Was I a doormat ?

[dancingonfire]

A friend hosted an evening at hers recently, for a surprise celebration of B's much long-awaited new job. The host did food and the 2 others of us going, inc me, also took food. We agreed what we would all bring. I had bought my food the night before and felt smug (to myself) that I was ahead of the game in prep for the eve. Later that day, the host messaged me saying what she had brought (and highlighting the cost of it several times, almost like she thought she had paid the most, when in fact we had all got equal value) She knew I had already got my food but then asked me to pick up 1 other item for the eve. Like a robot, I then got in the car and drove to the shop (15 mins away) to pick up this 1 item (£2 worth, so not the show-piece of the eve or a much needed item) which 1 person took 1 bite from.

Just a rant that I acted like a complete doormat.

Was she asking you to get it en route? Rather than a special journey?

There was no en-route option as she knew I was getting an uber

It's OK, dont beat yourself up. You have/ will be filing away, in your memory - bank, this episode. ...there will be others, filed away. Then, like me, one day the phone will ring, and ring , and ring, and ring. You will look away, ignore it because you remember and you are refusing to be USED anymore; you prefer PEACE at any cost, not thus c#ap.

What was the item?

You're not a doormat imo. I think it was a nice things to do for your friend, so long as it wasn't expensive and was on your way.
I do think she could've/should've asked someone else instead as you had made of point of being organised and so on, but it's ok.
So long as this isn't a pattern for this friend. From what you've said she sounds a bit main character
Pop it in your back pocket
Hope you had a good night

why on earth did you not just say no?

You should have so no sorry, I’ll be in an uber. No point moaning about it now 🤷🏻‍♀️

it depends on your group of friends. If this was my group of friends, we do lots of things for each other all the time.

I would’ve wanted the friend to have had a good night so I would’ve happily driven 15 minutes to pick up an item if I’d been asked -presumably I was the nearest person to the supermarket or shop that sold the thing, in the full knowledge that my friends would do the same for me because we all take turns at putting ourselves out and going the hard yard for each other.

I wouldn’t think twice about this and I hope you had a nice evening. I think it sounds very much like you resent your friend for other reasons and this is niggling at you because of that, not because you had to do a slightly annoying thing which ultimately benefited a mutual friend.

Is this not just normal friendship? If someone is giving up their space to host, maybe they don’t feel able to pop out and get any last minute bits so have asked who they thought were their “friends” to grab it instead? We all know that last minute panic feeling of “is everything perfect? If I don’t get X this will be a disaster” etc, hence so many people in supermarkets on Christmas Eve panic buying things they absolutely didn’t need. Maybe it’s that? Unless this happens all the time and only to you?

Depends on the item. If it was essential to the evening and would make a real impact to the night if it wasn't there, then I don't think you have been used. Most people have had that last minute panic of forgetting something when hosting so it was part of being a good friend that you bought it.

However, if the item would have made no difference to the night (eg olives!), then it is a little cheeky of your friend to ask you to buy this. I would feel used in that case.

Biggest anticlimax of a story ever, I was expecting you to say you ended up doing everything for the whole night even though your friend was hosting. You actually went and wrote a whole pointless post about having to go get a small item. Likely drive like a 90 year old geriatric aswell which is why it took you 15 mins rather than 5 mins 😂 This is totally normal friendship. Have you nothing better to be at than to write out non issue posts?

Unreasonable to do the errand and then seethe with silent resentment, yes. Either say no, or do it without this much inner rage.

If it wasn’t a much needed item and wasn’t even eaten then really, yes, you were a doormat. I would have said sorry, I’m not heading to the shops again, I’m sure we’ll manage without it. You’ll know next time though.

You should've said no.

Also, it's not her fault only one person took a bite from it.

How was anyone to know that would happen?

Did the host realise you spent the same as her? Sounds like she didn’t.
Regardless of who spent what, I wouldn’t ask someone to pop to the shop for something else if I knew they were coming in a taxi unless the item was absolutely essential or I knew they lived right next to a shop. Do you? I’ve hosted in my house and asked folk to bring a forgotten item if they were driving or I knew they had it in their house but I would never do that under your circumstances.
So yes, you were a doormat and should have stood up for yourself at the time ‘no, sorry, I can’t I’m coming in an Uber it’ll be out my way and cost me more’. And found a way to let her know how much your item(s) cost.
‘Can’t believe the prices in Tesco these days! £50 for the wine, icecream and nibbles!’