Ex taking me to court over child contact (DA involved)

[courtcourtcourt]

Hi,

Hoping here is the right place to post! My ex is taking me to court over child contact with our toddler who was a baby when we separated. We split for a few reasons, his affair and continued DA towards me which escalated in pregnancy- mainly emotional and psychological (coercive control, general gaslighting and cruelty) but there were indicators it would’ve escalated physically (hitting his own head when angry, hitting objects near to me, making odd jokes like getting a pillow for over my face or let’s get the mallet for baby crying). In a nutshell, controlling in nature, quite narcissistic and seems to have an issue towards women. I reported all this to the police/health visitor when we left and made several statements. I believe he’s not aware of this.

He wants 50/50 apparently. He has seen DC a handful of times since we separated, has been inconsistently interested, in any contact he has had he would regularly zone out to the point where DC tripped and fell and he didn’t notice. He took weeks of reminders to pay anything towards DC after we separated even though he knew I was on unpaid mat leave and didn’t bother with Christmas gifts for DC. I have said there isn’t an issue with supervised contact with DC however I can no longer be the supervisor after facilitating it for a while and feeling increasingly uncomfortable and intimidated around him.

He has applied to court now for contact and is saying he wants 50/50. He was mostly disinterested in the short time we were together in DC’s first year. The longest he ever looked after them on their own was several hours. I did all the nights, all the weaning, trips, baby classes, bought all the clothes, did all of the work, carried all the mental load, you get the gist.

He will stop at nothing to control me. He doesn’t have many (any, as far as I know) savings and likes his free time and work, would always be out the house and never wanted to take time off for anything. I am not sure how this will translate to sticking out a court process.

I am worried sick for my tiny (under 2) DC who is securely attached to me- and grandparents. The thought of him getting unsupervised access frightens me, he is unpredictable in nature, never took parenting seriously when we were together and in my view emotionally unsafe as a minimum. It just feels like a bad dream.

Has anyone been in any sort of similar situation and can advise? Sorry it’s rushed.

Do you think he really does want 50/50 or has he been asked for child maintenance and he knows if it's 50/50 he will not have to pay anything? As if that is the case then you may be able to negotiate with him - ie agree he has DC much less but you won't claim CM. Well, that's if you can afford that. Because otherwise I would have thought there is every chance the court could agree to 50/50. Although again, lots of negotiation can take place whilst at court. For example, as he has not yet built up any relationship, any increase in time would have to be slow. And he may well get bored during that .... My partner was found guilty of assaulting me but now has 50/50. I insisted on anger management classes, drug testing for two years, communication through an app (so coercion less possible) etc. My DC has benefitted from a relationship with her father even though he was awful to me. I would think about what you could ask for to make this a better situation for you and DC, but bear in mind a relationship with the father will likely be considered important. But you know him better and if he really wants this or just to control you - if you say yes 50/50 sounds great will he back off at the speed of light?! I would get a free half hour with a family law solicitor to hear what they advise.

Can you apply for a non mol against him? Due to the DA. I’d start with that.

Youll likely be able to explain the above to Cafcass. About him barely seeing your child etc which will help with him not being awarded 50/50. The rules are now changing when domestic violence is in the picture. Do you have diaries or notes of all of this stuff?

You need to push for supervised contact only. Can you go through CMS for child support?

Also if your child doesn’t have a passport apply for one now.

It's scary, so many stories here of abused women whose ex-partners get 50:50 custody in spite of everything.

Thank you everyone who’s taken the time to reply. I could do a non mol but the house is still selling rn so I’d be worried of blocking all contact?

Ask for all contact to be via email and/or a parenting app so you have a record then block his number. Don't facilitate him at all - and go for the non mol, it will help long term. Do you have a diary or timeline of the little contact he has had? Document everything. Once the house is sold don't give him an address and see if contact is granted it can be either at a contact centre or supervised by someone other than you. I am so sorry OP. Some men are just shit.

Point out to him that any childcare during his time will need to be paid by him and if your DC is ill during his contact time HE will be the one to take time off work to care for them - and then see him change his mind

Its really important to go for one. Contact can be done via a third party or solicitor etc