How to put an old way of being to rest and move on?

[YouAreNowMovingForwardInTheQew]

I didn't know how to title this, but will try to explain.
For 30 years I was a painter, fine art, didn't find it at all relaxing but it was my passion. It was my world. My DH was an artist, even my DD became an artist, so it was kind of just everything. A way of life.

I eventually grew away from what I did. I didn't like the ups and downs financially, and became far more passionate about other things. An art career can be so stressful and unpredictable, and I was tired of it. It was a natural change, and i tried to work against it for years, but had to heed it. I have been working in a predictable and more stable field for 6 years now and am very satisfied with that regarding earning a living. I rarely ever feel an urge to create. But I can't seem to get the old voice out of my head. It tells me to CREATE. And I am sick to absolute death of creating.

I want to live, experience, read, hike, climb, cook, get my hands dirty, join in a community farm, help preserve walls, paths, etc.

It's like the second half of my life desires to muck in and get out there, whereas fine art involved a lot of solitude, self concern, almost tunnel vision. I grew so fed up of spending most of my life in a room painting.

I have incredible support to do what I love, so my only issue is that voice, as if the habit of always having to create or make something won't go away. It's like a ghost voice, that won't bloody die. And trust me, it isn't my calling coming to reclaim me, it is more like a habit I can't break. I desperately want it to shut up, but it is ingrained.

I wonder if it is similar to when some of us feel an echo once our children leave home? We nurtured, grew, assisted, and then once that stopped the habit wouldn't go away. The healthier, new thing is vital, true and wonderful, but the echo keeps on.
I do write poetry sometimes, so still do 'create', but the mainstay of my passions don't 'make a thing' now. I am fed up of thinking that I have to MAKE SOMETHING to be a person in the world. I've done so many years and want to move on.

Has anyone ever changed considerably like this (in any field or passion) and managed to cut the chord? I no longer even enjoy creating nor want to, but habit has forced me to believe that I am 'doing something wrong' if I stop.

It's painfully irritating and inconvenient.
Maybe I am talking to the wind here, but thought I'd throw it out there to see if anyone can relate!

Our brains become very used to one way of thinking and doing. To travelling down the same worn paths over and over - imagine a rock rolling down a hill, as it wears a groove in that hill it becomes easier to follow that exact same path.

This causes our brains to stick to well worn thought patterns… and getting stuck in them causes all kinds of issues from OCD to intrusive thoughts. You have to try to form NEW routes for them.

Every time you start thinking CREATE you need to push back. Say no, think of other things and say ‘I’d rather bake/walk/hike’. Say No more Creating, gremlin voice!

Eventually the voice will have been forgotten. But it can take a while.

Thank you.I have always loved nature and hiking, but in recent years the joy is out of this world. I never experienced that as an 'creator'. It is an art unto itself.

I recall a very wise friend once calling these thought patterns a schema (or something like that). A sort of fixed reaction or behaviour that demands repetition.

It makes you think, why do I have to do this thing that no longer serves me? Your comment makes so much sense.

No. I’m a writer, and even when two novels in a row didn’t sell, I kept writing. If you told me I’d never publish another word, I couldn’t not write. It’s not something I could switch off. But I also garden. I’m making a garden from scratch.

Recognise what art means to you. Is it a passion to be shared and create an income? Or is it a freedom, a relaxation moment?

Could you reframe some of your new passions as creative? The community farm and preservation work seem to be alternative ways of creating something.

Mmm, so we ought to push through even if we no longer care to, when we have no passion to do that thing? What for? I often think we put far too much stock into being an 'artist'.
It has been my life and blood, but it is not a cosmic rule that we are unable to change. Surely?

Yeh, I think I see everything as creative, the force that runs through us is only differentiated by name. How is a hobby any different to a profession if we have a passion for it? Why isn't a gardener or mother considered a creator, a mechanic or a chef?

I certainly do feel more connected to myself doing what I do now.
Perhaps it is that I started to paint so young and have given it so much of my life.
I wonder if many think this is a 'gift', and can't imagine someone developing a new passion.

Is the voice telling you to create a critical inner voice, telling you that you are a failure if you don't create something of merit?

Could you possibly push/channel/translate that "Create!" message into cooking? On the one hand, you are creating a "thing" that is admired, appreciated and consumed - but in a very small-scale, completely non-commercial way if you are only cooking for yourself, family, and friends. And it has a practical purpose besides "just art". And while your food is likely welcome, there's little chance of becoming famous for it, to the extent that you'd begin to associate your "value" as a person with your cooking. Plus, your food creations won't hang around very long to haunt you or even remind you that they exist!

Yes. It feels like a nagging habit, a way that I met the world and felt my identity.
It is very hard to move away from what you felt was your identity. You don't even recall having intended to do that, either!

Do you come from a creative family?
Was it ingrained into you by your parents that to be worth loving or valid that you had to create something physical that merited praise and approval?

Interesting!
And i wonder now in retrospect, why does an artist, in the traditional sense, think that they are doing something more ...authentic or meaningful than regular work? I am not sure that I thought that myself, but it is definitely a thing in art circles. My entire life has been art circles!

Our culture imparts this to us. We fit into boxes. We are a 'thing', be it a nurse, a printmaker or a CEO. What about all of the other million things we are or could be? Why do we so rigidly stick to one type of identity? (You don't have to answer that, of course!)
it is definitely a perception issue.

I am creative but in many ways, none more valid than the other. Can you accept that you are still creating but in a different way? Hiking, you are creating a connection with nature, creating a route, creating wellbeing. Baking you are creating food! Gardening, you are creating life. There is so much more to creativity than art. Humans are creative by just existing. We breath in oxygen and create CO2. We eat and create energy/ shit (or fertiliser if you want to be more poetic). If you have children, you create life. If you lay a carpet/ paint a wall you create a home. So next time that ´you must create’ voice pipes up just say ‘thanks, but I already am.’

Not really, they were very liberal with tons of animals and oddness, but no other working artists. I was definitely encouraged to follow my heart, so supported when I did. I was encouraged to write as a child and teen, as this was where I excelled (the only thing tbh), but was given ultimate freedom. I stumbled into painting after an illness in my early twenties. It was an effort to recovery that stuck. Then I married an artist and off we go.

I don’t think it is. You do something because you can’t not do it. I certainly didn’t grow up around any idea that writing was a thing you could do. My parents left school at 13 and weren’t fully literate. There were no books in the house. I thought writing was a thing a different species of person did. But it turned out it wasn’t. It’s at my core. Not that I don’t do lots of other things. I have a child, a teaching job, a garden.

And that's perfect for you, it is your solid, authentic thing.
You own that and continue it because it is right.

If that stopped and your heart and soul moved over to other things, quite naturally and without doubt, you would also be moved to accept it.

I guess it's all the same thing really. Sticking to what drives us and courses through us. Whether that is planting, conservation or writing.

We don't have to defend it or admonish it. I suppose for me it is laying to rest a path that doesn't resonate any longer.

I can relate. I was good at writing as a child, then started painting as an adult, did a Fine Art degree, and painted for many years. I never found it relaxing but it was a great feeling when I had successfully expressed on the canvas what I wanted (and also the money from selling it!).

I’ve only painted sporadically for a few years now, maybe one painting a year. Do you get pressure from family and friends to still paint, is that part of it? I certainly do, and always feel awkward saying ‘I just don’t enjoy it any more or feel motivated to do it.’ There is the feeling of ‘you’re good at it why wouldn’t you do it’ and also a lack of understanding that painting for some people is most definitely work, not therapeutic relaxation.

I still can’t cut the cord. I’m looking to move house in a couple of years and weighing up whether I need a painting space or not. Creatively I write now, but not seriously, just for competitions and publish the odd piece. When I watch painting shows I feel enthused and want to paint something so I guess it’s still there somewhere.

This is a very interesting thread. I have nothing useful to add but wanted to thank you OP as it is making me reflect on my own direction and experiences.

Is this a guilt thing?

guilt that you are not aiming to “leave a mark” through creativity or guilt that you have given up something you are good at or that you spent a lot of time doing ? Like time wasted ?

is there some way to “honour “ what you did in the past as part of a process ( like a wake !) to be proud of your past

and make some plans for something solid - perhaps when you find your next thing it will make the change less painful ? Travel plan? Join ramblers or local history club ?

It's great that you got all that lovely creative stuff out of your system early, OP, instead of following the more typical human trajectory of pining for a more creative life "one day"!

I can imagine how you feel, trying to ignore that nagging feeling that you're somehow neglecting your duties... When I retire, I'm definitely going to have trouble ignoring the impulse to prioritise work/earning a crust, because my whole day has been structured around that for as long as I can remember. That's not to say, of course, that I'll have any problem finding other things to do with my time.
I'm sure this sort of change in outlook gets easier with practice.

With creative output, there's a sense that you're giving rather than receiving, actively generating rather than passively consuming. Could you think of it in terms of a conversation with the world - that you've done a lot of "speaking" and now are ready to do more "listening"? Maybe you could even frame it as "filling the well" so that if you do choose to resume a more creative life in future, you will have more to draw upon?

This answers 2 questions but I can only make one quote:

In my opinion, my painting wasn't very good. I never believed that, nor did I feel that I was born with a natural aptitude for it. I never grasped drawing, painting or enjoyed either as a child, I was naturally drawn to books and drama.
I think the art foundation and my degree (in the 1990's) played a part in the direction I took, as it wasn't a very traditional kind of course and very little, conventional painting got done.
My most praised submissions were always the art history essays, although I did well in multimedia work, too. I loved the camera, but at that time painting was cheaper and it felt easier to move fully over to that (I regret this).

My work sold well, but it was never stand out quality. I have never wished to hang or frame what I create and I have never been able to paint exactly what I'd like to. The final ten years involved a great deal of dissatisfaction in forcing myself to continue creating landscapes that sold well but were not doing anything for me.

Interesting to see people mention it beng a 'gift'.
I do think that 'art' is an overly romanticised field, this idea that you can't throw a gift away or ever do anything else. If i ever had a gift, it certainly wasn't painting, and knowing that has been silently depressing me over a long period! It sold because it fit a prescription kind of style (landscape) for a while, but I was never in love with it.

All in all, I felt like making paintings became my identity in life, that if I wasn't making something I was letting myself down. During my last decade at it, I took a year out and really got into physical stuff such as hiking and yoga. I was so happy and so at peace with this that when I returned to painting it was like throwing myself onto a bed of knives. I was shocked at how much i resented it.

Apologies that's so long!

And for me, in all honesty, I see that it rendered me more anti social, although not intentionally. I spent far too much time in my own head, in the home, embroiled in the self.
I am sure this doesn't affect all painters, of course, but I did so much long to get outdoors and do something more direct, such as helping on a farm, maintaining paths, volunteering at charity markets, having a good laugh with others.
That really felt more solid to me and less of a waste. It's difficult to define what I feel, because in our culture we are taight to indulge in the self more than become part of a greater, community web. We are increasingly individualistic. There's much that I like about that, but it isn't always for the best.

I loved time alone and still do, but I've had a glut of it.

I think that’s maybe the key to it, that you never felt you had a true aptitude for painting. I’m the same, I did well at painting through sheer hard work and working around my limitations. I would end up most of the time with an image that worked for me, but it was rarely the image I set out to make. Also living in your head gets dull, it’s nice to be outwardly focused and not brooding over what to paint, and how to paint it. I feel a bit jealous of those that have a really natural facility for drawing as it must make it much more of a pleasure. I don’t draw well, I have a facility for paint but it has to be underpinned by drawing, which I’m weak at.

Yeh, I remember having to trace the steps back in my memory to locate how I first came to paint, and it was through a passion for photography. I had so many idea that I couldn't find props, models and scenes for so started to make collage, then moved over to painting. I was never very good, and often wondered why anyone purchased it. Trends come and go though, and the tough times were hard.

I recalled how I didn't like life drawing, how drawing never relaxed me, or brought focus. It made me tetchy, irritated. I got around that since my uni encouraged twisting tradition into something fresh, so my ideas were what got me through.