Please help me lift myself up

[45andgoingtofight]

Ok thread title sounds a little cringe maybe but this is context.

im 45. I was on a very senior career track up until 7 years ago when had a catastrophic series of events. One very high profile legal issue. Lost both parents, husband had affair.

I’ve entirely lost myself.

in current role. I am very much the most experienced in an area but you wouldn’t know as lost confidence and culture is very land grabby.

I look and feel like shit.

For the past few weeks am flipping between slipping away further in career and coming to terms with my life could have been different, or trying to lift myself up.

have woken (after a broken night sleep) with fire in my belly.

help me get myself back on track please.

the areas I really need help with are:

• rebuildmg my brand at work and in industry. It’s not terrible but am seen as way more junior and have lost my impact
• a general lack of sponsorship. I find maybe people reticent to be a public sponsor due to politics
• confidence in myself in general
• i don’t invest in how I look or dress

any inspirational stories from those who have been and done similar much appreciated too.

thank you 🥰

one positive step is that I’m on HRT for peri symptoms now…

Needy bump

No experience or advice, OP, but I’ve brought the Pom poms and I’m here to cheer you on!

I’m a similar age and 6 months into a career change, so maybe have a few similar feelings of imposter syndrome and self doubt (ha! But I had those at the top of my previous career too!)

Use that fire today!
Get on Vinted and buy yourself some new bits.
Go through your wardrobe and chuck the terrible bits and work out new confidence-boosting combos.
Book a haircut!
Go and buy new glasses! (I need to do this!)
Get AI to write you some confidence boosting guff, some phrases you can use that will quietly assert your competence, etc.
You’re awesome! Your experience is so needed with these gung-ho young things!

I’m with you! Unleash your awesomeness!

Oh wow, I’ve almost inspired myself.

I’ll just lurk around for the real advice from the proper grown-ups!

@HedgeWitchOfTheWest thank you!! I hadn’t even thought of glasses but I do need better ones!!!

sending positive kick butt thoughts to you too

Maybe you need to start by 'fake it to make it.' Can you afford to buy a new outfit and maybe get one of those free make up counter make up sessions to give yourself a boost? Try a 10 minutes a day home exercise app. Then as you're feeling a bit better that way, give yourself a work strategy over the coming year? You've been through a lot OP give yourself credit for surviving all this. Best of luck to you.

Coaching. A work coach will help you enormously and if you’re interested, I can DM you fabulous one. They will give you the space to try and work out what you need or want and help you find ways to get there.

Separate to that, treat yourself to little things that will make you feel better. New glasses. Some little bits of make up or a new hair cut. Go to a department store, find clothes that suit you and the sizes of brands you need then get a few of those bits on Vinted - not a make over, but a few pairs of decent trousers or a dress or some new blouses will make you feel better at work.

Baby steps, but I honestly think coaching will help you.

Professional work coach - three sessions were life changing for me.

Invest in your health and wellbeing so you feel good - if you can afford, get massage, do yoga, get personal trainer etc. Take hot baths with good book! You deserve to rest and restore and go back into work energised and like you live yourself

Good luck!! Sounds like you have taken the first step

Some thoughts - mentoring? I know you are senior but are there even more senior people you could approach? Even if they just say "no" its a contact ! People generally like being asked and it reminds you of what you can do.

One of those short career booster courses ? Judge institute in cambrige does some really amazing stuff

LinkedIn profile - when you update it, it tells your contacts - reminds them you are still around

Haircut, power glasses, and bizarre but trust me on this - good shoes in an unusual colour with a dull suit can remind you every day of your fabulousness

Good luck ( now to take my own advice)__

Work from the outside in, because it sounds like you are in a profession where that matters. Get a really good haircut, brows shaped. If you are pale, use tanning oil drops - looking slightly suntanned in the middle of a long wet British winter does wonders for your appearance.

Buy a couple of absolutely classic suits if you work in that sort of environment, with beautiful silk blouses or merino/cashmere shells to wear with them. Make sure they work together so you can wear them as separates. If your environment is more creative, buy two outfits that can be mixed together and fit you really well. Do the same with downtime clothes. No more slobbing in faded yoga pants. Buy some really good and comfortable clothes that you don't feel ashamed of leaving the house in and only wear these.

Take up weightlifting and body weight bootcamp. It is the single most empowering exercise a woman can do. It gives you excellent posture within weeks. You feel strong in body - able to lift weight, run upstairs etc. It shows in your everyday life. You walk tall, shoulders pinned back, you stand square on. I realsed I was naturally walking like an athlete when I started doing it. Doesn;t matter if you are fat or skinny - within weeks you feel great. Trial a few PTs if you can afford one and book the one you connect with best. If not, just go online and start doing weights and bodywork. Some people like Caroline Girvan. I prefer Kettlebells with Amy and the incredible LeoMoves.

Listen to some 5 minute manifestations every morning and night. You don't have to believe in The Secret or any hokum, they just reset a negative, self-doubting mindset into a positive one, and give you a more 'Can do' attitude. We all know the people who succeed at work are the ones who have total faith in themselves, whether or not that self-belief is deserved. May as well join them, and then use your actual talent as extra leverage.

Take supplements: Vit D spray and herbal iron help with fatigue, B complex helps with low mood, magnesium and L-Tyrosine help boost dopamine and make you more proactive. My son swears by creatine too - not for muscle-building (which it does) but for clarity of mind.

Disagree with suggestions to get on Vinted. I wouldn't start with Vinted. I'd go shopping so you can try things on and really work out what fits and feels good. Vinted is hit and miss and you could feel down having spent money on shit that doesn't fit, that you now have to dispose of.

Totally agree about good shoes in an unusual colour.

Thank you all for the responses. Feeling really positive.

any recommendations of coaches gladly received thank you.

im struggling most as feel 45 is too late to try fo another push

I’m a big believer in Fake It ‘til you Make It. Walk tall, wear red lippie, smile - appearing confident is way more important than actually being it. Clothes that help you feel you ‘look the part’ at work (dress for the job you want, and all that). Have an USP, I’m known for my great shoes, they are the thing people always notice. PS I’m older than you - it’s never too late.

@45andgoingtofight i can’t pm you but if you can try to pm me I have a recommendation for you

Loving this thread (and unashamedly hijacking it for my own benefit!)

I did, in fact, spend a small fortune on new glasses today.

And the posters recommending work coaches have inspired me to use the mentor service offered by my professional body.

There’s a small chance I might even get out of my gym gear at work (from home) next week.

Thanks for all the suggestions- keep them coming!

@Purplecatshopaholic going to look at shoes this evening

@HEC2746 pm sent

@HedgeWitchOfTheWest hijack away. Am glad and sad in equal measure I’m not alone

Personal glow up - easy wins. If you don't exercise already a daily half hour walk and litre of water a day will make you look better. Then any kind of skincare - just moisturise with whatever you have but consistently all week. You can switch up to a fancy routine later - just starting now this will give you glow, and start to boost your confidence

I hear you when it comes to work - lost my mojo after two Mat leaves, much younger colleagues going up the career ladder, male dominated environment - could go on, but what I did is this to make myself fake confidence until I felt it.

I personally invested in myself. Started working out, hair cut and coloured regularly, nails done, solid skincare routine, some other tweaks so I felt physically better in myself. This kind of led into me eating better and just being nutritionally more conscious - no sudden diet changes, just small changes here and there. All of that meant I slept better, mentally felt more consistent (blips still - just started some new medication to help with hormone imbalance)

It can be daunting trying to tackle everything at once but all these small things led to me having the confidence to put myself forward for things at work, put myself out there and take on more responsibility