Husband makes me feel like a shit mother

[Greenville78]

I’m so used to reading about crappy absent fathers I feel a bit silly to be complaining of this but my husband makes me feel like a crap mother.

its heightened when our toddler is sick. She’s ill at the moment with a nasty cold and cough and he will repeatedly say to me in a really concerned voice “ohh she’s got a nasty cough”…. 5 minutes later “that cough sounds really bad”. It makes me feel like it’s somehow my fault or I’m supposed to fix it. There is a general expectation that if he thinks she needs to see a doctor, it’s me that arranges the appointment and takes time off work to take her….

Today was my day off and I was looking after toddler. She’d been mostly fine all day but the cough is worse when lying down so when I put her down for a nap she started coughing. He then came home from work early and noticed her coughing on the monitor and went straight upstairs to give her cough medicine. This obviously woke her up fully so she didn’t nap for more than 10 minutes all day.

All the time he’s taking her off me to cuddle, it doesn’t help that she has a massive preference for him at the moment anyway and is constantly reaching for him. Everything combined just makes me feel like a shit mum, like it’s my fault she’s sick or I’m not looking after her well enough. I do feel like he gets very anxious when she’s sick, he genuinely looks petrified and starts saying she needs a doctor when it’s a straightforward cold or sick bug.

When I’ve raised it with him and told him how it makes me feel he gets frustrated and says I’m having a go at him,

Am I being ridiculous?

I often feel like an employee whose performance is under scrutiny rather than a partner. He says this is all in my head.

“It makes me feel”

well it’s just words. So does he say it’s your fault? Confused about what he does exactly that’s so awful.

kids always have a parent preference. It’s shit. Is that the real issue? You think he knows her better?

Isn't there a quote that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Don't let him get to you, be confident in your parenting decisions, dont let him take her from you and put across your opinion, you have just as much right to make decisions for your child as him, he's just taken that role but it could have been you too.

I'm more like him with our child, in your shoes I would have told DH not to disturb her if she were napping, if he questioned my judgement I'd have argued my point that she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. Speak up when you disagree with him otherwise he's just going to do what he fancies all the time.

It might just be he's more anxious than you? Especially if he is away at work and comes back and heard the cough for the first time. I dont think you are doing anything wrong either, but from the sounds of it he isn't outright accusing you of doing anything wrong either. ( If this is part of a pattern it's different).

My aunt is a lovely woman and a second mum to me as she was around me a lot growing up. She is also really anxious around heights especially toddlers and heights. To the extent of going "oh be careful" every time I walked down the stairs with my baby on my arms or later, holding the toddlers hand. Likewise going near the edge of anywhere vaguely high (I wasn't dangling the baby off a cliff or anything). It made me feel shit at the time because it gave the impression she did think I could properly look after my own child. But I know it wasn't meant like that. It was her own anxiousness.
He doesn't sound as extreme as that (it's not like extreme hyperchondria). You are both within the normal range. But so long as he is focusing on being concerned about the baby rather than in you not looking after them I would assume it's not meant as a personal slight on you..it's hard though. You can't tell him not to say he's worried about her cough any more than he can stop you saying it. It won't work anyway, because then she'd be coughing and you'd know he was trying hard NOT to say anything so it would be just as infuriating.
The preference she has for him will change. They go back and forth at that age. I would frankly enjoy the time and have a shower/bath if you have been at home with her all day.

By the way, I didn't change my behaviour going downstairs. I already WAS being careful and I knew that. So I think you should be confident in your parenting ability. But equally I don't think he'd necessarily trying to undermine you.

If you read your post back to yourself it's all 'I feel' not 'he says'.
If you don't think she needs a visit to the GP think no more of it, he can hint until the cows come home (is he actually doing that or is it something else you 'feel'?) If he specifically says she needs to see a doctor ask him what time he made the appointment for and tell him to let you know how it goes.
I think, potentially, you think you are being a shit mum and projecting your feelings onto him to validate your feelings (I am not saying you are a shit mum!)