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Original poster

I've changed my mind about not wanting to get married again

12 replies

RomanticAssassin · 28/01/2026 00:31

I've been with DP for 7 years. We're both divorced. Early on in our relationship we were out with friends when one of them asked me in front of him if I would ever marry again. I was still a bit bruised from my divorce and said no. DP didn't say anything and we have never discussed it, but I do know from other conversations that we have had that he liked the reassurance of being married, even when his was on the rocks. We don't live together and even though he did want to initially, we agree that we work better living apart. I have ADHD, it has caused problems in all my previous relationships and I know that eventually my behaviours would annoy him. When he's at mine he can't moan at me because the washing up isn't done or I've left all my laundry out, because it's my home, but if we lived together it would be an issue. I'm also a night owl and he's an early bird, we compromise when we stay at each other's but if we lived together it would be an issue. Aside from this, we are very happy. I've been feeling for a while now that I want some sort of commitment with him. I think I want to marry him. He's my forever person, I am in it for the long haul and I love him. I know that he's in this forever too.

Is this a ridiculous idea? Can we or should we get married if we don't live together? I don't even know how to begin the conversation anyway, it's not something you can just lightly bring up over breakfast in bed!

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 28/01/2026 00:35

I think it sounds like a wonderful compromise.

I do wonder what would happen if you stayed together into old age, if you would still expect each other to provide the same level of support as a live in partner would do?

1Messycoo · 28/01/2026 00:55

Yes why not ! What ever works for you and it’s nice and healthy to have space and come together when you want to.
been with my partner 13 years and we started living together 9
months ago, due to having a overhaul on what’s important for us and so we moved to the other end of the country. Now we have a 3 bedroom beautiful house, but here’s the thing, as we have always have had space.
So one of the bedrooms is his “living room” and I have the lounge and when he's had a night out out the spare bedroom he sleeps in so I don’t have to put up with his drunken snoring,
and taking all bed.
So far it’s working for us as we agreed space is required. Also we are both in our 50s and both where very independent are still are to a degree.
i was married and divorced in my 20s.
I see no reason as to why you cannot be married and live separately, in fact I think it’s the way forward 😊

KitKatKrums · 28/01/2026 01:03

I think that sounds fab. It’s what I’d do if I could go back and rethink my life.

Original poster
RomanticAssassin · 28/01/2026 01:07

AltitudeCheck · 28/01/2026 00:35

I think it sounds like a wonderful compromise.

I do wonder what would happen if you stayed together into old age, if you would still expect each other to provide the same level of support as a live in partner would do?

This is something I have thought about a lot. I think that we probably will live together at some point in the future as we get older. At the moment it doesn't make financial sense for us to both sell up and move in together anyway, house prices are stagnant where we live and we currently couldn't find a place that would work for both of us anyway. But in years to come, who knows?

OP posts:
PrunusVulgaris · 28/01/2026 07:48

Why don't you pool your resources, get married and live together but have your own separate parts of the house with one communal area for watching TV, eating together and being together generally.

The only way I could get married again or live with someone is like this quite honestly.

bumphousebump · 28/01/2026 08:02

Living Apart Together, it’s a thing for people who can afford two houses. I’d definitely do it if I met someone new, I’m too set in my ways to be bothered going through all that living together again….and I’d like to have the house the way I want it….

2old4thispoo · 28/01/2026 08:04

I totally understand why you have come up with this idea but what does your dp gain from it?

Brightbluesomething · 28/01/2026 08:44

Your current situation is great if you ever split up, but if you were married it might be complicated. I’d get legal advice before anything is agreed.
The starting point could be a conversation about what commitment looks like for each of you and being honest about wanting a bit more than you have already. Listen to what he wants and go from there.

Chasingsquirrels · 28/01/2026 08:44

Putting aside the emotional aspects - marriage is a legal contract, do you both want to commit to the terms of that contract?

Do either of you have children for whom you may want to protect your assets?

AltitudeCheck · 28/01/2026 09:47

I love the romance of making that commitment combined with the practicality of not having to share a house with someone that has a different day to day style of living!

Financially it could be over complicating tthongs though, I would definitely get some legal advice. Presumably you would keep mostly seperate finances while you lived in seperate houses and one wouldn't be subsidising the other when it came to income, bills or maintaining the house? What about capital gains tax if you sell a jointly own second home etc.

it would be good to understand what the risks are if you marry and later divorce. Would it be any different to a couple living together? It's hard to imagine the person you love being awful but break ups can make people behave horribly to each other and neither of you want to put your homes, savings or pension at risk.

Ilovelurchers · 28/01/2026 13:37

To me this sounds perfect.

The happiest couple I know, my brother and his lovely partner, have been together decades and never lived together. They even own a house together, so very committed! But he mostly lives in his work accommodation, and they spend weekends and holidays together.

I have recently started seeing an ex again, and now we no longer live together it's blissful! He spends usually a couple of nights a week at mine when DD is with her dad. We have had a weekend away too, and planning another one. Many of our arguments were about finances or housework, and obviously these no longer reply - it's entirely up to me how often I clean my house, our finances are now separate..... So the time together is just focused on doing nice things, supporting each other emotionally etc.

In the fullness of time, if it stays like this and if he wants to, I WILL marry him, but I will never live with him full time again I don't think!

If your dp is happy with this compromise, I say go for it! Sounds perfect to me.

Ilovelurchers · 28/01/2026 13:40

AltitudeCheck · 28/01/2026 00:35

I think it sounds like a wonderful compromise.

I do wonder what would happen if you stayed together into old age, if you would still expect each other to provide the same level of support as a live in partner would do?

This is a good point, and if I stay with my ex, the only circumstance in which I can imagine living with him is if he or I became too unwell or infirm to live alone. Then of course I would cohabit with him, or vice versa - he is my person.

But unless and until that day arises, why put the added stress on ourselves?

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