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Falling out with friend after having a baby.

12 replies

R2025 · 16/02/2026 13:32

me And my friend had 17+ years of friendship. We was extremely close. I was like family. When we found out she was pregnant I was so excited I couldn’t wait for a new member to join us. I was there all through pregnancy did anything for her helped any way I could and during the birth. Since she’s had her daughter things have been different I’m not as included with everything as I once was which I totally understand. She’s is a first time mum I have 2 children primary school age so I know with a new born she is adjusting to this new life and it can be stressful so I haven’t said how I’m feeling pushed out as I get it. My friend has ocd and since having her daughter it’s got worse. She has rules of visiting. No visits after 6pm no more than 1 visitor. I am smoker she requested I wash my hair my body clean clothes etc before I visit. And strictly no smoking after I wash my hair. I did as she asked when I was visiting. After a few weeks we had a “bicker” she asks why I don’t nip over anymore, I explained I have 2 children im single, work full time and have a dog to walk my day is now where near done at 6pm and I haven’t got time to wash hair etc during the day. So I said I’m going to see her and her daughter on my days off. But with the 1 person at a time thing coz she gets overwhelmed with being with more than one person at a time that proved difficult too as she most always had a visitor. I’ve said I’d go baby classes with her to spend time she said that would be weird as I don’t have a baby of my own. We finally got a day out last week and she had a long coat on and I made a remark it was blowing in the wind and it looked like Severus snapes cloak out of Harry Potter. We got into a massive argument after that she said I bring her down she is wearing the long coat as she is self conscious at the minute and I’ve made other remarks like this and she doesn’t need friends who bring her down. I said that’s the relationship we have she makes comments to me too as we always have I don’t take it to heart and she never used to and again she complained I don’t go over as much. I said it’s not as easy now as it was to come and see you before. She started to proper scream at me in the car and she ended it get the fuck out my car so I shouted don’t worry I’m going. She rang me then accusing me of bullying her she doesn’t want to be friends anymore and how dare I shout infront of the baby I wish I didn’t but she was screaming at me and the last 3 times previous I’d seen her she’s shouted at me. I feel like she takes her anger and worries out on me as she doesn’t have other friends as close as we was. Now She has blocked me on everything. Am I a terrible friend or have been. Could I do more or go about things differently am I bullying her? I don’t know what I can do

OP posts:
Lighterandbrighter · 16/02/2026 13:42

She sounds like she's really really struggling. I don't think her rules are unfair, but it does mean that practically you don't have time to see her much (although the initial friendship sounded quite dependent and enmeshed so that might not be the worst thing in the world). Neither of you should've shouted, but she's not in a good place with her MH and you're mourning the loss of a friendship. I don't know how you fix it though.

Starlight7080 · 16/02/2026 13:50

I would accept it and just give her space. She is obviously struggling. Maybe the friendship has run its course. That happens alot with new baby's or marriage.
It doesnt sound good for either of you .

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2026 13:52

God, so much angst and drama. Leave her be.

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CaffeinatedMum · 16/02/2026 13:58

She’s obviously struggling, I wouldn’t have wanted a smoker round a newborn to be honest or visitors after 6pm. You do sound a bit unkind.

R2025 · 16/02/2026 14:44

I didn’t disagree with her rules. I did as she asked without complaint. I never said anything to her about it because I understand only when she complained I don’t go over as much I explained that’s why and from then on I’ll go on my days off which still proved difficult.

OP posts:
R2025 · 16/02/2026 14:49

I don’t know how to fix it either. Maybe the friendship has run its course which I am devastated about but on the other hand I don’t want to give up but I don’t see a solution.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/02/2026 14:53

Her "rules" are totally ott and in part why shes going to be feeling isolated / struggling

And she doesn sound like she is coping well.

Where's her husbamd in all this?
Are you friends / do you socialise with him?

R2025 · 16/02/2026 15:02

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/02/2026 14:53

Her "rules" are totally ott and in part why shes going to be feeling isolated / struggling

And she doesn sound like she is coping well.

Where's her husbamd in all this?
Are you friends / do you socialise with him?

He is present he works all week and some weekends. Yes I get on with her husband. He’s great very laid back.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/02/2026 15:14

I'd consider having a chat to him... maybe I would maybe I wouldnt depending...

And think about framing in advance if you do...

But along the lines of....
you love her, shes been very angry with you, , you are giving her space
you are a bit concerned, having a baby is hard, you want her to bad happy, you are giving her space.
Etc.

I dont think youve behaved badly per se.

R2025 · 16/02/2026 15:45

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/02/2026 15:14

I'd consider having a chat to him... maybe I would maybe I wouldnt depending...

And think about framing in advance if you do...

But along the lines of....
you love her, shes been very angry with you, , you are giving her space
you are a bit concerned, having a baby is hard, you want her to bad happy, you are giving her space.
Etc.

I dont think youve behaved badly per se.

I think I’m just going to give her some space. I don’t want to offend her or make her feel worse than I already have. I’ve had alot of trauma myself I’ve had a lot of therapy and work hard everyday to stay upbeat and care free I’m very unserious joke about everything and my friend is very serious now about everything so I think we are just clashing over everything. Example She had a hospital appointment and asked me if I could build her clothes airer for her whilst she was there I said yh no problem I have a key to her home I’ll go do it. It was pretty large so I moved it from the living room to the washing room where she dries her clothes. She went mental at me because her daughters clothes was drying in that room and I’d put something in there before she steamed cleaned it or whatever now she’ll have To wash all her daughters clothes again. I said no you won’t have to re wash them all it’s fine it’s just an airer I had to reassure her it didn’t touch any of the clothes drying in there but I know she would of rewashed them anyway. She was in a mood with me for days

OP posts:
IKnowWhatTheAnswerIs · 16/02/2026 15:45

To me you sound like you’ve been accommodating. She sounds like she’s struggling and also reminds me of me when I had my first. I still do hate ‘third hand smoke’. If you can rise above the drama it sounds like she needs you in her own way, but no one would expect you to affect your own well-being for it.

R2025 · 16/02/2026 16:18

IKnowWhatTheAnswerIs · 16/02/2026 15:45

To me you sound like you’ve been accommodating. She sounds like she’s struggling and also reminds me of me when I had my first. I still do hate ‘third hand smoke’. If you can rise above the drama it sounds like she needs you in her own way, but no one would expect you to affect your own well-being for it.

I did everything she asked no complaints. When I had my babies my friend was a smoker and worked all day I didn’t mind her coming over in the evenings as I know that’s when she was available and I never said she’d have to wash her hair etc either because I wanted my children to have a relationship with her. Not that I’m saying she should be lenient id never question anyone’s parenting or how they want things but understand now our lives are kind of reversed. now my children are older I work a lot more I don’t have a lot of free time and my days are jam packed, she’s off work she has a lot of free time. i made them acceptions when my children was little that was my choice and I respect her choices now. We just come to arguments when she questions why I don’t go over anymore

OP posts:
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