Mum- making life difficult

[ChickeFoot]

Hi,

mum is 77. She lives alone and has some mobility issues, but generally she is fine mentally/cognitively she is fine. My issue is that she’s Corning unmanageable with her demands on my time.
Dad died 2 years ago and it’s very clear now that she relied heavily on him. I try hard to support her. I visit her most days after work and take her shopping at the weekend. She spends time at my house and my sisters house. We’re taking her on holiday this summer

my issue is that she is constantly asking me to do things. Every visit or conversation results in me leaving with a list of things to do. I love her and want to help, but my own life is very busy too and I feel like I’m about to break.

how do I deal with this without upsetting her?

You sound like you’re doing a LOT already. She isn’t going to learn if you just do everything for her. You need to be a lot firmer about boundaries and encourage her to learn to do things for herself. What kinds of things is she asking you to do?

Is it possible to do any of the things she asks you to do together? That might limit the extra time you have to spend on extra ways to help her. It might also ease her into doing more for herself. She might have lost a lot of confidence after losing your dad and doing things together might help her rebuild that.

Failing that, perhaps you could take a notebook and write a list but tell her you are going to have to save it all for the next Saturday you visit. There might be items on the list that you can see are urgent and can't wait till the Saturday, but on the whole she is going to have to accept that things will have to get done when you visit. If that lessens the quality of the time you spend together because you are busy doing rather than visiting that might also encourage her to do more for herself.

You are doing an awful lot for her on a regular basis, so please don't feel guilty about feeling swamped by her needing more and more from you.

Agree. I think you need to have an honest word with her and tell her- you work full time, you simply dont have the time to spend doing her chores or errands. Thats not cruel- you are already doing an awful lot for her.

I would bring it back to her, so if she tells you her garden is unmanageable for example ask her- what do you think you could do about it mum? if she says can you arrange a gardener gently say, I dont have time for that mum- how about you ring around and get some quotes etc

You are going to have to start being more firm and get it out of your head that it's unkind, it's not. Studies literally show that elderly people who retain as much independence as possible have far better health outcomes than those who dont. You would actually be helping her by encouraging her own independence.

What sort of things is she asking you to do? Are they things that she can actually do herself? Is it possible to outsource the task to outside help - paid carers, gardener, cleaner?