Engulfed in loneliness

[Howsweetitis]

I'm 41, two children aged 12 & 18. One gone off to uni but the other with me full time. Ex husband doesn't see DD hardly at all since he left 7 years ago, DS doesn't speak to him. I work full time, mum full time and am in perimenopause. I've no support network, parents are elderly and EXTREMELY judgemental and controlling.

I'm currently looking to change careers, it has become virtually impossible for me to work in a caring profession, be a full time mum, run a household alone and have any time or emotional energy to care for myself. I have literally given my life to caring and providing for everyone around me, to now find there is no one to be seen now I need some support.

Perimenopause is eating me alive. I've been to the GP, who won't offer anything but antidepressants. I don't have a lot of free time to go to the gym etc, maybe an hour here and there due to my youngest being home full time. She has ADHD and although a lovely, caring girl, she is quite immature and impulsive. She also doesn't like being in the house alone. With this in mind, it's difficult for me to carve out time to do anything I find interesting in the way of hobbies etc.

My friends are all in relationships or married and have their own families. They make very little time outside of their families for friendships and I've come to realise I have low level friendships, who only seek me out if they have a problem to talk about. They rarely reach out when their lives are good. I've cut back a lot lately on reaching out and realised I really have nobody around to lean on.

I would love to think one day I could start dating again. I've been single for years as haven't really had time to offer anyone, as I mostly have my daughter. Outside of my children though, I long for a healthy, loving relationship and fulfilling relationships. I would love some kind of life. I am reaching breaking point and feel like my whole life is shedding. I know I need better friends, I deserve a job that bring me joy and not drains me to the point I'm numb and I deserve to be loved. I've spent years feeling unlovable and not good enough, mainly because I was financially abused by my ex husband and it took a great deal of time to recover from that.

I sit alone every night once my daughter goes to bed. On the odd weekend she's not here, I am alone. I take myself out sometimes when she's not here but even that makes me lonely now. There's nobody to share things with, laugh with, ask for help, love and receive love from. I'm just alone. I can't go on like this. I have absolutely no life and no love outside of my children. I am just a bottle of loneliness and I'm trying hard to keep the lid on.

I'm sorry that you're struggling, it sounds tough.
On the job side, it sounds like a good idea to look for something less demanding on the caring side. I'm in a similar position myself. It's very hard to find the time, perhaps late at night or the odd snatched 30 minutes while your child is watching TV?
As it's hard to get out with your DD, have you thought about something you could take her along to? Family walks, litter picking or other volunteering... Mix age choir, crafts... Or single mum social group if you can get time alone. Whatever is in your area.
Good luck op, it's awful feeling lonely.

@Blomme It is tough, isn't it. We attend an activity club once a week with other SEN kids, and we are part of a film club that meets every fortnight. DD goes swimming once a week and attends a dance class once a week. This is when I get my shopping done. She has also asked to attend a drama group once a Saturday. While I'm glad she wants to attend clubs, it really just adds to the load for me as it's up to me to pay for everything, take her every week etc. It's just something for myself I would like, as when she is with me it's obviously child focused. I just wish I had something for me.

Hello OP, you have my very sincere support and good wishes.

I think what you've written, and your honesty, will resonate with a lot of people. And, if I may, you sound like a really brilliant person: mature, intelligent, analytical.

You've also achieved something completely remarkable by recovering from an abusive relationship and then finding the strength to parent on your own. You have made an entire, stable, loving life happen for your children. It can be so hard, I think, to recognise your own achievements. (And we shouldn't have to!) But I hope you can feel very deeply satisfied at being a real adult and a wonderful, engaged mother..

That said, I completely hear your exhaustion and exasperation. And I really know first hand what it's like to feel just completely spent, like you're describing.

Do you think your older child heading off for university has made the day-to-day a little bit harder, both practically and emotionally?

Healthwise, nothing wrong with asking for a second opinion on perimenopause. Not all doctors possess the kind of curiosity and commitment to making their patients' lives easier that they should. You might find that speaking to a different GP or even changing your practice might get you a different result and a bit of a way forward.

And timing-wise, I think you might find yourself at the most exhausting bit. The good news is that your 12-year-old will soon be much more independent (and want time alone!), and you should hopefully have a lot more time available to you.

Do you already know what you'd maybe like to retrain in? A huge question, I know!

And as for friendships, is there anything social happening in your area? Wild swimming is all the range in my small town, and it's created a little social microcosm of its own. Could you tap into something like that. Book groups, crafting, charity - sounds like such a giant cliches, sorry! But it seems to work here.

My husband always says that not everyone has got over Covid. It's really affected how lots of people socialise and relate to each other, they're more insular and just less warm. I wonder if you're affected by that a little bit?

Could you do an online course maybe? Sometimes it helps to be taking small steps in the right direction career wise.

Op, if you want to PM me I'd be happy to message. I feel a very similar way to be honest. Loneliness is seen as an elderly thing but it's really not. I feel so lonely.

I completely a workshop about loneliness a few months ago through work. There was so much that we discussed that I could relate to! Research found that such a large number of the population admitted to feeling lonely most or all of the time, which made me realise I'm not alone but still very sad.

I've recently joined an online yoga class, doesn't help with talking to other adults but helps relieve stress and gets me moving. This is new so will see how it goes. If anyone has any suggestions for online groups that encourage conversation, that would be really appreciated.

I do miss my eldest, we do speak everyday but it's not the same as having him home. I don't miss the mess and extra washing however, that has actually made things slightly easier. He wouldn't help out at all with keeping on top of the house at home, yet his dorm is absolutely beautifully kept. Proof of if they wanted to, they would!

Unfortunately I don't have time for clubs outside of myself, as I've said I don't have the time outside of my daughter and she has the maturity level of an 8/9 year old. She struggles to make friends her own age and can become very silly when nervous. I've trialled leaving her home for short bursts but she panics badly and I don't really trust her to be honest. She's ok in the groups we're in because we've been apart of them for years.

I really appreciate the responses on this post and all the kindness you have shown. It's not easy having lots of plates in the sky and no respite but I keep telling myself it won't always be like this.

Hi OP, it definitely sounds like you need some time for just being you! On a practical note, would you be able to afford a babysitter for your daughter on a regular basis? So you could be something other than mum, professional, cleaner, shopper, cook for a bit.

And your friends who you've drifted from, is there any chance you could speak to them about this? I know how you've described the dynamic with them, but I wonder if it might look different from their point of view? I, for example, am atrociously bad at ever suggesting or organising anything. But always happy to meet up when others initiate it. I can imagine it is, or very soon will be, very obvious and very infuriating to my friends, who might well read it as me not making an effort or being all that interested in their company.

On a different note, would genuinely be interested to hear your thoughts on retraining, as I'm thinking about it too. Well, being pushed towards it really because of AI etc. I suspect we're a similar age and similarly established in our careers, so there's probably some common ground. In your situation, I would imagine that a change like that could potentially bring lots of benefits in terms of new routines and new people. (Though I don't for a moment underestimate the energy and effort involved...)

I second the babysitter suggestion, on a regular night so that you can join an activity you fancy (maybe something like a community choir, a social sport, WI?)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm exactly the same although I have a partner. But I still feel alone. Sorry I have no advice. 💚

I also think a babysitter one night a week so you can do something for a few hours is good idea. I would look for an older teenage girl to do it. Someone your dd could have a bit of fun with as well, instead of letting her do another activity. Does your ds have any female friends who have stayed locally that might be interested?

I hear you - it's a strange time a life. I strongly suggest you go back to GP or see a different one. NIce guidleine NICE guidelines, specifically NG23, recommend Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) as the first-line treatment for menopausal symptoms, including low mood, rather than antidepressants. Antidepressants (SSRIs or SNRIs) should not be used as first-line treatment for low mood associated with menopause. They are only recommended if a patient has a formal diagnosis of depression or if HRT is contraindicated or undesired.

HRT might help - it certainly is worth trying. I know it is difficult to push back when you are already struggling but this is worth the effort. For some, HRT is transformative. It was in my case. Good luck.

Use your front garden.
Hear me out: people will stop and talk to you if you’re in your front garden. They’ll give you advice, they’ll ask about what you’re doing, weather, plants, cat shit, the state of the pavement, I promise you, they will. Grab a cuppa, some gloves and go out there, even if it’s just to look at it.

Get to know your neighbours. I have keys for my neighbours front door. Lots of people have my key.

Go to the same cafe every week. You’ll become a regular. Take your DD and just go for a hot drink. Chat to the people there.

Have a ritual for yourself. Sunday mornings are for watering my houseplants, all windows open. I recently got into watercolour painting, Andrea Nelson has these tutorials that are really easy to do, and fun. I got some watercolours, brushes and a pad from HomeSense, less than £15. Have a go at it, it’s so relaxing.

Go back to the GP and ask for a blood test. Change the GP if needed.

You got this.

Sending my love to you,dear howsweetitis. Have you thought of trying a church?,
A friendly church would welcome you and your DD. X