What do you spend on adult children for birthdays

[LovelyJubblycoco]

I have three children in their thirties all struggling financially. My eldest would love something that costs £300. I never usually spend that much but it’s something they can’t afford. What is the consensus ?

If I could afford to buy it for them I would. Generally speaking I'd spend around €100 on them but If I saw something more expensive that I know they'd love and had the money then i would buy it

Relationships should be a 2 way street so I don't blame you for that

So birthday boy already owes you money and has basically said buy me this or nothing else? Sounds ungratefuland grabby tbh.

No he really isn’t. It was actually my suggestion and he said he’d love it .He is genuinely really struggling .

I’m the child. £40 in cash for birthday last year and £30 for Christmas. I’m an only child though so she’s no other children to have to balance it out with. We will also go for a birthday meal which I will pay for. My husband from his dad gets £200 as do I, that will be a voucher for wherever we want.

We don’t really do presents as a family - just sometimes something silly if we think it’ll make amusement.
I do think you are treading a dangerous line not treating all kids equally - my MIL did this and it causes no end of unnecessary resentment. You might not think they’ll find out, but I expect they will!

If there’s something you can easily afford, and my child is struggling, I would just buy it. It’s a gift and comes with love.

@LovelyJubblycoco is it a bicycle? Or something you can get cheaper second hand?

I’d be tempted to knock money off the amount he owes you in lieu of a present.
or, if he’s skint, would giving him cash help his situation?

It’s an Apple Watch. He’s training hard in the gym and changing his diet. He couldn’t eat any Xmas food and is trying really hard. I asked him if he wanted a fitness watch as he says he has carry his phone in his pocket during the day to count steps which he would rather not do. It’s harder to have his phone out too at the gym. I thought it would encourage him. He’s really low, has no money and can’t afford to go out for his birthday. He said it would be helpful to check his emails rather than be on his phone all the time ( he checks it too much). I can see why it wouod be really helpful. He needs to be on top of emails constantly for work reasons. He didn’t ask for it. It came out of a general conversation.

aww get it for him if you can afford it

This all comes down to what you can afford and what you feel comfortable giving. Our adult DC's both get around £300 each on either a gift they want or we sometimes just give them the money.

If you can afford it, and can afford similar on the other DC then why not?

I spend significantly more on my DC in mid/late twenties

both you and your DC have weird ideas about what counts as luxuries/essentials if you think that any adult 'desperately needs' a tumble drier, or spending £300 on a watch for someone who is already in debt and so 'absolutely broke' he can't afford £20 to go for a cheap pint or meal for his birthday, is a good idea! If I owed someone a lot of money I'd be desperately trying to work out if there were any possessions I could sell or things I could give up to pay them back, not thinking of new things I'd like and paying for gym memberships!

If you can spend the £300 without it affecting you in any way it would be much better to knock that off the money he owes you rather than buying him something that is completely unnecessary. Even if he wanted a smart watch you can get ones that do 99% of the same as an apple one for a quarter of the price.

I also think it would be unfair to treat one DC and not the other if they're all hard up. You don't have to always treat them all exactly the same, and if the others were financially solvent it might be more understandable, but yeah it would upset me a lot if I was struggling to put food on the table and my mum bought my sibling a £300 watch.

If it’s an Apple Watch I’d get a reconditioned or slightly older model. They don’t need to be £320.

Hmmm.. that’s not quite the situation but I don’t want to give more details.