18 year old DD

[Isntparentingbrilliant]

I think from this thread I’m hoping that someone can tell me if this is completely normal and I need to treat her like a grown up, or if I should be concerned.

dd has lots of good attributes.
She works 30 hours a week (more round holidays) and is in her second year of college (so far doing a good job- however her attendance is about 86% so is on the low end really) . she puts 100£ a month in her Lisa for a house deposit, completely pays for her own car and gym membership and Netflix. She has also got two uni offers for next year (not in what she wanted but I think she fluffed up an interview a bit, but they did offer an alternative course)

I really do recognise that these are amazing attributes.

however , her behaviour and attitude can be a little bit questionable, and the last five years have been a bit of a struggle to keep her attending college/ school/ do any schoolwork/ keep her room at least not sqalid/bloody vaping (mainly my stress , as I do have expectations of her behaviour and her dad whilst loving, does often work a 50 plus hour week)

my issue is since she has passed her driving test in particular, she’s out all hours of the night. Right this second she’s in a nearby town at McDonald’s 🙄

some of the middle of the night things is because she works in a pub , so it’s not uncommon for her to finish at one, then go and socialise with her friends (especially the ones that also work in the pub)

she has only ever once gone off the radar, she always seems to tell me where she is if I ask , and she has life 360 turned on so I can see where she is (arguably this makes it worse as I can see her trailing around)

but I’m struggling not having her tucked up in bed at home ! It keeps me awake her not coming home , and of course I worry that she will get in an accident, make a bad choice re drinking and driving (so far I haven’t had reason to really worry about this but I know the temptation must be there when in a pub/ with her friends)

it’s also seems to becoming more normal her not coming in until the early hours ie 2 am, most nights , not just Saturday for example. Or even better she will be at home in the night , and decide to go to madonalds for a milkshake at 3 am 🙄

she’s only been driving a few months, and it has of course got much worse since then. I’m hoping that the novelty of trailing around will wear off soon.

she hasn’t ever had a curfew as such, especially since she has been working, because it hasn’t seemed necessary (she’d be at work or home , or I would be asked in advance if she was going to be out late)

I don’t really have a question, and it is half term from college this week but I’m so worried about all this middle of the night trailing around and it’s stopping me sleeping!! I have no idea when she’s getting enough sleep in , but she often comes home from college about 2 and will sleep until 6 for an extra nap .

do I try an impose any rules/ curfews ? I’m thinking it’s a bit late but we still have to live together and it is often a bit tense between me and her .

apologies if this hasn’t made sense . Worried tired mum to a sort of grown up daughter.

Mine passed at 17, I think she only gets out of the car to work and sleep these days.
I would steer her towards a job with better hours. She is obviously tired and her sleep pattern is all over the place. Junk food is not a good idea at the best of times, but if you’re that knackered, you just want something, anything, and fast food does that for you.
So, another job.

She’s 18, and an adult. You have to let her find her way. She sounds like a sensible type.

It's natural to worry, but she's an adult now. You definitely can't impose a curfew on her, as long as she's being respectful and not waking the whole house up with her coming and goings.

Hop in for a middle of the night maccies?!
Would be good if she got a different job or looked at apprenticeships or degree apprenticeships as she seems to value work and money. Uni getting a very bad coverage with the student loan interest rates recently so I would explore career options. The job market is a bit nuts right now too so it is good she has one, but perhaps she needs to work a little less to ensure college results are good.

She does seem very sensible so I would not dare moan about anything! Just keep an open dialogue with her about being safe and driving carefully.

What worked with my teens was offering to do up their rooms/refresh with paint and redecorate together. Seemed to help them want to keep it tidy and look a little bit more like an adult room. Quite enjoyed painting furniture new colours or going to ikea for storage.

I have an 18yo DD who is not like this, but she's at school rather than college which I think makes a difference in terms of the level of independence.

The thing is that if she goes away to uni you won't have a clue where she is and what she's up to so you may as well get used to it. If she's never really had a curfew you'll struggle to introduce one now she's 18! I'd switch off the life360 if I was you. It may be making you worry more.

Unfortunately your worries about her being out at all hours are your problem. I say that kindly as I was the exact same when one of mine did similar. You have to let them grown and learn and turn their new found freedom into independence. It’s hard because you just want your babies tucked up in bed safely, but they are out there enjoying the social life.

I think YABU. (Edit: Sorry - noticed we aren’t in AIBU!)

The list of positives you have given show her to be a really mature young lady in so many ways. I don’t know masses of 18 year olds who are at college, have already passed their test, are paying into a LISA and working 30 hours a week. You say she pays her own way. You say she lets you track her and she always tells you where she is if you ask. I think she sounds amazing and she has been very accommodating of your worries - you now need to sort them out yourself before she goes away to uni or moves out!

Sorry just realised we aren’t in AIBU, many apologies OP! But the point still stands - she sounds amazing and I think you need to sort this out in your own head.

This IMO is why it's better for people this age to live away from home for a bit. She sounds pretty normal but if she's away from home you won't need to be aware of all the middle of the night goings on.

My mum would’ve been delighted if that was me at 18. I was far worse and I’ve turned out well. Leave her be

If she’s at college and working 30 hours a week she probably has no time to socialise with friends during the day, hence going out at night. She sounds sensible re savings etc but she does need downtime with her friends, she is managing it how she can, you don’t like the timings but I don’t think you can do anything to stop that, just give good advice about a healthy diet, regular sleep etc.

Very normal OP … I remember this phase clearly with one of mine. She’d suddenly decide she was driving down to Brighton with her mates at 2am. The freedom of being able to drive is fabulous at that age.

I preferred that to her sibling who didn’t learn to drive until her early 20s and was out getting rat arsed all the time at 18. Falling in the door in the early hours.

She sounds quite wonderful, although I absolutely understand your worry and concern. She suddenly has a freedom she’s never experienced before and she’s taking full advantage of it. She’s doing well at college, has a uni place, a part time job, is saving money and has a social life. She sounds like a well rounded young woman. I think you deserve a pat on the back for doing a great job raising her.

I think 30 hours is too many for a college student to be working. Colleges recommend no more than about 10 don't they? No wonder her attendance is poor.

She's doing a lot, if she's working 30 hours a week and going to college! At my son's school (Year 13) they don't recommended working more than about 12. She's probably missing college because she's too tired because she works in a pub and finishes late. Incidentally, I worked in a pub when I was young and it's very difficult to sleep when you get home because of the atmosphere of the pub etc - your mind is very alert for quite a while afterwards.
She sounds like she's doing well and trying hard but I would encourage her to work less or find a different job for now.

Yeah my son was like this.

to be honest so was I at uni.

young adults don’t want to be tucked up in bed at home. They want to be out socialising.

Thank you everyone for your reassurance… I’ll try leaving her be a bit more.

I think the posters who said if I didn’t know where she was I’d be happier probably have a point!

her dad isn’t concerned and she doesn’t disturb him or her younger brother- it’s just me . Admittedly because I’m a worrier and a light sleeper .

i also take on board the points about her job , and maybe if it was a year ago directing her to something different would have been a good shout … but she only has six months really untill uni so it seems a lot of stress for something that might be tricky - and as she’s in a chain pub she’s hopeful that she can get some sort of transfer to near wherever she ends up . Which I can see the point of.

I too think she’s really tired . Luckily as she’s doing a btec not a levels she will start to finish up with a lot of her classes after Easter ( so long as she’s up to date with her assignments) I seem to think it was the 5th may she finished last year .

i have to say my mum wouldn’t have put up with it- however it is a moot point as I had moved out by this age , which I suppose puts it into perspective.

I might just buy some earplugs and some stocks and shares in McDonald’s 🫣