Adult adhd diagnosis and realisation/ guilt

[TinaTwinkleToes]

Full disclosure i am not blaming adhd and I am accountable for my actions!
However, I'm in my 30s and have been diagnosed with adhd both inattentive and impulsive. I've realised that maybe things I've done in the past maybe partly attributed to adhd. I was an odd child, tolerated by friends. I've had so many friendships end and struggled to form relationships. I struggle with people pleasing so have found myself in the most ridiculous situations as I've been unable to say no or assert myself then I have enough and act like a dickhead as I feel trapped or coerced. In work I think I'm well liked but im controlling and impatient sometimes. Secretly I think other people are a bit stupid but then recognise I am stupid aswell

Now you have the diagnosis…. What’s the next step?

Can you reframe?

What are the positives in your life? Isn’t it amazing you’ve achieved them/reached them with your challenges!

What are your strengths? Can you enjoy them? Use them?

What trips you up? Does it really matter?

It’s absolutely OK to be different. No-one is truly sleek and glides through life untroubled - you just can’t see the swans feet paddling like crazy under the surface. Some of us have to paddle harder, some of us make a bit more splashing, and sometimes it’s fine to just rest and let the current carry us.

Suppose I'm quick and efficient that maybe a strength ? I look back at school and I realised I was so stressed as I had to do most of the work at home as I couldn't concentrate in class. I had to do double the work so to speak. Same in uni. I struggled with simple things

Sometimes I also blurt things out and have to be really careful not to say things.

I was diagnosed well into adulthood. It's a weird feeling. Kind of a relief because it makes sense of so many things, but also a profound sense of loss when you realise that things could have been so much easier if only you'd known.

We can't change the past. Now you have the diagnosis, there needs to be some self acceptance - this is how you are, and you will never be able to switch it off. The adhd is never going to go away. But on the plus side, you can learn how to manage it more effectively. And that counts for a lot.

You might find this podcast helpful, ADHD Chatter
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/adhd-chatter/id1677158558?i=1000744911991

What makes you think other people are stupid?

I was also diagnosed in my 30’s. At first I was so relieved that there was a reason I found things very difficult, it all made sense but not long after diagnosis I suddenly went a bit downhill and started getting upset that if only I’d known about adhd when i was younger life may have been easier, I may have gotten medication and achieved more in school. Uni was impossible for me I left after my first year. It took me a while to realise I have a lot of strengths and attributes that people are drawn to. Overall my diagnosis made me a happier and better person but I had to work at it and I definitely needed therapy.

I found the best thing was to learn a lot about adhd and how it affects you personally and understand what you can do differently if those things are negatively impacting your life. My DD also has adhd but we are affected in quite different ways. She was diagnosed aged 13 so after research I was able to help her plan and complete her studies. She had medication and got her degree last year so she is able to do things I can’t.

See what you achieved! You found a strategy to meet your challenges. Now that you understand better what and why, you may be able to improve on your strategies.

Most people blurt things out from time to time. Or, if they don’t, if they hold them in, they have to release that pressure elsewhere, in a socially safer way. Diaries. Off-loading to their SO when they get home. Going out for a run. Singing in the car. Most of us don’t even notice that we’re doing this, so you are already more self-aware than most. Again, one of your strengths.

I think because I always have to really concentrate and I've become good at it so am quite quick. I dont understand how people don't understand certain concepts or won't try to delve into things. It's like I need to know everything inside out.

Diagnosed in my 60s. Struggled with addiction all my life. I think it’s linked. Now I have a year waiting list to try medication for it. Having waited two and a half years for the assessment. I feel very sad about it all. I haven’t come to terms with it all yet

I'm not going down the medication route yet. I'm weighing it all up. I spoke to a friend as I did query the diagnosis but she said that the people who sign it off are psychiatrists and are vetted closely so its unlikely to be wrong.

And its ok to be sad. I am a bit. As I said upthread I take full accountability for my actions but if adhd has driven some of it and I didn't know then I feel a bit let down it wasn't identified earlier.

It’s OK to be sad. It’s a recognition of what might have been, of what you’ve missed out on or lost. But, ultimately, being sad about the past does not help you move forward.

I think it took me about 2 years to work through my feelings about my neurodivergence. Gradually I started to embrace who I was, to feel liberated by understanding when I was masking or compensating, how to recover from masking and compensating, and when I did not need to mask / compensate.

And to not give a damn when people thought I was a weirdo.

I feel similar, got diagnosed a few weeks ago in my very late 30s. I feel very much like I’m grieving the life I should have had rather than what I have actually made and that if I’d known and had medication maybe I’d have turned out very differently. Even though I knew I had it, the diagnosis was quite upsetting as I realised that all the self loathing on why I couldn’t do as other people do wasn’t because I’m shit at life but an actual genuine reason.

I’m just trying to be kind to myself right now. I’ve started the medication (not sure it’s really doing much for me) and getting on with day to day life whilst trying to figure out how to get to where I want to be.

I was like you diagnosed with ADHD in my 30s. I pushed for an assessment via my GP. The wait for assessment was forever so I paid privately. I had my private consultation and was diagnosed as having a complex mix of inattentive and hyperactive impulsive symptoms. I had a second consultation to discuss my treatment plan and medication was recommended. I had mixed emotions about my diagnosis. On one hand it gave me explanation for my behaviours and on the other I was going to be carrying a label for the rest of my life. I decided I was not comfortable or confident in the diagnosis I received. My private consultation was an informal and very impersonal chat which lasted about 40 minutes and felt like they were ticking boxes rather than scrutinising the details of my responses. As I was not satisfied with my outcome I continued to pursue a diagnosis through my GP. After a long wait I did eventually get an assessment which was much more thorough. The assessment lasted over 3 hours and all aspects of my life and behaviour throughout my childhood and adulthood were discussed and analysed at length. The psychiatrist informed me that whilst I displayed some traits of ADHD they were not consistent with an actual ADHD diagnosis. The symptoms I spoke about were manageable and did not effect my day to day life. I was offered counselling in regard to my behaviours to help me function better. Medication was not recommended. I find it shocking that so many people are being diagnosed ADHD by private clinics on the premise that ADHD is under diagnosed. I believe the reality that ADHD is misdiagnosed. How are private clinics diagnosing ADHD in under an hour on an informal chat? I should add that my private consultation was not completed in person and was via a video link. Although my private treatment plan was formalised by a psychologist my private assessment was conducted by a health professional whom I do not feel was competent to be making a diagnosis on the short online consultation we had. Through my GP I was able to receive a referral to a qualified and competent professional. I have name changed for this as things I have written on other threads could be outing for me. I felt compelled reading this thread to offer my experience. For context although I did not want to be labelled with a condition I have been given a diagnosis of BPD for which I receive cognitive and mentalisation based therapy. If I had accepted the ADHD diagnosis and begun taking medication based on my short consultation the medication prescribed could have increased my anxiety and agitation.

I went private and had a 3 hour assessment. It was very thorough. Went through my whole life basically!

I'm sorry you are suffering but people without ADHD can experience these things too.
As for being "tolerated" by friends as a child, this seems unlikely. Kids usually have no qualms about ditching other kids. Maybe you are more likeable than you're giving yourself credit for. Go easy on yourself OP. Life is hard.

You mentioned that you had queried your diagnosis. I thought sharing my experience would be helpful to you! I am glad you have got the support you needed. You must have had to pay an extraordinary amount for your 3 hour private consultation as they typically last 60-90 minutes with a legit practice, and 30-40 minutes with a less reputable practice. Wear your new badge with honour, and remember to inform travel insurance companies if your condition affects you, and the DVLA of your diagnosis if your condition, or medication affect your driving.

Thanks. It cost £350 with a company called Isabel Straker I think ? I haven't really told many people as I just think it is what it is. Like I can't change it and I'm not thinking medication route yet.

Lol thanks. It happens a lot as an adult too x

Did you thoroughly check the reviews for I Straker Consultants Ltd? I would advise you read the CQC report. Ishbel Straker has also been suspended from the register. This information is freely available on a quick Internet search. I would advice as I did and research the practice and practitioner before accepting your diagnosis. There is a long wait for assessment but I strongly recommend accessing an assessment via your GP. I am so pleased I did this, I am now receiving and benefitting from the treatment I require.