What does your support network look like?

[Kaleidystopia]

I'm wondering about what other people's support networks look like. This comes after speaking with a counsellor, and their recommendations to improve my own. The thing is, I'm not actually sure what support looks like or what is usual! I feel like I offer more support than I receive, but 'support' is such a vague concept, and it might mean different things to different people. I'd really like to hear others' thoughts and experiences.

So, who do you turn to and what support do they provide? How does this get asked for by you, or recognised by them? How do you support other people, and when or why? Have you had to work to put things in place, or has this always been there for you?

Needless to say, I did not grow up feeling supported (although the basics of food, shelter etc were provided).

Like the vast emptiness of the…steppes? Prairie? Desert? Like a vast emptiness anyway.

I think sheer good luck and a lot of hard work has managed to provide a good support network for myself.
I have literally no family alive and (deceased) DH family are also dead. No children. So I’ve had to find/make a support network.
I am very open about the fact I have Bipolar 2 and an ever lurking eating disorder. My very supportive friends are a mix of work colleagues and those I’ve met in group therapy plus some I’ve met doing other activities and a brilliant therapist. I will support them all whenever they need it. In return, they are inquisitive regarding my issues and generally keep an eye out for me, all are willing to step up and intervene however needed if they think it’s necessary. However, I am extremely proactive in trying to keep myself well and alive. I do believe people are willing to help someone who helps themselves even if that self help and self reliance means they stumble about along the way.
I do believe that my work friends do sometimes collaborate and collectively decide upon some of their past actions.

I don't have a support network. Apart from my son who lives in a city an hour and three quarters away. But I know if I really need help he will drop everything to provide it. I try not to bother him unless absolutely necessary. And I try and support him when he needs it too.

Apart from that I know in an emergency I could probably go to 2 of my neighbours. And similarly I would help a few of the people who live nearby if they asked. But generally we all lead pretty independent lives and don't ask anything of each other.

I was brought up in a family where I didn't get help and support from my parents so I'm conditioned to being mentally and physically self sufficient and to expect nothing from people. Apart from my relationship with my son being very close and supportive.

until five years ago I had my mum, but now she has died . She was my #1 go-to person (and me for her).

So now I rely on dh and pil for practical support

i have two mum friends for help with young dc (we share favours, like pickups and reminders and socialise a bit)

and I have a best female friend but I try not to unload

lastly I have a wonderful neighbour who is a great friend, we also provide help to each other when needed eg a lift to hospital, or watering the garden and putting out the bins.

A support network is for most people a theory, but in practice most will discover that they have none.

All but 2 of my friends and none of my family helped me in my troubles.

Just make sure that you have planned for every event without help. Then you will manage either way.

I've never needed much of a support network. I just get on with things myself. DH helps with the practical side, particularly juggling the dcs. My adult DS helps occasionally with some childcare/practical issues like escorting me home after surgery, but not often. We lean on after school club and holiday clubs for childcare. I don't seek emotional support much, as I like to keep things to myself, but I'll share problems with DH. I don't get into deep emotional shares though.
I provide support to DH and my dcs but I don't like to be depended on by friends or other mums. We aren't close to extended family or neighbours, and we don't have many friends.

Interesting question. I have a small one, apart from DH no-one I would lean that much on emotionally or practically. I'm v happy to help others, but don't want to be a burden myself.
A couple of local friends have had v hard times in the last couple of years and I've been amazed by what fantastic support networks they have - people cooking meals, helping with kids, and so on. Think it must be a mixture of luck and cultivating it when times are better.

I spent many years with none. Now I have support from my mum and sister. I can turn up anytime and say "I need you to have the kids". When they know im struggling a bit theyll have my youngest, and my mum will have him often for a night or two. We all support eachother, we can ask for help and we know we will be there. We also dont get offended if one of us says no we cant help, because we know there will be a good reason. We're very much, if we can we will. We can send a message saying "can one of you send me £30" and again, if we can we will.

We trust and respect eachother. I didnt have support until the last 2 years and life is significantly easier now. I love them so much.

Isn't a 'support network' friends ?

I mean, depends what support you are after, but if you mean things like I had recently where I needed someone to collect me from a medical appointment (wouldn't let me go alone), then I would ask a friend if none of my family were available.
Or do you mean wider things like asking if anyone could recommend a good plumber / builder / nail technician / puppy walker ?
Or are you talking about people you can chat something over with when you are worried about an issue ?
Or something different?

As, all of those would come under 'friends' for me, but different people for different 'support'.

In terms of building that network - I just live my life, being friendly and supportive to others I guess. I know I'd help someone else out when needed, so I have no qualms about asking for help if I need it.

Interesting replies so far, thank you. It seems my own experience isn't perhaps that unusual - my partner, some close friends and some less close friends, but largely dealing with life independently apart from a bit of help or a chat here and there. My family would probably help out practically in an emergency, if specifically asked, but it would come with strings.

The people I see who seem to have the most support seem to live close to extended family, often with many siblings, and a generational expectation of closeness and involvement in each others lives. There are often long-term friendships when people haven't moved away too.

This is rare where I live, where people often move here to work. You'd think this would make close friendship groups more of a necessity, but it seems like people aren't that interested or are too busy to build them. People also seem less sociable and supportive since COVID lockdowns too, imo.

Mine is vast and loving. Friends, family, neighbours, colleagues… I’ve nurtured relationships with people and reap the benefits. I’m incredibly fortunate but it didn’t just happen.

A support network can also be internal and about preventive measures, such as building resilience and ensuring as healthily balanced a lifestyle as possible in your circumstances. Stress management, burnout prevention, sleep hygiene, living within your means are some good places to start. Another is hobbies and interests you share with likeminded people for social enrichment.

I moved to the UK when I got married so no close family or friends where we moved too. Have a fantastic supportive network do neighbours and friends now but I have put in the legwork . I consider myself a good friend though , I am kind but not nosey or pushy . And people have been so kind to me . I have always paid for childcare and baby sitter unless I could do a reciprocal arrangement though - never take the piss .

I could have written this exact same post…

Not much support growing up either. Moved out at 16.

Agree with 'it doesn't just happen'
As my youngest dc was getting towards end of primary school I made a much bigger effort with other school mums as I realised the day-to-day contact would fade away.
A few years later when dh was diagnosed with cancer and in hospital for almost 6 months, this was the basis of my support network. Both emotional and practical support that kept my family going.

When we adopted we had to think about this.

I am continually saddened by people on here who appear to have no one they can ask for help from. I think especially when you have children you need to be willing to offer help, ask for help and accept help. For example taking a child to school if you are ill.

My support network is friends I have picked up from university, work, and school gates, plus neighbours. Having emotional, practical, & emergency support is important.

If I needed to talk I’ve family and friends that live far away. I’ve one or two school mum friends that have been really good when I’ve been stuck. Im generally the first to reach out as everyone has stuff going on but they’re great. If I didn’t contact them they would reach out at some stage. Childcare wise there’s me and dh. If we ended up in hospital for eg in laws could help but for the everyday it’s just us

I had 2 children in the 80/90s. I ended up a single parent. I had my mum, sisters, the dc Dad, the dc grandparents and lots of friends with similar aged dc.

I met someone else when my oldervdc werex10cand 12.
We had 4 dc, 3 youngest are Autistic. I'm now totally on my own.

No family locally now, the dc dad has nothing to do with them. Friends are difficult to make but impossible to keep due to caring for my dc. Friends all have dc similar to mine so we can't help each other from a practical point of view.

I needed a biopsy a few years ago and couldn't even oeganise care for a day. I never get a break and its 100 times harder as the dc have gotten older.