How do you cope when an adult 'child' is unhappy?

[thatsmyhouse]

I have had a distressing phone call with dd who is at Cambridge. Technically an adult but only 18. She has always been highly ambitious and thrived on pressure but given to explosions, which I have always absorbed. She was so happy at Christmas and loving it and looking forward to going back. This term doesn't seem to be going as well - but I don't know if it's actually going badly or just her being a perfectionist. She is desperate to get a first and is saying she definitely won't now, it's a waste of her time etc etc. She hates the unit she is doing.

I've heard this sort of talk from her so many times, especially in Y10 but also a bit in Y13 towards the end. Always unfounded - that essay was a disaster, but a week later she gets it back and has dropped one mark. But who knows if this is the same. Obviously I don't care as such whether she gets a first or not as long as she is happy, but her happiness seems to depend on this, which cannot be healthy. I don't know if I've caused this somehow.

It's so hard when it's on a phone and we eventually have to hang up and it's not resolved and she's hours away. Is it like this forever? I don't know what to do and being single makes it worse as there's no one to share it with.

I think the first year usually has less weighting than the other years so I am sure it’s still totally possible to get a 1st. Encourage her to things through with her tutor.

I doubt you caused it, so please try not to put it on yourself!

If she was happy at Christmas, then 4 weeks is unlikely to have changed that. She may not like the unit, but that’s all it is- a unit.

Was she just sounding off? It’s hard when you aren’t there to ‘fix it’, but it’s part of the transition into adulthood. For both of you.

when I was her age, I unloaded all the worst bits to my mum on the phone. Still do 😂she’s my safe space. The person I can tell anything to. She normally hears the worst bits because it helps me say it aloud to someone I love.

Hope you both feel better soon.

She will have college 'parents' and there will also be further sources of support, friends,supervisors, persobal tutors, a college nurse, student helplines. She needs to be talking to at least some of these people - and then coming back to you, to let you know how the conversations went. Academically forward children can also be quite daft in other respects. How she will tackle her perfectionism in the longer term is unclear. But it's not a new problem in this setting, and people there will help once she starts to seek support.

Depends on the course but in many the first year doesn’t count towards the final grade at all, students just have to pass to continue into the second year. Oxbridge study is intense and often an absolute hot house. Hope this means she is venting, thank heavens she has you.