8 year old just not fitting in with her classmates - what can i do?

[rbmilliner]

I'm writing this as a very socially awkward, introvert person myself who's always suffered from not having many friends or not being included so don't want the same of my girl.
My daughter, 8 years old is an only child so we've always tried to encourage her to make friends which outside of school she seems to have managed to a certain degree and from what I can see is a very kind, likeable girl - never really has major meltdowns, shares is generally polite, doesn't come across as overbearing or to me at least.

I've suspected for a while that she finds maintaining friendships tricky at school but this has become more evident since the start of year 4. She doesn't have a friend she's connected with in class and is always the one left without a partner or sitting quietly at the back not really engaging whilst the others are jumping around doing what kids do. She talks about playing with other kids when there's a game like tag but apart from that it seems she walks around a playtime trying to find someone to play with. She has noticed this.

I've flagged this to the school that I suspected a problem and the response has always been 'we'll keep an eye on it' but nothing more really is ever said.
I mentioned bullying (a group of kids had decided that she was going to be the only 'evil lord' that they tried to catch. When she said she didn't like it and didn't want to play one girl told her she was letting everyone else down) and this generated a meeting.
There was a referal to the art therapist over two months ago. Still waiting for a response about that.

I went on a school trip on Friday and saw how ostracized she was. No one really made any contact with her and she didn't with anyone else. The girl she'd been partnered with had apparently turned her back on her when she tried to talk to her before they'd even left the school gates and the other 2 just talked within the 3 of them. When she tried they just talked over her or ignored her and so she gave up. She occasionally did something silly to get there attention and they looked at her as if she was strange. I asked her why she'd done that and she said when other people do it they think it's funny and people like them.

I've tried countless play dates in the past to point that I just ended up as childcare or the sibling has has to come too just got to much. They were rarely if ever returned. She does do extra curricular activities like wood craft folk ( which she loves) have tried football, ice skating, you name it and generally gets on well with the kids there but everyone is busy so not able to form friends outside the groups.

I basically don't know what else to do to try and help her - does anyone have any advice because I can't work why my lovely girl doesn't have loads of friends

My son had friends up to Y1, then spent most of Y2 feeling miserable. The other boys really got into football and wouldn't let him play because he wasnt 'good enough'. In the end, after requesting friedship groups that never happened- we discussed a change in schools. It was the best thing we did! He started in Y3 and the friends he made then are still his closest friends in Y7!
Outside of school, he plays tennis and goes to Scouts. One of his scouts friends is also a school friend now.
Because he was happier, he settled quickly and definitely made better progress too!

My daughter was very similar. She never had a 'best friend' at primary school, was invited to few parties, was painfully shy, and the first couple of years, she just walked around the playground. I was worried about how she would get on at senior school, but after a difficult start in the first year, she had a small established group of friends, one of whom became her best friend and her confidence soared. She is now at college, still has her core group of friends from senior school, plus other friendships formed at college, so although its worrying and heartbreaking when they are so young, I am sure she will find her tribe later on, as echoed by others who have posted on this thread.

I have a very similar situation with my 8 year old DD and I would be very reluctant to jump to the conclusion of ND.

Having a slightly older DD (11) we know that age 8 and year 4 are tricky! Girls seem to suddenly become tweens and with both we found lots of competition in girl groups to become the leader, the one who gets to include or exclude. You have to fit in and either be the leader or accept instructions (which both of mine struggle with). Both have experienced bullying in class 4 from strong willed girls that mine have refused to take orders from.

My youngest is lovely (although she has her moments and sounds a bit stroppier than your girl). She knows what she wants but she’s not necessarily the leader in a group situation. She’s also been happy to play alone in the past but that’s changing now and being left out is upsetting.

We recently moved to a new area and new schools and she had problems with a girl from day 1 (took her stationary and left her out of group activities). I gently raised it with the school who seem to think this other girl is great (she’s very mature for her age- like a mini teacher telling people off and handing out instructions) but after my DD got very upset and told me she wanted to leave I had a serious chat with the teacher. She was a bit flippant but I stuck to my guns and they’ve now had a word with the girl and have arranged for weekly “craft and chat” activities for them both and a couple of others where they spend some time together once a week at lunchtime building Lego/colouring/making something together and chat about their weeks etc.

They occasionally have a fall out but it does seem to have helped. The other girl seems to be minding the way she speaks to DD now and some of the others have bonded with DD more (the ones that also think this other girl is great is a bit of a pain in the arse).

Could you ask school to do something similar? A regular activity to help build some friendships?

my daughter did not have meltdowns in primary either - infact she was the 'perfect' child. She thrived in primary due to the rules and structure. It was when she got to high school the wheels came off. She could barely speak after a day at school she was so exhausted from masking all day.

The school sound a bit rubbish tbh. What you describe from the school trip is really sad. I'd describe it to them in detail, in writing, and keep regularly pushing on what they are doing to help her integrate socially. I'd consider changing school over this, its horrible to be excluded day in, day out.

In the meantime, encourage the out of school friendships, at least this will help maintain her social skills and self-esteem.

She sounds like my DS1. He isn't gifted at sports and has quite eclectic tastes and enjoys learning. Primary was tough although staff we proactive at dealing with bullying and he had a happy Y6. He tended to be more friendly with the girls in his year and older/younger kids in school wrap around.
We encouraged lunchtime clubs so not alone and out of school clubs like scouts and music.
We deliberately chose a large boys grammar where enjoying learning is the norm and enough others to find boys like him. He's now settled with a group of friends including a smaller group who wait for each other to travel to and from school.
You sadly can't make kids be friends but expectation should be that kids don't get left out either as that is bullying and school needs to nip it in the bus.

So common for teen girls with neuro diversity 😓

Some people just don't. Does it actually bother her or is she happy wandering about alone ( I did).? Is she picking up your anxiety over this?
If you make her think she has to have lots of friends and constantly question her about it of course she's going to think something is wrong.
Make sure she does after school clubs with different things so she meets totally different sets of people. Not just the same people in a different setting.
Or change school.

Yup this is my eldest daughter to a T. She was an absolute dream of a child especially at school when younger, highly intelligent - definitely was socially awkward but nothing you'd be concerned about.

She is 18 now and only just a few weeks ago has been diagnosed with both ADHD and autism.

Autism presents COMPLETELY differently in girls (for example, it is blatantly obvious my 2 year old boy has autism. Eldest DD never showed anything near a single sign that he does).

And as you've described, senior school is where it all started coming crashing down. It was too much for her to try and keep up.

(BTW we have been waiting since 2020 for her neuro assessment. It was becoming obvious back then that there was something up, but the waiting list has only just allowed her to get tested now. As an adult, it took that long!).

OP please do consider getting DD on the waiting list to be tested as it is a very, very long road as I explained above

I used school breaks to put my dd into holiday clubs that tended to attract her actual peers. Sometimes this even meant traveling and staying in a hotel while she attended the activity of the week. thankfully I wfh so I would just work from the hotel room. This didn’t help her form lasting friendships, but it gave her time with children like her. That was invaluable.

once she got to a very large secondary school, there was a big enough peer group to finally find her tribe.

she was ASD. We got her diagnosis when she was 9. It probably would have been later, but she was in an accident and the recovery from that forced her to stop masking at school. It was as just too much to be seriously injured and trying to pretend.