Struggling to bond with my 3 year old

[confusedbadmama]

I know I’m an unfit mum, but I don’t want to ruin my son’s life and I want a way to remedy this.

I have two children who I love very much, a 1 year old girl and a 3 (4 in May) year old boy.

I had a tough pregnancy and a very tough time in the first few months after I gave birth to my son due to circumstances outside of my son. I have had antenatal depression and postnatal depression and have never been able to bond with my son the way I do with my daughter and I feel absolutely horrible.

He has autism and is completely non-verbal. His understanding is very limited, he struggles with following instructions without having mental breakdowns, he struggles to get his point across so he screams and cries for a good chunk of the day. When he is not crying he wants nothing to do with anyone and will just isolate himself and play with trains by himself all day. He doesn’t liked being touched or hugged, he doesn’t bring his toys to show us , he doesn’t share excitement, he lives in his own little world. He is passionate about numbers and letters but if anyone tries to join in and talk about/play with numbers, he will screams and throw things around. He gets overwhelmed and stressed very easily, even when we ask him to do the simplest thing or when we try to congratulate him. If we try to talk to him, he will just walk away.

He is very sensitive to noise so I can’t take him to playgroups or group activities with other children without him crying and trying to leave.

He is on the waitlist for speech therapy and occupational therapy, but in the meantime I don’t know what to do to. I love him so much but I sometimes dread waking up because I know it’s going to be a full day of things I struggle to handle. There’s so many things I wish I could do with him. I tried to give him an AAC device to communicate in the hope that it would help him get less frustrated but it’s too advanced for him, same for PEG boards.

I feel absolutely terrible for feeling this way, and I feel so judged by everyone around me, who can clearly see that I’m struggling to be a mum. And I get so jealous of all these mums around me who have children younger than mine but seems to have it all together.

My son is an extremely picky eater and he starve himself until I give him chips and junk food. I have failed every approach I have tried. On the other hand I see my sister in law feed her baby delicious homemade healthy sugar free food with minimal fat.

I keep being asked if I talk to him enough, if I talked to him in the belly, if I took XYZ during pregnancy.

First off, it’s not your fault. No amount of talking to him during pregnancy would change the fact that your little boy has profound disabilities. It’s very hard to bond with a child who, for good reason, is in his own little world and who can’t cope with that being widened.

Instead of communication aids could you try baby signing or makaton? Or follow his lead in communication - can you anticipate what he needs based on his behaviour or mannerisms?

In terms of food, feed him what he will eat - less stressful for you and for him. Yes you’d rather give him healthy home cooked meals, but he can’t tolerate that. Meeting your child where he is at will help keep his world safe, which is what he needs.

Also do take time to grieve for the child you thought you would have, it’s ok to acknowledge this isn’t what you planned - who would choose for their child to struggle so much. Also recognise the additional work involved for you as a parent, you’ll be exhausted, frustrated and worried for him. Do you have any support?

That sounds as so hard for you and you clearly love him because you want to improve your bond! I would suggest exploring intensive interaction and learning some basic Makaton signs (which will need to be used repeatedly and consistently over time before he recognises them). Also look at using objects of reference, so if you are going out in the car, show him eg a certain toy car or the car keys first while you say and sign “car” (every single time to build up the association), when it’s time to brush his teeth hand him his toothbrush first then lead him to the bathroom, when it’s time to eat show him a specific plate, then lead him to the table. Do this over and over again.

Such a lovely response. You have articulated this so much better than I could but I share your sentiments 💐

It seems very cruel and unjust to me that parents are expected to cope nowadays with extremely autistic children with little support.
It used to be that such children were put in homes and probably had very unpleasant lives... so eventually it was deemed better that they be in the community.
But rather than the government facilitating this "improvement", this seems to mean that parents - (who in the past probably felt very sad that their child was in a "home", but could concentrate on their other children and also earn a living) are now thrust into the position of unpaid carers, with no training (which benefits neither the autistic child or the rest of the family) and because of the time taken by their caring, no reasonable prospect of earning a living - so they are on benefits. It also massively affects other children in the family.
Surely there must be some middle road, as in Scandinavian countries?

I don't have time to post a very long reply OP, but I really wanted to say stop beating yourself up! It is almost inevitable that your relationship with your children is going to look a bit different when what they need from you is so different too. And it is really, really hard to build a bond with a child you don't get much feedback from.
Have a look for "may I join you" on YouTube - it was a training video we watched about communicating with non verbal children at work. It might be worth a watch. (It might also seem like teaching you to suck eggs so I apologise if that's the case!). It talked about recognising what level of communication the child feels comfortable with, rather than our own expectations, and I know stepping back a bit as a result has really helped me at work. I do recognise it's very different when you are a parent.

Mostly though, be kind to yourself. You sound like a loving mother that wants the best for her babies, it's ok to need some support in finding out what that is!

Gosh I am so sorry OP. It sounds really tough.

My son is the same age and he doesn’t have the same speech issues in that he can talk.. but he freezes and gets overwhelmed with people sometimes so cannot speak. The school have been teaching him British sign language / makaton so he can ask for help if he needs it. It’s really helped.

The hand gesture he uses most is help and you make a thumb sign and pat it on an open palm

I wonder if teaching your 1 year old he might watch it and pick it up in a less pressured way than teaching him direct.

Goodluck

Focus on any tiny moments of joy - some days it will be really tiny moments. When you put him to bed, tell him what you enjoyed. He might not take any notice but you’ll hear out loud anything that went well. It helped me with my DS to focus on what was good and the bits of the day to try to replicate again tomorrow.

How about trying anything you can enjoy together

What about swimming ?