What happens when you just can't do it anymore?

[Ivegotnothingleft]

I have had diagnosed depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. Also diagnosed autism 2 years ago. I have always just got on with it, plodded on and on. But I just don't know how to keep going anymore. I feel so tired, so crushingly low all the time. I have tried so many things, medication, therapy and done all the things you are supposed to like exercise, eating well etc. I only work two days a week, but I just don't think I can do it anymore.

I have no children or pets. I live alone. What if I just ...stopped. Stopped going to work. Just permanently curled up into a ball. I'm guessing the bank would evict me from my house when I stop paying the mortgage. Would I end up on the streets? Would I starve to death? I am trying to decide if that would be preferable to the anxiety of going to work, and preferable to trying to pretend I'm ok. I don't think I have the energy to even smile anymore.

I think I would look at it differently op. What could you do work wise that would suit you better? Is it the environment you are working in? Could you work from home. If you feel that low are you having help currently. I don’t think your mortgage would be paid by uc.

What sort of life would you like to have OP?
With no children or pets, you really are in a good position to find yourself and what makes you feel good and creating a life you want to live.

You could curl up and hibernate too, but rents are high here and you'd have only a limited run of it

I like my job. I just feel so empty and awful all the time. My job could be anything and I'd feel the same. I'm so exhausted just living and trying to look after myself. Brushing my teeth every morning for example is exhausting.

There's nothing wrong with my life. There's nothing I'd change. There's nothing more I want. I just feel so low and awful for no obvious reason. The most basic of tasks are such a chore. Cooking myself a meal might be the only thing I get done in a day.

OP you sound like you are in burnout, autistic burnout. Please consider making a doctor's appointment, can you afford to go private to expedite it? Just in case they have any suggestions you haven't tried, or new angles for things you have tried, which might work better this time.

Are you female? How old are you? Could it be perimenopause? I found that peri creeping up on me absolutely ruined all my previous hard-won coping mechanisms and destroyed my energy right back to survival mode HRT has made improvements (not perfect, bit it's got me back on my feet).

Is there anyone you could meet up with, just for an hour, a cup of tea, to get some time out of you own head? I really feel for you. People have no idea how much effort it takes to continue, when you have these things going on health-wise. ❤️ Please keep posting here and you won't be alone, we are here.

Do you think some of it is seasonal?

the wider world is in chaos. It feels quite apocalyptic, plus it's bleak and miserable and winter is never-ending.
It is hard to stay positive.

I think it's that time of year that we just need to get through.
Try and find small things that make you smile and keep doing them.
The routine of your job. It's OK to hibernate a bit.
I am trying to keep the faith that better days are coming.

The crocuses are starting to come out, and I even saw some daffodils yesterday!

Thank you for the lovely message. I actually have a GP appointment next week, I wanted a blood test to see if that would give any clues. I had one 5 years ago though and all fine.

I'm female and 30 so no peri-menopause.

I have a lovely partner but I am trying not to show him how bad I feel, because there's nothing he can do to help. I do tell my mum and she's lovely too and listens. She thinks I'm having a breakdown and wants me to go on stress leave for a bit, but my workplace is not sympathetic to mental health problems.

Sounds like autistic burn out, could you take a few weeks sick leave from work?

I don't think so. I'm not affected by what's going on in the world. It could be a beautiful summer's day and I would feel the same. I just want to curl up and sleep.

My workplace isnt very supportive of anyone being ill. Everyone's expected to just push through. It's very difficult for everyone else when someone is ill. I was off two years ago for a couple of weeks for stress and they made me feel very bad for it.

What do you do for work?
Do they know you're autistic?

Whether they are sympathetic or not, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to take time off if you need.
I would suggest asking for a chat with your boss or hr and telling them that you are struggling with your mental health and have been diagnosed with autism, and wanted to let them know, because you're not sure if you need any adjustments right now, but you wanted to keep them in the loop, and wondered if there was any workplace counselling or support they could offer?

Or even do it as an email? That might be less hideous than face to face.

Ask for all the vitamin levels to be checked. D, B12, folate and ferritin.
low levels can contribute to the exhaustion

2 years ago, you didn't have a protected characteristic OP x

I'm glad you have your mum to be there for you. And hopeful that the blood test will rule out anything that might be impacting you.

I agree with previous posters, I think if you feel able to, it might be worth asking the doctor to sign you off work for a month or so. There is absolutely no shame in it- you were not born to work, you were born to be you, and if you need time to get well and pick yourself up off the floor, then so be it. If it's too hard to vocalise to the doctor, you could even print off your opening post on here and allow them to read it, so they know how seriously you feel.

Work cannot argue with an official sick note from a doctor, and if they do, you don't have to engage with them, just follow the rules, but ultimately sometimes you have to come first.

When I went through similar, someone said to me "don't be rude, but also don't explain or apologise" and it's so true. You can supply a sick note to work and not need to explain further (the note is sufficient).and also never apologise for something you cannot control and didn't choose ❤️ I don't want to preach at you, but sometimes we need to hear it to boost us through an awkward time, especially if work are likely to be crappy about it. You can't pour from an empty cup. Giving yourself the time might just make such a difference.

Have you had your iron, vit d, b12 etc checked? If these are low if even just around ok levels that can cause these kind of feelings.
I also agree about autistic burnout

I'm a teaching assistant in a school. There is such an impact if Im not there. It puts such strain on the teacher.
I told my boss informally last year that I'm autistic. I don't know if it went down on my record or not.

I am worried that my workplace will try to get rid of me if I start taking sick leave. But honestly I haven't washed in days. The build up to going to work, knowing I must get dressed, wash, brush my hair and plant a smile on my face, is unbearable.

I will do. I wish it would be something like that, a deficiency, so it can be fixed. I am so tired of feeling like this.

Just been reading about autistic burnout. That really does sound like me.

Ask for a copy of your test results including the actual values. What the NHS regards as acceptable is not at all optimal for wellbeing.

Are you getting enough socialising? I struggle with depression and it's a real effort to go out and see friends, but when I do it helps.

Oh god, I did teaching assistant job and only lasted 6 months. That was in a sen school too! I thought they would understand my issues, but actually the complete opposite.
So chaotic and a sensory nightmare. All the arbitrary rules too. I had great rapport with the kids, and the hours were great, but quite frankly not paid enough to be crying in the toilets every day!
Plus I was constantly catching lurgy from them.

If I were you OP, I'd look for something else.
I've gone back to working as a carer. Is that something you could consider? It can be very rewarding and although some companies will be better than others, in domiciliary care in people's own homes (rather than a care home) there's a lot of scope for choosing your own hours and workload.
You could walk into another job tomorrow.
Don't let this one break you.

Hey, I am
so sorry to hear this.

I think your not happy in the work place. You feel suffocated and boxed in with the same repetitive day in and day out. I used to be a TA for many years in primary school. Unfortunately, I found them to be unsupportive towards employees especially teaching assistants. I may also be autistic but waiting for initial diagnosis. I wouldn’t go back in in primary schools again ! I like you, used to feel this way for many years whilst working in schools. The lack of motivation and energy is associated to having to go to work in that environment. I may be wrong but I thought to try and see if I can relate to help you ! Sometimes with Autism, it’s very difficult to regulate our emotions and pin point what is causing it as our brains are wired differently.

I now work as a teacher in a college . They are much better with accommodating my needs as I am deaf too. They did a reasonable adjustment assessment and I also got help from access to work. I think you have symptoms of depression and work related anxiety. Please consider doing a support role in further education environment. They are more flexible on the hours you wish to do. The pay isn’t brilliant but there are lots of other roles within the provision & it’s less suffocating than working in schools.