No friends

[WorthyMintCat]

I’m so sick of being 40 and having no friends. To look at me you’d probably think I had loads of friends, and I know I could be a good friend given the chance.

After school my friends moved away; I never went to college or uni so I didn’t have the opportunity to make new friends. I didn’t even have anyone to ask to be a bridesmaid or maid of honour when I got married.

Things improved when I joined a military wives choir but then we left the area.

I joined friendship groups on Facebook and met up with people a few times but I found it was always me messaging first. Then someone I was friends with at a previous job ghosted me. This has really affected my confidence with friendships, which I think has lead me to hold back in my current situation.

I started a course last September which I thought would solve my friendship problem. I’ve made acquaintances but not a real connection with anyone. I confided in someone who was supportive at first but they blow hot and cold which is very frustrating because I feel like I don’t know where I am with her.

I’ve considered this problem many times and often read advice that I should join clubs that interest me but they are always at bad times or locations.

I just don’t know what else to do. It’s effecting my mental health.

To look at me you’d probably think I had loads of friends, and I know I could be a good friend given the chance.

why would one think that just by looking at you?

Do you work? I have loads of ‘friends’ through my work and my kids hobbies but they aren’t those life-long deep and meaningful friends that I think you are craving and of course those are very difficult to suddenly manifest at 40. My advice would be to be less intense. It sounds like you’re frightening people away.

I’m in the same boat and was also a military wife for a long time so moved around a lot, it’s hard to build friendships. I’ve heard people recommend bumble or meet up apps but I haven’t tried them myself. I think this is such a common problem now so you are not alone in feeling alone

why would one think that just by looking at you?

bit rude. Probably because she looks friendly and confident

I think if you’re on FB come off it or try not to get hung up about photos of lots of friends having a good time or someone on a fabulous looking holiday, smiling adorable children they could have been fighting like cat and dog just before or after the photo etc. People only post a snap shot of best moments.

Lots of people in the same boat as you OP. Try and be less intense and focus on small wins. Someone to go for coffee with, chatting to someone on a dog walk if you have a dog, or at playgroup or the school gates if you have young children. Try a couple of things that interest you maybe painting, pottery, sewing, the Sunday fun run thing, walking group, a book club, pilates, rock choir group, boxing, gardening group etc etc.

Keep popping down to a nice local cafe with a book be friendly and show an interest in the staff there and introduce yourself. Hi I’m worthy we moved here a year ago from such and such a place, ask them if they know of a good hairdressers, exercise class, florist, soft play centre, dentist, doctors, chinese restaurant, know of any nice walks in the area etc etc. This way you could build a sense of community etc.

No I’m doing a full time university course.
I’m not intense at all, honestly. I let people speak and I listen.

Exactly this. Thank you.

I tried Bumble for Friends and it was even worse than facebook friendship groups; a few friendly messages then nothing! That was a couple of years ago though so I may try it again.

So sorry, trying to make good friends is so hard at this age and life stage. As is holding onto old ones! Please don't feel like there's anything wrong with you.
I would agree with trying bumble again, just chatting with loads of people and seeing who is really interested in meeting up and keeping meeting up.
From personal experience if you chat to ten people on the app, a few will want to meet up and you might keep seeing one or two. Give everyone a chance but be discerning and keep in mind what you really want out of a friendship. Also remember that you can have various types of friends - for different activities or levels of intimacy, and that's fine, as long as you enjoy each other's company.
Meetup.com is also worth a go.

Do you have a partner? Children? What about colleagues from the past?

Friendships need something to grow out of just acquaintances. they need risk taking. And we all have years with few friendships.

they fail if one party appears desperate or needy. Don’t leap from knowing someone to expecting them to be interested in your problems ( I am not sure wha you “confided” in them but it sounds intense. ) Friends come from shared laughter and shared trauma. Not one sided internalism. Think about sharing external things not being too intense

clubs give you a shared experience. And so what if it’s a bad time or location ? That states that you are no prepared to put yourself out which isn’t a good start - do you expect friendships also only on your terms and to your convenience?

good luck - it can be hard

What sort of friend are you looking for.
I mean you both have to click.