8.55am and I've been a bad mum already - a record for me

[Badmumtoday]

Dd (8) is autistic, probably ADHD, I have another child with severe medical needs, and another who is autistic but absolutely loves school.

8yo has taken 2 hours of coaxing, fighting, telling me she hates me, refusing to eat... you name it, she's tried it, every single day this term to get into school.

I just couldn't do it this morning, I'm absolutely broken, so I've let her have the day off today and she's a different kid, currently voluntarily tidying her room while I sit in peace for a cuppa and is promising she will go in nicely tomorrow.

I know what they are doing in school so we will do some work later on, but, for now I'm guiltily enjoying my cuppa and some silence before I get dd up and do her physio.

Tomorrow will likely be a nightmare again, but a morning off will give me the strength to get through, I hope.

I can’t and won’t judge you for your parenting. And anyone who does should perhaps try some empathy and reflection. I have no idea how stressful your situation must be.
enjoy your hot drink, try to build other little breaks in later and every day.

Deep breath and enjoy your cuppa.

We all hit a wall, as a mum myself to an ASD child the wall we hit is harder.
sometimes we just have to give them that day.

Don’t worry about it! My ds10 is autistic with type one diabetes. Some times he refuses to go, I just ring the school and make up a white lie that his diabetes is playing up and let him have it off.
school is so full on, especially nowadays they’re allowed the occasional mental health day. i also do it with ds14 who goes to a sen school, he has one or two days off a year and we go do something just me & him.
Your a good mam for putting her needs first ❤️

Lightweight. I’ve been a bad mum before 6am more times than I can count. You need to put in more work if you are only getting there by 8.55. 😉

In all seriousness, you sound like an incredible mum doing a difficult job in impossible circumstances. It sounds like all three of your children have significant additional needs. This may be the wrong question but what support are you getting? Are the school helping at all?

No you are giving you both a break! I appreciate she may try it on more now she has won the battle once but maybe schedule off days once a month or fortnight with her so she won't fight so much. What she will gain in terms of well being and regulation needs to be offset against what she will learn at school.

Doesn't sound like "bad parenting" to me, sounds more like responding to your child's needs. We all need a reset occasionally.

You’re not a bad Mum. You’ve been ground down and you’re giving her what she needs today

I think its really sad that you consider yourself a 'bad mum'. Please give yourself a break. We all do our best and it sounds like you have it tougher than many. If one day off for you both is giving you a little bit of a rest and chance to rebuild your strength to fight the rest of the weekly battles, then do it without guilt. It was probably the right call for you both. Enjoy today, a little bit of time when you can just be together without the extra stress. I hope she goes in okay tomorrow

That's exactly why we took our 7 yr old out of school and now we have had a happy child now 8 again

The school are not meeting her needs. Does she have an ehcp? If f not get the ball rolling on that.

Another parent here with audhd children. I agree if it’s taken you until 8.55 to be a bad parent, that’s some serious slacking. Step up and start failing much earlier 😘

My son was in year 9, finally had an ehcp but current setting was unsuitable, was on a part time timetable until one day I just broke, phoned the school and said we’d had enough, he wouldn’t be coming in anymore. They understood completely (but I wouldn’t have cared if they didn’t)

im sure youre an amazing mum, but nobody can be amazing every day, we all need a break.
even superman had a day job to get a break!

you know she will kick off worse tomorrow. such a shame shes not enjoying school. if you could only find out whats so bad about school and see if it could be changed maybe it would help, but im sure youve already tried to get to the bottom of it all already. maybe niw shes off it’s an opportunity to discuss it again. I allowed you off school so i expect somethimg in return. whats bad about school.

Does she need to be in school - could she be home educated, at least temporarily?

You know deep down your not a bad mum at all. I'm a bad mum according to my daughter numerous times a day and everything is my fault.

I wasn't a bad mum this morning as I've let her have the day off today too. My dd10 is diagnosed adhd and dyslexic and has been begging for a day off for about a week, she generally likes school but pressure of 11+ ( at school not home) and the hard winter term I think means they do need time off every so often to recharge and reset.

I also know what the morning battle is like some days and to be honest I just couldn't face it today either, it's also harder when you have another that wants to arrive on time so you can't even just think we'll do it in our own time and arrive half an hour late as I can't do a double school run.

Don't worry about it and I'm sure a day off will make the run into half term a little bit easier all round. X

Where's the bit where you've been a bad mum?
I hope you both have a good day, it sounds like you need it.

Sounds like you've listened to your child's needs and accepted that this option may actually improve things! Don't beat yourself up. You're doing the best for you family and realistically everyone needs a day sometimes, just as adults usually we plan them and book them off. Little people don't get that chance with school so I think you've done the right thing. There's always a reason behind behaviours and school reluctance/refusal is for a reason (even if it makes little sense to other people). Good for you for not just going with the flow and allowing you both space today. Enjoy your day together ❤️

I read the title and thought wow, that's amazing, I am a bad Mum way before 8.55 most mornings!

Reading your update, you sound like a fantastic Mum! I'd maybe have a chat later to discuss DDs worries and try and make a plan of anything tht could help DD go into school. And talk to the school about the reluctance and what they can do to help you both.

School is torture for some children, a joy for others. Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole day in day out and watch your child's distress must be agony.

School needs to be adapted to her needs in some way - you can't put her through this every day.

So I would say: "It's 8.55 and you have been a good Mum." Now take the next step and speak with school and tell them you cannot do this to your child every day.

There is a massive difference between a child who simply can't be arsed to go to school one day (I am sure we all feel like that about work at times) and a child who is made miserable by this daily torture.

I'm not usually in bed until about 3 or 4 due to the medical needs of my other child , so that's when I reset my bad mum clock. I thought an hour and a half after getting up was not bad going, but clearly I need to up my game a bit.

The school refusal has been a relatively new thing over the last few months, I'm in Scotland so we don't have EHCPs here we have coordinated support plans, which are similar I think, dd has one, but her needs are changing so the school and I are going to sort an appointment and get the ball rolling on that for her.

I'm a single parent, their dad said life was too hard with 3 disabled kids so off he fucked, never to be seen again. Absolute charmer of a man.

What I think the problem is with dd is that she is so advanced at English, as in she is more than capable of doing work for 15/16 years olds very easily, that makes her struggle more with being where she should be with everything else. She keeps screaming that she's behind on maths, but she isn't, she's exactly at the right place for her age, but because she isn't leaps and bounds ahead she thinks she's behind.

She struggles with friendships, she struggles with the uniform, so she doesn't wear one, I just got her comfy cloths in school colours, she struggles with sound so she has noise cancelling headphones, there's a lot going on and it's a sensory nightmare for her. I really feel for her and try my hardest, but sometimes it's frustrating for me too.

My dd who has the physical disability (just in case anyone is questioning why I had more kids, I didn't realise my younger 2 dds were autistic and dd didn't become disabled until she was 10 and they were born anyway, I know nobody on the thread so far will judge, but I see it all over MN "why did you have more when you have a disabled child") is on a part time table at the moment and lots of appointments and treatments in between times, so life is hectic for us all.

I'm trying, I'm fighting, and I will continue to fight for my dcs, I just needed a break today. 8yo has just written me a letter about how much she loves me, with the caviat that she doesnt love the way I cook pizza 🤣, and is singing away to kpop demon hunters right now.

It's nice to just have a minute to breathe.

You’re not a bad mother at all.

I have an autistic child and have found that sometimes he gets overwhelmed and needs time to himself. This can sometimes mean staying home from school.

I have done this with DD12 (so she is secondary school). She is awaiting an assessment for autism. I told the school there was no way I can get her into school as we'd had an awful night and just as bad morning.. they didn't reply to my email but they authorised the absence.

Everyone needs a mental health day every once in a while, it doesn't make you a bad parent.

Have you seen this ? I think she sums it up perfectly. You dont sound like a bad mum at all .

Sen mum here sending solidarity 💜 Decided not to do the school thing anymore but I have caved many a time from the plans we made for that day. They're just so happy at home aren't they? It's hard because the world isn't built for us to stay in all day.

To be honest, reading your update, it sounds like you made a good decision. Try to enjoy your day.

I'm a mum (who may be autistic), I have a 6yo son with Down syndrome, 6yo daughter with Dyslexia, and 7yo daughter with Autism/ADHD. My kids' school is calling me every day about something my daughter did or my son needs. I've found that the school will be much more accepting if my son stays home than my autistic daughter does. Unfortunately, my son loves school, and both my daughters hate school. So on occasion if my daughters are melting down, and my 7yo Daughter especially physically unable to function due to the pressure of going to school. I've found I sometime jest need to say F*uch it, and go hooky with my girls. Afterwards, I've found my 7yo daughter can sometimes go a week (maybe two) without me getting any negative phone calls home. I also found adding sensory objects to her uniform (pop-its in the hem!) can motivate her to get ready for school.

My ex-Husband was also a wonderful man. Within months of the Down Syndrome diagnosis, he had moved to the other side of the country and was having a baby with another woman. He still calls his daughters once or twice a year (nothing in-person - too 'complicated'). My AuDHD 7yo can't be bothered to stay on the phone with a stranger for more than five minutes so only my 6yo daughter and 8yo son have really ever had a conversation with him. I completely understand the whole thing about 'why did you have another kid if your kids are disabled'. My Answer = My oldest is 'perfect', didn't know about the rest until recently, and it's the youngest who had Downs Syndrome.