Tips for Building Self-Esteem in Teenager

[Dowager]

DD is 17 and due to leave for university in September.

She has very low self-esteem and poor body image, which started when she was bullied in secondary school.

She struggles with very low mood and has an eating disorder in which she struggles and actually avoids eating in front of people. She has weekly counselling sessions and support from the school.

She's also very shy, but is keen to make friends, despite struggling with this. She's acutely aware that her friends have boyfriends, but no boy has showed an interest in her - other than giving her compliments and asking her out for a joke to the amusement of the boys around her (this hurt her greatly).

I'm worried that, in her first term in Halls, she's going to feel very lonely and this will affect her mental health further. She isn't someone to put herself forward in social situations and is convinced that everyone thinks she's too ugly to be friends with.

Is there any advice that anyone can offer that I can do to build her confidence over the next few months, please? She's stressed with A Level coursework and revision, but I'd really love to somehow magically give her all the confidence that she needs to go to university and make friends.

I know this is an impossible ask, but I think that I can't see the wood for the trees at the moment.

Thank you

This is so hard to read as I fear at this age the kind of confidence she needs will need to come from someone other than her mum. So teachers or coaches or friends or acquaintances praising something she’s done or her character etc.

Does she have any skills or talents or does she do any extra curricular stuff?

Could she get involved with helping younger kids as a Brownie helper or similar? That could be quite a boost.

Are there any personal challenges she might be motivated to try? Something sporty or learning crochet or cooking?? Something she can set her mind to and then achieve and feel proud?

Also are there any of her friends who you can see are kinder / less focussed on what people look like who you can encourage she spends more time with?

My DS is quite shy and I was a bit worried about him starting uni. He has absolutely loved it and made friends more easily than he did at school. The thing about uni is that there are different ways to meet people - people living near you, doing your course, or doing the same activity as you - so it's more likely that one of these will work out. My DS is playing sport and is in a music band - would either of those appeal to your DD?

I think at uni you are much more likely to find your tribe and others who like what you like than you are at school. Hopefully your DD can join some societies and maybe meet others in halls.

If disordered eating is a worry then I highly recommend ‘just eat it’ by Laura Thomas. As a family we found it helpful.