Having a shit time of it around my relationship with my mother. Have posted in relationships about something recent but have never really told this story to anyone. My husband knows but I've only every brushed over it (I very much internalise). For some reason, after another gut punch from my mother, I feel the need for some validation, for someone to acknowledge that this was really shit. I'm sorry if it's upsetting.
Growing up, my father was an alcoholic and my mother was unavailable. As I moved into my teens, their relationship became very toxic. My father was very emotionally abusive, particularly when drunk, and they would have blazing arguments in front of me and my sibling. We would hide upstairs behind the bannisters and watch before eventually having to split them up.
My sister moved out at 17. I was 13. One week I went on a residential school trip and on return, noone came to pick me up. One of the teachers drove me home where I found that my mum had left. I didn't hear from her for two weeks and when she eventually let me know where she was, there was no room for me. So I stayed with my dad and the emotional abuse that he gave to my mother became directed at me. It wasn't all the time but once he started he wouldn't stop and it was very much all about how my mother hated him, she was evil etc etc. One day I asked him to stop because I'd had enough but he wouldn't. He kept going on and on. Whenever I said to him that I didn't want to hear anymore he'd tell me that this was the problem. That noone loved him or wanted to listen to him. He followed me around the house until I told him I needed him to stop or I would kill myself. He told me to go ahead. He put his tablets on the side and said they were there if I wanted them. So I took them. I have no idea what they were, I think co-codamol and something else. He called my mum then who took me straight to hospital where I was given some kind of liquid that made me violently sick. I spent a night in hospital, went home the following day and it was never mentioned again.
This was just one of many things over the years and I have always just gotten on with it and built my own life with my own amazing family. I'm tough and resilient but I've suffered from eating disorders for the best part of 30 years and I'm feeling pretty low at the moment.
My father is long gone and I have distanced myself from my mother. There is very little she can do to hurt me anymore but she's managed it again. It shouldn't ever come as a surprise. I should know better by now. I just feel a bit bereft and like I don't know how to manage the wave or hurt yet again. Sorry for the long post.