Found messages from husband what should I do

[berrypies]

Husband was out tonight at hobby and left his phone on charge at home by accident. Curiosities got the better of me and I had a stalk on his phone I know I shouldn’t have but I did. We’ve been going through a rough patch recently a couple of close family deaths a miscarriage etc has lead to some strain. I found some messages to his mate about me this messages weren’t the nicest but are from over 5 years ago a year or two after we met he’s said nothing like this since I had a big look to double check but what he said wasn’t nice at all. One of our issues is not enough sex or affection. In the messages His mate jokes about having to only have sex with me for the next 40 years and he says it’s mind over matter. There was a joke about being able to have an affair in 5 years and then talk of a fit college he jokes about thinking about her while fucking me with his eyes closed. Then talks about reminding himself that any fit girls wouldn’t take a second look at him so he might aswell stay put. These messages were early on in our relationship and he’s said nothing horrible since would you say anything. I’m torn on what to do he’s a very caring husband apart from the lack of more affection we are very happy. But clearly he wasn’t 5 years ago. I’m very hurt by reading these my confidence isn’t great at the moment we are now married with a baby.

Oh god that’s pretty fucked. I’d be upset to know the man I love talks like that full stop, let alone about me. It’s a really gross way to talk about sex. Of course it’s hard to confront him because you’ll have to admit invading his privacy like that

I understand a snoop if you have a gut feeling but to read messages to a friend from 5 years ago seems like you were almost intent on finding something. What made you dig so much?

I don’t really know what to say, it doesn’t sound great on either of you

I don’t think I’d ever be able to forget that, his messages would be stuck in the back of my mind forever now.

just gone through a really rough time together recently. the lack of affection had my already insecure self feeling more insecure and although he says he finds me attractive I just felt something was off and maybe his phone had the answers. I know he wasn’t cheating as I help plan his work diary and we use find my I phone. I don’t no what I was looking for.

Well that’s shit.
They were so long ago but they’ll be in your head now.
I don’t know about your husband, but I know my partner would be devastated to lose me now compared to when we first met. He loves me much more now than back then.
Do you believe there’s truth in what he said? As in, did he believe it was true? Or was he being a prick “bantering” with his mate.

@Jumimoit is he’s back now and I can’t look at him I’m just drying my hair in the other room if he mentions me being off I’ll just say period pain as it is true but not fully why I’m like this

Oh, that's horrible. What you do next depends on what sort of person you are I suppose OP. Presumably you don't want to leave him. I guess you could

• keep quiet and just try to get over it
• Have it out with him
• Leave

I think if it were me, I couldn't keep quiet. Ok maybe you snooped but what does he have to say for himself about this? His response and attitude might tell you a lot.

I don’t no what to do we had an awful year with lots of stress we ended the year in a great place and both on the same page with what we wanted for our family and the future. I don’t want to go back to square one but I also don’t want to see what he has to say for himself. He’s not said anything since but is he still thinking what he said 5 years ago

Honestly not normally one to jump on a post and say this but that’s really hurtful what he said. I couldn’t forgive my husband for that- quite a horrible nasty thing to write. Sorry Op but I’d be wishing him luck finding someone else

I think for now I will leave it he treats me with respect now he’s been more caring and affectionate this year since we worked on things.@DiscoDuck40During my post Partum stage last year with pnd I thought we would divorce I thought it was the only option. We both didn’t want this and worked hard on communication and both making effort with each other and it changed our marriage for the good I don’t currently want to undo all this work over something he said a year into dating me. I will be keeping this in me and if our relationship slips I can bring it up but I hope is dosnt also had a recent family death and it feels the ring time to mention anything while he’s grieving

I'll be honest and say that I believe its not uncommon for men to think and say things like that. I was very shocked when my brother said something very similar to me about the girl he was dating. I was really hurt on her behalf and asked him why was he dating her at all and his reply was that while he didn't think she was good looking, he knew he wasn't model material himself.

They have been married for over twenty years now.

Let this be a lesson.....do not snoop again! I do believe men fall more in love as time goes on in a relationship. You haven't been having the easiest of times, but if you both look forward and want it to work, it will. I wish you both the best of luck, moving forward.

You must have been having a good old snoop if you were reading msg from 5 years ago! What he said was pretty rough but equally snooping and blaming it on your curiosity is equally as bad in my eyes.

I should add he told me this just before he proposed to her! I remember being really confused as to whether even congratulate him when they broke the news of their engagement.

I think this is going to fester in your mind OP and affect your relationship with him. You won't be able to forget it.

I think you should try and have a conversation with him. Not specifically mentioning the messages but about his thoughts on marriage in general and why he wanted to get married and why he wanted to marry you in particular..And his thoughts on monogomy. What what he says may reassure you. If it doesn't you aren't any worse off than you are having seen those messages.

We discussed it last night I just had to he apologised said it was a long time ago that he didn’t mean it and was just jokes between friends. I said it’s ok to have joke but not at the expense of your wife I shouldn’t be the joke which he agreed. He’s apologised I apologised for snooping it’s done now not sure what else there is to say I’m still hurt by what he said part of thinks what he was saying about me he really feels he obviously denied and said it was all a joke