DS without friends

[WildScroller]

My eldest DS13 is struggling to move friendships from school to socialising after school and weekends.
We don’t live in the same area as his friends and I don’t know any of his new high school friends’ parents so I can’t set up any ‘play dates’ (don’t know the terms for older kids!). I’m a single mum going through a tough separation, working full time with two younger kids too-getting them to clubs every night so not much time for driving him round to friends’ houses or where ever they meet.
He plays a sport twice a week but the team-mates have all played together for years and go to a different school in a different town.

How do you ‘convert’ friends at school to becoming more friendly out of school hours? I was always quite awkward at school so can’t give him tips. He says he doesn’t feel confident to ask them round to the house or ask to do things with them. I can’t get him to re-join Scouts or do any other clubs.

He sometimes complains he feels on the outside because all his mates have Paystations or Xboxes and we don’t. I don’t want to be one of the herd and set myself up for negotiating time and sharing of a PS5 or Xbox with his siblings whilst I’m trying to do everything else on my own too. But should I cave and get one so he can be online with friends? Not many of them seem to go out anymore (maybe it’s a winter thing too?) whereas I want to encourage him to do outdoors stuff. Or am I confusing gaming with social media panic that’s happening and being stuck on a phone?

Ours socialise online via gaming a lot and they are fine it hasn’t friend their brains

So yes I think if you want him to build friendships outside of school that’s the way to go. Especially in the darker wetter months

Can he not hang out at the weekend with old local friends?

And you say you don’t want to be part of the herd, but what about him? Being part of a herd is how you make friends.

It sounds like you are making a lot of decisions for him and want the other teens to fit into your vision of a no gaming utopia. It does exist. When they come round they also game but together.

I don’t understand the paranoia around screens, our 15 year old has gaming, he’s fine.

The other option is for him, as it gets lighter, is to go to shop/park after school by school with his mates and you collect him a bit later.

And also to not worry you say in title no friends but that’s not true he has friends in school - at 13 onwards they kind of sort all this out themselves

I think you should buy him a ps5. I have boys and a lot of their socialising is online with friends after school. They FaceTime their friends whilst gaming.

Mine do out but not as much in winter.

It's tricky if his friends aren't local as in my experience you get to an age where you want to make your own plans and not rely parents and prearranged playdates. The online gaming might be the only option here.

I think you are doing him a bit of a disservice by not allowing a console at 13. He will be missing out on loads and left out of lots of in jokes the next day at school. It was the same in the noughties if you didn’t spend the night on msn messenger and there was gossip.

It’s hard to wrap your head around but it IS part of socialising for boys, and also for men. DH has been playing games online since he was 14 and is now 33. It’s just men talking on the phone with a distraction and the conversation has changed over the years from “what did we have to do for maths homework” to “we’re struggling to conceive and thinking about doing IVF”. You have to try and value it even if you don’t understand it.

It sounds like you are making a lot of decisions for him and want the other teens to fit into your vision of a no gaming utopia.

Yes this - he probably feels embarrassed to invite friends round and not have a console as that is what they would expect to do when they are round. I was the same as a teen - wouldn’t invite friends round because my parents wouldn’t let me have a TV in my room!

At 13 you don’t need to arrange time with his friends, he can do that!
As others have said, I would get him a console as he probably feels very left out. As for negotiating time with his siblings, can he have it in his room (again, as the majority of teenagers do)
I appreciate doing it on your own is hard, I’m a single mum of 4 but none are old enough for a console (apart from the 19 year old who sorts herself out)

Gaming seems to be how they socialise sometimes. My ds is a similar age. I have found new friendships have began through games in common and playing together. He doesn’t game everyday and they do socialise in face to face situations, sports and clubs out of school too.

I’m not mad keen on gaming, but outside of football, it’s one of the main ways DS (13) socialises with friends.

Thank you for the replies. It’s useful to hear. His siblings are 7 and 10 so would probably want to game as well

@Talkingtomyhouseplants and @frozendaisy for background I have come out of a very horrible DV situation and have no family locally so have kept everything together for me and the children through court process etc on my own. I have had to make a lot of decisions to keep him and us all safe. So I’ve not done it to be controlling, we’re all just facing the real world again after the past year of difficulties.
I see now it’s something I’ve got to get my head round as we weren’t allowed anything like that as kids and it was a very old fashioned upbringing all girls so no idea about teenage boys!
I am now understanding this is part of how boys chat and form friends outside of school.

Next question… Xbox or Ps5?!

Ask him! Better still ask him to ask his peers at school what they have and which is better.

Thank you. He said everyone has different ones so either 🤷🏼‍♀️

@WildScroller You need to ask him. DC2&3 have a ps5 and most of their friends have the same but dc1 has an Xbox.

They can game together on different types of consoles.