Has anyone got experience of going to family court for child arrangements where DA/emotional abuse has been involved?

[randomusername777777]

And what happened in terms of what was decided for the other parent to have custody if you don’t mind sharing? Currently at the start of this process and really scared there will be no ‘proof’ of what I experienced other than my word. I reported to the police and social care at the time we separated, but now months on it is looking like a lengthy legal battle ahead. I just want to keep my child safe. We separated when child was a baby and they are now a toddler and have had limited/no recent contact with ex. The type of DA I experienced was mainly coercive control but also emotional and psychological, being intimidated, monitored, and there were signs of escalation towards physical like towering over me, hitting objects next to me and the baby, threats and ‘jokes’ about suffocating me. Lots of this was in the presence of my child, a baby at the time. This was all reported as I say so there is a formal record but was NFAd by police as not enough evidence. He is now wanting 50/50 in the longer run despite showing no interest in any child caring related tasks when we were together and often leaving the house and leaving me to deal with all the hard stuff on my own.

I have got a solicitor and loosely know what will happen court wise, I know it will depend on so many variables including evidence but I really don’t know what will happen in the long term and I’m really frightened at the idea of my child ever having to experience what I have. I just wondered if anyone has had to experience this awful process how long I can expect it to take, what happened in terms of outcomes with you, and anything I can do to protect my child’s wellbeing and my wellbeing along the way.

Bump

I do but there was also physical harm to the children and a whole lot of professional involvement, so an absolute stack of evidence against him.

i was told it would take 18-24 months but i live in a pathfinder area and from his initial application was made in March, it was all concluded by December (if he hadn’t conceded our final hearing was set for January so would have been quick regardless).

try not to let his bullshit get in your head- run your own race so to speak. Focus on your child. Centre their views and their needs. Let them have a voice even when it’s painful and you don’t agree. Don’t speak badly about the other party in front of your child, ever. Encourage them to speak openly with professionals. Engage with DV organisations and seek support this way eg direct work for your child, freedom programme for you etc. make sure your child’s school or educational setting is offering all the support they can.

Yes, I had a criminal conviction against him though. PP is correct - you need to frame everything in terms of what is best for your child. And that would include having a relationship with their father in most circumstances. However if he has not bothered much up until now then you can say a slow steady build up of time together is in the child’s best interests. And he may well not step up at that point. I would start making it clear what 50/50 will involve - eg both take off the same amount of time from work if the child is sick, split taking care of medical / dentist appts etc etc so that he gets to understand 50/50 is not just a way out of paying CM but will seriously change his life. Perhaps start offering him some of those things before it goes to court - then if he fails to step up that is evidence.

I had - and do - have similar worries about the affect my ex could have on DD. He can be a very scary, dominating man. I tried play therapy - got that in the court order, but he talked about it so negatively to DD she did not engage at age 5 or 6. But it could be worth asking for that. He also had to undergo an anger management course. Again, he spoke about that so scathingly at the time i thought it was wasted. However roll forward and she is now 14. And she called me up saying daddy was shouting at her and could i pick her up. I did. And he basicly was terrified that she would refuse to ever go back to him. Because she had learned how to put up a clear boundary with him - something I never managed. So I think that is what you should focus on - teach your child that no one should make them feel scared or intimidated and that they should hold to their boundaries. And that you will always be there to help enforce those boundaries. In fact she has gone back to spending time with him, and he has spoken about how he knows he has to walk away if he feels himself getting agitated.

Thank you all so far

The court could go down the route of a fact finding hearing to decide about the domestic abuse allegations. Whilst this wouldn't mean he'd face criminal charges it could have an outcome, on the balance of probability that there was DA. This would then help the courts decision re safety.
Also the court might request a section 7 report be undertaken by CAFCASS due to the concerns raised and the outcome of fact finding would tie into this. I've come from the perspective youre in England and not in a pathfinder area as things are done a little differently then.

Yes England, sorry should’ve said. Thank you. How long does all this take?

Well, it should be done within a 26 week timeframe but it could run quicker or a lot longer. It really depends on how many matters are contested and if there is fact finding that may add time. If a s7 is ordered then I think, but don't quote me, CAFCASS say 16 weeks to do that. That should be within the 26 weeks timeframe.
Ideally no one wants delay though as it's in no one's interests

They will first determine if harm occurred and then will consider whether or not to order a s7. My s7 had a 12 week timetable.

As there's DA allegations, CAFCASS are unlikely to do the S7 without a fact finding hearing as they'll say the risk (or not) of DA is integral to their report.
It's a complicated process OP .

i was just clarifying the order. That if a ffh is needed, that will happen first. Then if a s7 is required, it will take place next. The cafcass officer/social worker doing the s7 needs clarity from court about whether harm is established before a s7 can be carried out as if it has they will need to apply pd12j

Yes I do, sadly.

My big lesson was around pack of proof / evidence (which is your big big issue), and then if the father is so inclined, him working out that he can make up any old shit about you without evidence and some of that sticks too.

We also have a system that wants both parents consistently involved, even if they’re alcoholics etc

His lack of involvement to date will mean that no court in its right mind would order such a little child to have immediate 50-50 contact, but they will promote something that moves towards that.

What will be really important in all of this is that at no point you turn this into being about you and mud sling from the past. It’s all about the child’s needs and risks to the child. And he demonstrated an inability to manage his emotions around the baby.

So all your documentation must talk about you wanting to promote an environment where the child has contact with their father, and in time if appropriate it could go to 50-50.

However, in the short term and medium term, you would only propose supervised limited contact with changes based on that relationship proving healthy and safe. Him only being able to see her initially in a supervised setting may be enough to put him off

I can’t warn you enough that you should record all interactions, diarise everything, so that if needed you have a contemporaneous account of any problems. Social services hate nothing more than inconsistency too - so record when he’s a no show etc

He may end up a good father. We can but hope as the system will allow him to try

As others have said this is a long process and he is way off getting contact

Unfortunately, unless he has shown concerning behaviour to/in front of your child and this can be evidenced, then he is likely to get overnights. It may not be immediately because of dc age but the courts won't see a problem with it even if he abused you.

What you can do is...

Look for any...Any evidence of his DV. Threats to remove child, controlling behaviour, financially control etc, verble abuse etc. anything that shows how unpleasant he is. Texts, email, voice note etc. keep them somewhere safe.

If they are significant enough it might help your case but they may just help keep him away from YOU rather then your child which is also important.

You can use it to evidence why you should not be interacting with him which makes other suggestions easier. If you (,ideally your lawyer) thinks there is enough to reduce his contact then go for that. If the evidence isn't there then you may weaken your case by trying to stop him seeing DC.

As pp says, present everything as 'best for our child'. You 'have concerns' about his lack of experience with her/lack of commitment to seeing dc or that he is using contact to continue his abuse of you etc etc (or whatever is relevant to you).

Use this to push a) for supervised contact for a short period. B) a slow increase to eventual overnights by age x. C) use of a parenting app as only point of contact so he can't control you without it being recorded. D) exchange happening without meeting him e.g. at a relatives house or nursery.

You need to seem incredibly reasonable, let him seem like the irrational one doing things HE wants without considering your child. Is he paying CM?

2 years on and no FF yet. But only letterbox contact. Awaiting outcome of CPS as to whether to charge and on what counts, which should be shortly. Just be aware the ex will throw all sorts of allegations at you and may have emails, recordings, friends ready to witness how great a parent they are but you will have nothing because you've never stooped so low as to record and never confided in family and friends either because of shame or being private. Stay strong.

Thank you. 2 years?!? Was there nothing physical, if you don’t mind me asking?

Hi op, he sounds very similar to my ex, we broke up just before baby was born.
my advice to you, if you can stand it, is to try and resolve this via mediation, do online shuttle mediation or stick a post it over his face so you don’t have to look at him. You do NOT want to risk family court giving 5050 which they may do, depending which judge you get. It’s unrelated to think he won’t get unsupervised contact. My other strong advice is to never say ‘no’ to 5050, just say that’s a big jump to do immediately, let’s increase at a child led pace gradually (this has been my tactic). Have a plan to gradually increase up frol contact he has now, a couple of hours in the community to full days in his home (if set up as baby safe) including nap times and then once baby is happy with this then an overnight. Every Wednesday teatime and every other weekend is reasonable to aim for stopping at (but don’t tell him that you plan to stop there yet).
is he seeing child at all now? A mediator will help you make a stepped plan and will help you to tell him some child centred principles like show up when you say you will and get stuff that baby needs at home.

just to reassure you, my ex was awful when he was a baby (see my post ‘ex DP burnt my baby!’) but is decent and more reliable with him now and my son likes playing with him and going to overnights. I was really worried he would be angry and shout at my son but I don’t think this is the case as my son is happy to go to him. I think building it up slowly was very helpful (even though this slow pace angered my ex hugely).
good luck xxx

Ps I think you should offer some contact now in contact centre. Either - he won’t take it up or will be inconsistent which is great evidence for you, or he will do it consistently which will give you confidence that he might be able to stick to his word now, reassure you that they have seen he can be a competent care giver and also will mean it’s less scary for your baby when they are court ordered eventually to spend time with him. He’ll also have parenting advice from the staff there. Family hub stay and play sessions are also helpful for semi supervised safe community settings - my sons dad got advice from the staff there when I encouraged them to attend together (he never read the baby books etc so it was quite good for when he liked to try and fact check things I told him
to do and they agreed with me!)

Mediation is not advised where there is DV

Yes he did try but I declined due to DA.

Anyone else?