Worried and looking for support

[dublingirlnew]

my sister is 22 days sober. She did a 10day home detox with our supervision. She fell off wagon tonight and drank and also self harmed (superficial wounds to arm)

im now in her house supervising her. My brother was here but had to go. She’s gone upstairs now and I hope will sleep but she hid a bottle of wine when she was drunk and won’t settle. I’m just sitting down stairs and exhausted. I’m afraid to go asleep.

She’s not asleep, can still hear her opening drawers looking for the wine

I don’t know where we go from here. She was doing great. She has three young kids (all safe with her husband in Uk)

Does she have professional support? My sister is an alcoholic and self harms and I have been where you are tonight many, many times. Family can only do so much as we have limited emotional reserves because it's so unbelievably hard seeing someone go through this over and over again. Do you have support too?

I do. We are all mucking in but feel alone right now, wish someone else was here with me. We are doing it for the kids too. She had been doing great and only thought tonight how well she seems. I’m scared to check on her before I go to bed as afraid of what I’ll find. She has settled and listens at door there and she her her turning over in bed but I’m afraid I’ll wake her if I go in but also don’t want to go to bed until she’s defo asleep

Sorry to hear your sister also going through this. It’s a horrible disease

This is her first time sobar

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, she is 4 weeks away from kids and is supposed to be going home Tuesday. She is linked with alcohol support in Uk and attending AA meetings here but no counsellor she won’t agree to it

I totally understand how you feel, it's so lonely trying to help someone who starts off with the best motivations and then the fall comes and they almost change into another person. With my sister it's like Jekyll and Hyde, there is honestly no other way to describe it. There is no point trying to get her to go to a counsellor if she won't engage it will be a waste of time and money for everyone. But AA is a good mechanism if she fully commits and gets a good sponsor. But what's so important for you right now is two things - this is what has kept me sane too (!):

1. Today is today and you're dealing what is in front of you, but tomorrow is a different day, different choices can be made and the way she is tonight is not how she will be tomorrow. She'll likely be ashamed, she might even be a bit bolshy, but when the alcohol wears off then that's when you can talk to her properly, because tonight is a write off and she needs to sleep.
2. How you feel is completely valid - it's a horrible, hard place to be in. And while it's important and she is family, your own sanity matters too, and you can't let her behaviour define how you live your life. It's great to be there for her and to try and help her through the darkest days - but we all need a break, we all need to feel normal. What have you got planned to regain some of your own sense of normality and peace? You need it.

I'm not sure home detoxes are massively effective, but I also know it can be hard to get afford - or afford support - is there the option for rehab provision somewhere? They are the professionals, you can let them take the strain.

She is asleep. Just checked there, she has the money for rehab (she was gifted 10k by someone) but she is refusing point blank to do it.

That’s all really good advice thank you.

Anytime, I am sending so much love from Wales across the Irish Sea. I have been where you are so many times. It's highly frustrating that she won't go to rehab and that she can't see that actually it's not just about her, it's also about her regaining her health for her own sake but also so that she can be a great mum, wife, sister, daughter, etc. Let's see how things look in the morning, you're doing everything you can, and you need to make sure you take care of you too. If you ever need moral support do drop me a line through the messaging system - I'm more than happy to listen, sympathise and offer moral support.

PS. Your username made me smile - my best mate is from Ballymun.

OP, there's so much support available for the person getting sober... have you got some support? It's very hard work. Sending lots of love 🌺

In the alcohol section here there is a long running series of threads called support for those affected by someone else’s drinking (or something like that). There is a huge amount of knowledge and experience on there from people who are living it (because it never goes away - even when it is over in one way or another). Many with similar experiences to you. Have been in a similar situation myself and eventually the person did want to recover - and we are seeing changes now. But like I said it still doesn’t really go away

It’s a very supportive thread.

The reality is only your sister can do this unfortunately. Rehab is pointless until she wants it. There’s AA or Smart Recovery if she wants it. There are a lot of local alcohol services as well usually - but there needs to be a willingness to engage.

For families there is is also Al Anon or Smart Recovery Family and Friends. I prefer the Smart approach personally - there are online and in person meetings.

Hope I don’t sound too curt - just dashing out.

As a bit of a positive - we had multiple life threatening relapses and eventually the person did have enough and has made a lot of progress since the last one. xx

OP here. Wow just read through this old post from feb and would not have believed where we would be now if someone had told me. DS is in the depths of addiction (what we once thought was just alcohol, but actually major coke addiction too). When I posted in feb we had just completed a home detox and she relapsed the final night at home before travelling back to her kids.

we thought she had a few weeks sober but actually know now she went straight back on the drink with her husband. They both lied to us until it all got too much again. Chaos ensues when DS drinks. Police, ambulances are now the norm when she relapses. Social workers involved but somehow whenever they come to see her after we have reported another relapse or the hospital report, they always lower it to low level support (not sure of the actual term).

we had 6 weeks of chaos where husband kicked her out. She was living in hotel room then in homeless accommodation. She didn’t see kids for 6-8 weeks as she couldn’t stay sober enough to have a call with them even. DS and husbands DS were minding kids while husband worked. They are all in Uk.

anyway lots happened, she is not the person we knew, completly volitile and malicious. Actively put to hurt people, setting up WhatsApp groups and ruining peoples lives with false info etc. Told us all husband had been drinking and doing coke with her throughout all this but he was denying this. I believe her though. He’s a liar. So much has happened I can’t even go through it all.

she completed 4 weeks in rehab plus was living in a dry house but was kicked out for drinking in front of the other recovering alcoholics. The husband then took her back, she cut all family out and cut off the two aunties that had been supporting the kids.
husband back drinking in front of her straight away

fast forward to this weekend, her kids reached out to family on the sly and asked for help. Husband originally told child to to tell anyone mum was drinking again but allowed family to come collect them. Opened up that mum was horrible to them, house is chaos. Mum ended up in A&E again and husband said the usual that he’s done, changed locks, kids were dropped back next day but once she was discharged, husband let her back and she has cut off all family again. Social workers informed by us after each relapse and informed of every detail yet they don’t seem to be doing anything…
we’re not sure where to go from here. There was some really dark things disclosed this time which we have told them. Don’t want to be too outing but involves inappropriate behaviour in front of kids and also all aware of her self harm scars. As husband is seen as ‘safe’ they just keep bringing the case to low level. No drug testing. We are all sick with worry. The kids do have phones and do keep in contact but DS wont let anyone see them. I do think they will reach out. It’s really taken its tole on the family.