekends every month due to his job. I quite like the weekends he works tbh as DC and I either plan something with friends or my mum will babysit DC so I can go and do something with my friends.

I've been thinking about this recently actually as we've tended to spend all weekend, every weekend together as a family (2 adults, 2 kids) - which often works well for all parties.
However, I've started to think that we maybe don't need to do this and have been doing other things eg. One adult with one child, or me seeing a friend etc.
I think it's just about balance. We all want time together but also apart. We all have our own friends and hobbies. Equally, we know family time is precious.

Our DC are nearly 4, and 1. We do most stuff on the weekends together, most of the time. DH always takes DS1 swimming one morning, so DS2 and I have time together then, maybe we do the food shop, maybe we just chill at home. We often have days out, or playdates with friends on a weekend afternoon. We each get one morning to lie in. I sometimes meet friends, and DH will sometimes do exercise. But more often than not we are all together for the majority of the weekend.

We are like you, we spend all weekend together as a family of 4. DCs do a dance lesson at different times on Saturdays and a swimming lesson at the same time on Sundays, so we are separated for the dance lessons, but we all get together before/after. A few times a year there will be an event for just one of them (eg party, theatre trip for eldest) and we split up then, but we try to minimise that.

We don't spend time with friends or family or go out to the gym or anything like that in the evenings or weekends. I am able to do that kind of thing during school hours as I work pt.

DH has a short commute so he's out of the house 8.30-5.30. The rest of the time we're all getting ready together in the morning, or having dinner as a family and doing homework/games together.

It works for us and I don't feel any of us are missing out on anything. I know the older years will mean the dcs won't want to spend as much time with us, so I'm enjoying this time while we have it.