Feeling unlikeable

[NoraNoMates2]

I've struggled to make friends all my life. My social skills were poor in the past, I admit, but I've worked hard to build these up. I'm positive, friendly, chatty (although naturally a bit on the quiet side and was diagnosed ADHD a few years ago). I've learned not to be needy or pushy or let people know I'm lonely as I know that's the kiss of death to friendships. I know lots of people, I make sure I get out and about and have an interesting life. I keep on making connections, smiling, doing all the right things. But I'm always on the perimeter of friendship groups. People seem to like me and enjoy my company, but equally I know they wouldn't really notice if I wasn't there.

I do have 1 very good friend I appreciate very much. I have a couple of old friends who now live in other countries.

This year quite a few people I'm friends/friendly with are having a 'big birthday'. They are having big parties. I'm seeing photos and comments from mutual friends enjoying those parties or talking about being invited. I have not been invited to any of them, and it hurts - there's at least two I would have thought I would definitely have been. One example - I joined a local meetup group a couple of years ago. We go out a couple of times a month. Recently I went out with just one person separate from the group as there was something we both wanted to go to and noone else could make it. They said they'd had a good time, I did too. The group chat is now full of comments about their big birthday party that lots of the group attended - I wasn't invited.

It's a big birthday for me too this year. I've never had a birthday party since I was a little kid. I'd love to have one but I'm scared only a couple of people would come and I can't handle that humiliation. I tried to have a BBQ a few years ago and quite a few people said they'd come but everyone either dropped out last minute or never confirmed. So it didn't happen.

What the fuck is wrong with me? It'as though people like me when I'm right there in front of them but they forget I even exist when I'm not.

I don't even know what I m asking. Maybe do I just give up now trying to make real friends and accept I'm supposed to be a loner?

I appreciate the social interactions I have but I wish I had more than 1 person who actively likes me.

This sounds hard, OP. I’m going to say what I always say to people on MN who have trouble with friendships, which is that it’s not about doing ‘the right things’ to have friends and be in a group and get invited to events.

It’s about being genuinely interested in the individual people you meet, in their lives and personalities, and enjoying their company.

Do you feel a warm, interested, close connection with anyone?

There are plenty of people I have met through groups and done things with and had a perfectly pleasant time, but I don’t go on to build friendships with them because they are so focussed on how they’re coming across that (a) I have no sense of who they really are (b) they are not really present in the interaction (c) they’re not actually interested in me except to collect me as part of some kind of friend quota.

Good post.

And I say what I always say on these threads, OP, that you’re talking about other people like they’re generic and interchangeable, just some sort of faceless mass of people. What are you like as a person? What kind of people do you like? You’re doing that thing where you’re focused entirely on how you’re coming across, rather than thinking ‘Who do I like here? No one wants to make friends with someone who is just inoffensive and perfectly pleasant, they will be looking for people they feel an actual connection with.

I'm not to everyone’s taste — but no one is. That is fine. You’re asking wrong question. Not ‘Why don’t they like me?’ but ‘Who in this gathering, do I like?’

Hi OP. I can relate to much of what you say. Some good advice here I think it is important to be warm and to be interested in other people. Then just leave friendship to develop slowly. And you can’t be friends with anyone at all, there has to be a common interest. that’s why I think so often mum friendships at the school gate don’t last. As you don’t have much in common other than children the same age. So it helps a lot to find an interest and join a group associated with it. Or volunteering in something you enjoy.

I also read that it takes approx 200 hours of time together, before someone considers you an actual friend. At just say 50 hours you are more of an aquaintance. So these things just take time.

also the fact you do have a few friends, just not local to you, is really something to feel grateful for. They must be good friends to have lasted the test of time/distance. Perhaps your current situation you find yourself in is more circumstantial. it most certainly is not unusual.