Gossip and power games

[GuidSnack]

I’m in a small hobby group and am struggling with the dynamics. The leader/organiser is competent but his assistant has taken over all communication, we’re not allowed to contact him directly and everything goes through her, she is, for lack of a better term, toxic.

She has essentially positioned herself as the gatekeeper, has extremely poor boundaries and speaks to us in a bossy, condescending manner. She also gossips about members who don’t do exactly what she wants, which makes everyone apprehensive about speaking up. Privately, people agree it’s unacceptable but no one wants to fall out with her or the leader. She completely influences and manipulates him (he's a lot younger) and he has her back, it's so weird.

There is a sort of governing body but anything we'd escalate will be gossiped about it's happened before she has a lot of influence.

Complicating things her (the assistant's) husband works with my DH, so I’m very keen to keep any falling outs to a minimum. I’d ideally like to stay in the group (there’s nothing similar locally) and I also know she’s moving away next year so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Are there any low conflict ways of managing this for myself in the meantime? Has anyone in a group ever challenges this kind of person?

Oh sounds like a pain. Can you get the info you need at meet ups and disengage from any whatsapp groups.

Can you go to a different group for the same hobby? Like a different squash club? I couldn't be arsed with this.

Turn up, smile, do the hobby, go home again.

Let it all wash over you, there really is no point in getting involved in all this stuff.

Can you and the like minded people in your group break away and form your own hobby group?
Hobbies are supposed to provide relaxation and enjoyment, other wise what's the point of them?

I know this is what I should do. It's hard when every fibre of my body scream this is unfair (because of the negative gossip she spreads and the influence she holds - and simply how smug she is 🙄)

Just wondering if there are any soft strategies to limit her power and influence. She also abuses her advance knowledge of club informations to her and her personal benefit so she' is kind of corrupt in a low level sense (not money related). It disagrees with me so much but she is leaving in 2027.

I don’t see ‘gossip’ as much of a weapon to wield over people who respond to the condescending ‘assistant’ assertively. Unless you’re a swingers’ club or something, in which case it’s potentially damaging, yes. Though surely she can’t reveal other people’s identities outside the club without revealing her own involvement…?

Anyway, assuming it’s squash or macramé or Dungeons and Dragons, I don’t see why it needs to be either seething in silence or outright warfare. Just be civil and assertive when she speaks to you in a way you don’t like?

I know it's outing but it would be so much easier to advise you if we knew what the hobby is. There's a huge difference between Am Dram, choir group and chess club for example.

Personally, whatever the hobby, I think you are giving this woman too much power in your own mind. I would be inclined to grey rock whenever she is around, and look forward to being free from her toxicity next year. Focus on the hobby that you enjoy and the friends you have made through it.

Haha, definitely not a swingers club.
What’s hard is that she tends to bad mouth anyone who ever challenges her, even when it’s done politely and respectfully. And maybe you’re right the gossip itself doesn’t really matter (but it really grates). It's like she is the victim when anyone make a counter suggestion or raises an issue (nicely) - despite holding all the power in this group and being a self declared gatekeeper. There's a wide range of ages of members, some elderly and some younger adults. On reflection, I don’t think her behaviour is actually harmful to me personally but its is very annoying. Since she’ll be moving next year, I’d really prefer to stay and just keep things as calm as possible until then. Arrrg.

You won't be the only one who feels this way. Just keep your head down, bide your time and enjoy your hobby. Life's too short to let people like this spoil things for you.

It’s just that you sound slightly afraid of her, and there seems no real reason to be? Surely, if she’s universally disliked, her badmouthing can have no real impact? People will just say ‘Whatever you say, Angela’ and think whatever they previously thought?

I'd probably speak to others in the group first if I was going to raise anything this assistant would have a problem with. If you get support from others in advance before approaching her, it sort of takes her power away. Nobody wants to be the 'troublemaker' so even though the group members may all think the same as you - no one wants to raise their head over the parapet. So if she unilaterally decides x is happening on x date, which doesn't suit you, canvass the group and go back to her with an alternative 'sadly Jean and Margo are in Tenerife and John's got visitors. But we can all do Y on Y date - do you think 'leader' can accomodate this date?
Don't give her the power to decide how the group runs.

I have decided that I'm going to ignore her politicking and self serving ways and focus on enjoying my hobby.