Relationship advise?

[Relationshipqueries]

I’d appreciate some advice/opinions on this relationship issue (or even if it is one?)

DH and I have been together 15 years, married 13. Had our DC late after infertility struggles, fortunate to have two healthy DC (now 6 and 3). We both turn 44 this year. I took a full 12-month mat leave with both DC and have worked part-time since (20-ish hours per week). Financially we are stable, probably fall in the squeezed middle. I feel a bit more stress about the daily expenses than DH does but we never squabble over money.

In the past year, I’ve had several health issues; nothing major fortunately but things that take time and energy (I’ve developed chronic migraines, mysterious tummy issues (possibly fibroids/endometriosis or irritable bowel, investigations ongoing, etc.) I also did all of
the nights and extended BF with both of our DC (stopped when they were 2.5 years), so I’ve been feeing knackered. We don’t have family help nearby (my mum died in 2024 and I’m still grieving) and don’t have money for a sitter or night out more than once or twice a year.

So here’s the rub: I have a feeling DH is low-level irritated with me and my health issues and fatigue. I’m not that young fun person he married. He’s never said as much, and when I approach him, he says not to worry, but still there’s something performative about, for example, his good morning kiss (only in response to me), and it’s like the spark has gone out. Sex is also not frequent (once every six weeks or so), it was quite painful whilst BF and I have had so many pain issues I’ve not been interested at all. He never pressurises me, but I know he’d enjoy more.

I don’t know if this all seems normal for this stage of child-rearing and current economy. I’d like to pick up some more hours at work when our youngest goes to school so we’ll have more income (perhaps more date nights or a cleaner), and hopefully some of my health issues of the past year will get sorted. But I also worry the flame is going out and we’re approaching middle age and mid-life crises. A few people
in our circle have started to split as kids grow older and they don’t stay together for them anymore. I do love DH and he does love me, but it’s also very hard-going lately.

I would appreciate any opinions or advice, should we look into counseling? Or how else to support our relationship?

Consider going back full time and please ensure you are topping your pension up to full time contributions. I have made sure my partner can do this (same sex couple - she had a child in her 40s).

Have you discussed HRT with your doctor and assuming you have had full bloods done due to health issues to rule out deficiencies. I wonder if you bf and kept oestrogen low and then came out of that period into more hormonal fluctuation? You are only 6 months post bfing I’d concentrate on getting you feeling better first. I was creaky in my 40s, it was low iron and low vit D. I do weights at home 3-4 times a week. In my 50s now and ok, which is useful as an older parent.

Thank you, yes deficiencies have been ruled out (thyroid, iron, vitamins). Haven’t discussed HRT with anyone yet as I’ve been so busy with the headaches and tummy symptoms but will keep it in mind.

I don't think it's a crisis but it's perhaps a warning sign that if we don't make the effort to keep the relationship 'alive' then things can drift and you become more like roommates and co-parents than a couple. Life is busy with 2 small children, jobs, health issues and most of us just feel tired and want to crawl into bed at the end of the day!

I think it's important to try and make time to just talk and hang out together, even if having small children means you can't go out a lot. There's lots you can do at home, once the kids are in bed - watching a series together, having a nice meal together with a glass of wine and actually chatting, giving each other a pamper session, massage etc, cuddling up under a blanket with snacks to watch a movie. Could you book the kids into an activity on the weekend and go for brunch or coffee and cake for an hour?

Just acknowledging that you want to spend more time with him, giving hugs or holding hands while you're walking all fosters a closeness.