Does anyone have a young adult with no friends? Is it ok to have no friends?

[Firefly45]

DS is in first year at uni. He struggles with social anxiety and I also suspect he may be on the spectrum.
He has never 'fitted in' with peers. Not had friends at primary or high school or college. We were hoping uni would be where he finally found his crowd and some confidence.
He said he has loads of online friends (he does!) That he has known for years.
He has made 0 friends on his course. He speaks to people he lives with but not friends. Its looking like he will be living on his own next year back in uni accom while everyone else gets houses together

He said he is happy, he likes being on his own. He said he gets worn out socialising and would rather be on his own.

He is funny and chatty and sings in shower when he is home. He doesnt seem depressed and he said he isnt. If he comes home for a visit he cant wait to get back to his room at uni.

I worry about him so much. What happens if he leaves uni with no friends? It feels like this is his very last chance and if he doesnt make friends so he will spend rest of his life with no mates.

He hasnt got a job but is saying he is building up to it but scared cos of his social anxiety.

Does anyone have experience of this?
I worry about him so much but equally he appears to not make any effort to reach out to people or try and socialise.

But from what you say he doesn’t want friends and isn’t interested in making any?

My Grand daughter is the
same except she’s at College but hopefully will be at uni this year, I do worry about lack of real life friends.She says she doesn’t have any friends and that no one likes her.She has social anxiety too so won’t join any clubs etc to try and make new friends.There are clubs for autistic teens but a v long waiting list.Our family ,like the Op,was hoping she’d find real friends at college.
Hope someone comes along with help @Firefly45 totally understand the worry x

My brother was the same. Still happy, still alone. Try not to worry. My mum spent years trying to make me make him hang out with my friends. Torture for both of us.

If he really is happy, then I would try not to worry. the heartbreaking thing is when they are desperate to make friends and struggle to.
But having friends would be good for him. Could he try to meet up with some of the online friends - if they are special interest groups might they meet at conventions. Or just organise local gatherings? Or could he see if any of the interests he shares with online friends are available irl at uni?

Can you encourage him to join two things - one for fitness - running or martial arts or the gym and one hobby or activity. Just to get out into the world a bit more.

This reminds me a little bit of myself. I had a few very passing/fairweather friends at sixth form college, who were often unkind to me. I was happier on my own. My parents were hopeful I’d find my niche at university. I didn’t at all - I was so lonely. Struggled to make any friends. Looking back I’d have been happier just accepting who I was a bit more. I’m 99% certain I am asd and in the early 2000s that just wasnt a thing especially for girls. So I felt i had to be more social than I wanted to be.

anyway - am now in my 40s with a good group of friends and family. I’m fine. Life has got a lot easier for me socially as I’ve got older. I think I find the structure of work etc makes it easier for me to make friends.

anyway don’t stress your son out. My parents stressed me out a bit - I felt like I was letting them down a bit.

Just wanted to say, I’m almost 40 and haven’t really had anyone I’d call a friend for about 20 years. I’m happy with that. I have family and that is enough for me. I’m not lonely at all and enjoy time by myself. I actually find it exhausting if I have to socialise for more than a few hours and dread having overnight visitors or anything like that, even though they are close family members.

I did have friends at school, and wanted them. But looking back they were all using me for one thing or another and weren’t actually good friends.

I chat to people at work, but only polite conversations or a rant about something work related. Never anything personal.

I would be concerned that being alone all the time could tip them into MH crisis or having a skewed perspective of reality which makes loneliness a self fulfilling cycle (I have a relative like this). You say he seems to want to go back to his life alone at uni on his visits home. Bring alone can be addictive because it is 'easy' and you don't have anyone challenging your choices.

Being alone in the past was different to loneliness now as we didn't spend loads of hours on the Internet which I think is harmful behaviour, so not comparable. Online socialising just pushes you further away from real people if done excessively and you mentioned social anxiety is already impacting him in getting a job so already having a big impact on his life.

The thing is, I am not sure what you could do realistically as he is a young adult, except encouraging small steps, though he might try to resist that.

try not to worry, im in my 30s and don’t have anyone I could call a friend. Have many aquitances who I chat too, but im happy doing my own thing!
i find socialising exhausting but lead a happy life.

I think you have to let him live his life the way he wants to and be there if things change & he needs you.
If he says he's happy & seems happy living that way then that's his choice.

If he becomes unhappy then it's time for you to step in & offer support.

In the meantime try not to worry & try not to impose your fears/views about how he should live his life on him.

Ps I understand where you are coming from. We hear so much about people's kids "having the time of their lives" at Uni, having loads of friends, socialising constantly etc.

When you have a child who isn't doing that it feels as though they are doing it wrong somehow.
One of mine had a much quieter University experience but that was how they wanted it to be & it suited them. It doesn't match up in conversations with other parents but everyone is different.

I could have exactly written this about DS. He seems happy, and I do nothing more than gentle encouragement now, but I can’t help but worry.

His course incudes placements which are just starting so he’ll need to interact with others there so just hoping that doesn’t spike his anxiety.

No advice but helps to know he’s not the only one. And that they seem content.

I've got a DS like that, I worry a lot but he seems quite happy.