If you are good with people, how do you do it?

[Tresyl]

I work in a very chatty / banter type of office. It's all light hearted and people talk across desks to each other. They are a nice bunch.

I am amazed how they do it, how naturally conversations flow, how people chip in and join the conversation.

I really really struggle with this. I try to talk but I can't seem to do this. Its like I talk and it doesn't come out natural, it's all a bit staggered when words come out of my mouth. Half the time they can't even hear me.

I have social anxiety, trauma from childhood, I learnt to stay quiet and unseen. which I know has moulded me into this quiet, shy socially awkward person. But I really want to be able to join in the conversation. My mind literally goes blank. If I talk to someone senior, I freeze up and hate it.

Theres a job coming up, I'm the most junior by a way off and id love to have that job but I won't even apply as I will humiliate myself at the interview.

People keep telling me social skills are a skill that anyone can practice but I've had this problem since childhood and I've had plenty of practice but I don't get anywhere. I'm probably doing it all wrong!

I don't know what to do. Have you got any tips for me?

There is so much training for this on YouTube etc. It is natural for some people but you can learn engagement techniques. Watch some videos, ted talks and podcasts.

The office is not a good place to practice.

if you are anxious about it you need a place to practice where there are literally no consequences. There are clubs for people to learn this - try speakers clubs.

@Yoheresthestory yes I've read a lot of books on how to talk to ppl, how to be charismatic, how to be confident, you name it. Granted I did this when I was younger but none of it really helped me. It ended up making me feel really bad about myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me ( still do) and I'm unfixable. It was a source of immense self hatred and looking back I feel sorry for the young me.

As I've got older, I haven't tried to "fix" myself and I'm content in my little life. But every now and again something pops up, like this job which smacks me right in the face as a reminder how the way I am has held me back so much.

Oh god, I think a speakers club is too extreme and I don't think I could do that.

My issue is freezing up. My mind is completely blank. It's like an automatic process that my brain has no control over.

‘I have social anxiety, trauma from childhood, I learnt to stay quiet and unseen.’

Seek help for your anxiety and trauma. It has coloured your whole life and you deserve better. It will help you relax more in company and hopefully make you feel better about yourself.

I am not a natural, but the thing I have learned over the years is that people absolutely love talking about themselves, even the shy ones if you can find out their particular point of interest and even better if you can find something that intersects with your own interests then ask some questions and swap some anecdotes.

So at my previous company the CEO was not particularly good at conversation but said during one of her talks that she was doing couch to 5k - as a parkrun person this is something I can talk for a long time about so that was my in.

Psychoanalysis helped me and after two years i suddenly noticed my social life was completely different amd i was much more confident chatting to people.
try to look for a training institute near you, they do reduced fees.

For any future interviews I recommend a book called ‘the perfect interview’ which is short and practical and there are quite simple things you can do to improve interview technique. There are plenty of things online. I have had some terrible interviews but practice has improved things.

Speakers clubs like toastmasters are literally full of people with social anxiety and communication difficulties and they are very supportive, inclusive as well as teaching proven skills.

They incorporate a ton of feedback, which is one of the most helpful things because it helps toughen up to real world consequences . Feedback is positive and constructive even when it’s pointing out a flaw, and it kind of reframes the criticism we endure from others, or more likely in our own heads.

I’d strongly encourage you to find a club and try it for a few weeks.

OP you have identified why you feel like this. So you know there’s nothing wrong with you, there’s a reason you feel and react this way.

We only have one life.
If you want something to change you’re going to need to make an effort to do something to change it. You will need to accept this may be a challenge or feel daunting at first. But you will benefit from these results.

Imagine how nice it would be not to freeze up when someone senior speaks to you. You can do it. But it’s not going to magically change without some conscious action from you.

You’ve posted on here for advice presumably because you’d like to try and change things. I’m sure more people will be along with more ideas. Maybe just make a list of things to try, go through them all and see what works?

My initial thought reading your post was that counselling might help if you can afford it.
Go for it and good luck! 💛

As previously mentioned, people love talking about themselves. So try talking to someone at work, like coffee break, or lunch, make a goal to ask like 2 open questions people you don’t really talk to - I mean outside of your team. You need to keep practicing as practice makes perfect. Also, you too focused on yourself and have this negativity and how people view you. People only care about themselves, so even if someone has an opinion about you, that’s not what they think about the whole day. If you say something silly, just let it go, who cares, everyone says silly things in certain situations.

The one thing that worked for me is something my first boss said to me . If you are worried about how social situations make you feel concentrate instead on making other people feel comfortable. Show interest in them - it worked for me .

That’s really good advice.

In your situation OP I would seek counselling first and foremost to help work through your past and the social anxiety that is crippling for you ❤️

In those sort of work bantering/charting environments you don’t have to be joining in by saying anything. Just being “engaged” in what is being said, laughing along etc is all you need to do. People will see you as warm, likeable and social - even if you are not feeling it in yourself.

People who are good at these types of social situations love playing to the crowd (I know - I am one of them!) so let someone else be their sparring partner and take the pressure off - then things will feel less forced for you.

Do you have any hobbies involving other people in a social setting - this is a great place to feel more confident in because everyone is there for the same reason and it is much less pressure than trying to have sparkling conversations with your boss at work!

It sounds as if you’re working full time but voluntary work can really help here. A less pressurised environment but still working as a team (usually), towards a common goal. Even joining a book club could help. Once you find your people and start to feel comfortable you will be able to apply your new found confidence to any situation. Don’t feel put off that you’ve been like this for years, it’s al about putting yourself in the situation and practising. As PP said, asking people about themselves will always go a long way too.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. You're not 'unfixable' at all and there are many, many people who feel just like you do.

I was horribly shy and awkward as a teenager. I remember in social group situations sometimes not saying a word, when everyone else around me was just so naturally chatty and breezy, and I had no clue how to join in. So I know what you mean, I also feel sorry for the younger me as I was cripplingly anxious in social situations.

Now - I still think of myself as a naturally shy person and I still get anxious thoughts when I'm socialising (oh my god, what am I going to talk to this person about?) but noone I know would know this at all as I'm much better at just throwing myself into things. Last year I delivered a presentation ata work conference to 150 people - 14 year old me would never have believed I'd be doing that!

I think it's become slightly easier for me as I've got older and grown in self confidence. But I've also come to realise that I've needed to push myself to get better at this by putting myself in situations I don't necessarily want to be in! So, agreeing to go to a party where I only know the host and have to chat to people I don't know; accepting the invite to a networking event where I need to speak to strangers; standing at the school gates and introducing myself to other mums when I don't know anyone. It's never as bad as I think it will be and the majority of people out there are nice and friendly.

I also used to practice conversations at home alone. This will sound crazy to anyone that can socialise naturally! But I found it helpful talking out loud to myself conversationally about the sort of things I could talk to people about at eg networking events.

It's the same for interviews, presentations or anything else. I practice, practice, practice (and film myself so I can watch myself back) as I'm definitely more confident when I've got structure and knowledge what I'm going to say.

Sorry this is a bit rambling but maybe my experiences can help you.

One thing I was going to ask, is this just a problem at work or is it other areas too?

There is a book called ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway’ by Susan Jeffers - it has a very practical approach to living with fear and anxiety, essentially it’s about standing back from yourself and becoming playful with the problem so it becomes less paralysing. Seem to remember there is a good follow up book too with lots of exercises to try in everyday situations.

Have you considered if you might be neurodiverse? This sounds very familiar for a lot of my family, some of them attributed their anxiety to childhood trauma but they later found out they were autistic. The anxiety didn't completely go away but they became more confident as they learned how their brains really worked. They started to engage with the world on their terms rather than constantly masking and trying to be like everyone else, it really does make a huge difference to their emotional wellbeing.

It didn’t work because you didn’t believe it worked.A lot of what we tell ourselves about how others perceive us simply isn’t true. I’d access counselling for your esteem and practice speaking up in places with less pressure.
I do understand I have found myself in some situations in the past speaking and it’s like no one tunes in to it (don’t know if it’s my tone or volume) it is frustrating when you are trying to join in as it makes you feel pushed out

OP I used to find it difficult to engage when I was really young. Couldn’t look folk in the eye. Felt lesser and found it painful. Best advice I can give is people like to talk about themselves. Wait for a natural break in the conversation and at first ask them a follow on question or about their experiences. For example, a Colleague comes back from holiday tell them it’s good to have them back, ask how was your break…before the weekend someone says they are doing x or y ask how did the wedding/birthday etc go. Child sick, how’s z feeling now etc? Then build up to tell the odd thing about you. Something light, funny or interesting… read a great book, funny thing happened or even go with who’s watching y (Traitors or whatever the latest thing is). Don’t disclose in work anything too personal and I am sure you’re already well liked as opposite of introvert can be folk who talk all about themselves all the time which can be worse. Set a goal of trying to say at least one positive comment when you can. That sounds amazing…I love our team, you Guys always make me smile etc but keep it natural. Plan in your head as the convo flows and keep it simple to begin with. You are good enough and your contributions do matter.

Speakers clubs like toastmasters are literally full of people with social anxiety and communication difficulties and they are very supportive, inclusive as well as teaching proven skills.

This. I was very involved with Toastmasters at one point. They are very used to people who are scared of speaking, and there's a real focus on constructive feedback. There are clubs all round the country, and if you get in touch with one near you, you will often be invited as a guest to see what happens.

I am genuinely interested in people.
i actually like hearing about holidays, weekend plans, weather chat
i think most people are pretty decent and I like to engage with them