Death of a grandparent is as bad a death of a parent for me

[pontipinemum]

I do think I am being over sensitive/ picking this up wrong but I am not sure.

Over the years when discussing the death of a parent with new friends/ colleagues. I say 'I was raised by my GPs from 6 weeks old, they both died young ish one at 68 when I was 19 and one 70 when I was 25. I understand grieving a parent is so difficult.'

Often I will get or at least feel a bit of push back on that statement. From a cousin recently a few months after her mum died 'you are the closest to understanding' or from others 'I suppose you mostly get it'

Where as when I was backpacking or with people I would never meet again, I would just call them my parents. It seemed to get a different response.

My great grandparents died when I was 12 + 16 I was upset of course but moved on and it did not have a big impact on my life.

Would you think it is the same as loosing a parent? I cannot imagine I will feel worse pain when my biological parents die - the ones who did not raise me.

Of course for you it is as bad, as these are the people who raised you, parents in all but name.

But it isn't a competition anyway.

Regardless of the biological relationship, you lost the people who raised you. I can’t see how that is different to losing a parent.

@TeenToTwenties @AlcoholicAntibiotic thank you I do think it is something I have a sore spot about and I am picking up what others say incorrectly.

People are funny with things like that when you're raised by grandparents

It absolutely is losing a parent. I lost my grandad when I was 12 and my Nana when I was 26. I was heartbroken.

Apparently my father died a couple of years ago - haven't had any dealings with him since I was 3 so felt nothing when informed of his death.

@JustAnotherWhinger I often wonder how I will react when my bio dad dies, he left when I was 3 as well. No contact what so ever until mid 20s. When I meet him twice and then cut contact. So it is close to a decade again. My bio mum is a different kettle of fish all together but still wasn't my mum

I ended up having counselling when I had my first child as that's when the conflict about my biological parents hit me hard.

At that point I feel I grieved the parents I should have had (not that I think I should have had anything special - just not drug addled violent horrors who used the iron as a punishment) and that certainly is partly why their deaths didn't impact me.

When my Grandad died when I was 12 I struggled a bit. I didn't fit with his children as they were full blown adults and I was a kid, but I didn't fit with the other grandchildren either as their relationship was different.
It's a tricky path sometimes.

I have always been much closer of my grandparents than my parents. My grandfather died last year and it was devastating. Some people are just rude about grief. You don’t have to feel how other people feel

If they raised you, then they were your parents really. Of course that would be equally devastating for you to lose them.

It sounds like your reaction to losing your great grandparents was more similar to what most people feel when losing a grandparent.

It has taken having children myself too to see just how crap my parents were. And how much shite that is in no way normal was normalised. I am really sorry you had such horrible punishments. Mine were never so explicit, mostly just manipulation, control, some S.A. (step dad at one point in time) and minor physical (pushing/ grabbing/ screaming in face). I lived with them for 4 years. It certainly had an impact!!

Totally get what you mean though about not being a child and not being a grandchild. Some of my aunts/ uncles are actually very close in age to me. But I was always a bit 'outside' I think you will get what I mean. Most of the other grandchild just don't get it at all. Some of them also spent 1 or 2 of their early years in my GPs house, but their mothers were always there. I was raised by them for 14 years.

Sounds like we are both changing things though for ourselves and our children. I have been in counselling for over a year now

I was far closest to my grandmother than either of my parents. That was because my sibling was, and remained, the golden princess while I was the black sheep. My gran was not a softie and always told it like it was. But she understood me far better than my parents. She died aged 96 and had been frail for some time, so we knew it was coming. I knew that she was prepared to die because she had told me a few weeks before that "if the Lord takes me in my sleep I will be quite content with that." She converted to the Catholic faith in the last decade of her life. She asked my aunt to bring the priest one evening to hear her confession. My aunt said she was greatly at peace afterwards. She died early the next day from a heart attack. I know she foresaw her death and wanted to prepare herself. I did not feel the same grief when my parents died.

Op I had both my parents growing up. My dad worked away/overseas so spent most of the time with my grandparents. I was heartbroken when my nan passed when I was 18 and devastated when I lost my gramps aged 21. They loved you and raised you.... that's a marvelous thing x

OP, you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone… but of course you’re not being unreasonable. I’m shocked and sad for you that people in your life don’t seem to fully ‘get it’. What’s more, you lost them at a young age and you’ve got the difficulties of your circumstances (not being brought up by bio parents) to navigate too.

Over the years when discussing the death of a parent with new friends/ colleagues. I say 'I was raised by my GPs from 6 weeks old, they both died young ish one at 68 when I was 19 and one 70 when I was 25. I understand grieving a parent is so difficult.'

I think the issue here is timing.
When you are speaking to someone in the aftermath of them losing a parent, you don't need to bring up the fact that you were brought up by your Grandparents. In the newly bereaved person's state of mind, they probably just hear "when I lost my Grandparent" , which, for most people, would be the equivalent of when you lost your Great grandparents, which you acknowledge to be sad, but less of a life changing moment than losing the people that brought you up / lived the parent role.

At another, neural, time, then fine, discuss it with who you want, but generally, just let people believe your grandparents were you parents, as that is the role they played in your life.

I agree with pps who said 'It isn't a competition'.

The thing is it's not a contest and nobody needs to justify their feelings of bereavement.

Of course if you were raised by your GPs it will feel the same or virtually the same as losing your parents. I guess some people, in a misplaced way think that if your parents were still alive then at least you still had them.

But that's missing the point entirely that they didn't actually perform the role of parents. So why would they start just because GPs passed away?

Losing anyone who raised you or was very close to you all your life is devastating.

@JustGiveMeReason I would never say it or anything really to a friend who had just lost their parent. I would just support them. It was just something a colleague said recently that put this into my head again. She was talking about her mother who had died I think 9 years ago. And how much she still misses her. I was trying to empathise

Of course. A grandparent who brought you up is so different to one you saw every christmas and 19 is a horrific age to lose one of your primary caregivers. But if the subject has come up when these people are talking about losing their own parents they are probably just, understandably, in their own heads. It's not the right time to expect them to give out empathy to others, or to give any headspace to the exact nature of your relationship to someone they have never met in that moment.

Hopefully you might get a completely different reaction if you brought up the subject of your bereavement in different circumstances, with someone who was there as a listener rather than someone in need of comforting.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it sounds devastating.

As Pp say they raised you so you would have had a parent child bond with them
Its very different to someone who only sees their grandparents on a Sunday afternoon for a few hours every few weeks.