how can i support this friend?

[apeaceful2026]

Just been told by them through a copy and paste text, that their other half is in ICU following a horrific sudden medical emergency. They have young children. The older one is my child's closest friend.
I've text to ask if they're okay and if the kids are okay and do they need any help, but can imagine they're too overwhelmed to engage with everyone. Their own family live on the other end of the country and I don't think they find it easy to communicate with the partner's family.

We don't live local so I can't do school runs or anything, but we were seeing them about once a month. I'm also a single parent and my child has SEN, but I still want to be supportive somehow.

I'm worried they're going to end up a lone carer to their partner and children, as there's currently long term damage. I don't want to out the condition or anything.

Such a lovely family and so gentle, caring, outgoing and stable. I'm in shock.

Just to clarify, when I say copy and paste. They themselves copy and pasted it, to everyone they know.

It’s difficult to comment how you can support them without knowing all circumstances but the most obvious help is to look after children/ child e.g they stay at yours after school/ before school or for a few hours in the evening or weekend. In some cases it might be a listening ear.
Also her situation might change quickly so something helpful
today might be irrelevant next week.
I would think what you can offer realistically considering your circumstances and then listen what she is saying and offer help if there is overlap.

Thank you. I'd be happy to have the kids but because of my daughter's SEN it might be traumatic for them in an already traumatic time, as she has meltdowns around one of them. However, I would still have them, if she was okay with that.

Maybe I can start a go fund me, if there isn't one already, and she wants me to. The hospital is a couple of hours away, expensive to get to, and they're a two wage family.

It’s exactly what I was saying: if your DD struggles with other kids present do not offer to have them. Offer what is realistic for you and what’s needed for your friend.
Think before offering.

I totally understand the feeling of wanting to do something, but in the nicest possible way, I think that's about you right now, not her.

This is someone you see once a month, and aren't in a position to offer any practical help.

All you can really do is message every few days, making it clear there's no expectation of a reply.

She will have friends closer by who can do all the practical things and some family will probably come down as well.

Don't offer to start a gofundme either, that's something for her to decide, or someone closer to her to do.

If you're keeping in contact she may will update you on any struggles she is having and you may be in a place to help then.

And yes to everything @TheInkIsBlackThePageIsWhite said.

Do not start a good fund me! That's inappropriate at this point and you should ask her first. I would be horrified if a friend did that. I would check in on her every so often. Offer to have her children. Ask if she needs any washing done, although that's a bit personal too, I suppose.

from what you have written I would make an educated guess that this is someone who has had a severe head injury and will possibly die or may not recover full function.

This happened to a friend's spouse many years ago and was pretty horrific all round. With the benefit of hindsight, if I'm right or even close to the situation, I would say

there is absolutely nothing you can do from miles away if you aren't local.

this is overwhelming for the family and it will be about getting to the hospital and being there all day every day. if you were local you could offer practical help of sitting with children so you can't. you will not begin to understand what they are going through or having to cope with as it is so far away from most peoples experience. This means it is very difficult to empathise or say the right thing.

This differs from grief where a regular 'I'm thinking about you' type text can mean the world because they are in the absolute eye of the storm and dealing with it day by day. Sporadic texts (definitely not daily) that make clear no reply is needed is a good thing provided its not intrusive.

If this is life critical, you may want to find out whether visitors would be welcome. In some cases, if it is end of life, good friends may be invited to say goodbye as it were but if that is you, you would expect to be invited. I warn you this can be very distressing to see. Short term if they are in a coma, some people welcome friends to sit and chat to the person as there is some theory that they may still be able to hear. Again you will be told if this is welcome.

If it's not life critical, you need to wait until the prognosis is known and settles which will be months, years even. THEN the surviving spouse will need masses of help navigating grief, self blame possibly depending on what happened, litigation possibly, managing the children through their grief at the earthquake that has just happened.

Do not start a go fund me as this could be hugely intrusive and distressing.

I am sorry your friend and her husband are going through this and wish them the best. It's likely their family will decamp to help because these situations are some of the worst things anyone can experience.

I'm sure there are people closer to them who can offer practical help and as you've said, you can't really.

You've answered the text, so just leave it at that and hopefully you may get an update in a few days.

Do not start crowdfunding as a lot of people would be mortified by that.

And what would you even say in the crowdfunding blurb anyway?