How do I get my almost 5yo to go to sleep?!

[tetheringend]

Posting here in desperation, and for traffic.

I’m gearing up to start bedtime in the next couple of hours, and am in desperate need of some help.

Almost 5yo DD hates going to sleep. She’s absolutely fine once she’s asleep and rarely wakes up, but I have such problems getting her down. She just doesn’t want to go to sleep, says it’s boring, she has tummy aches, all the excuses start to come out!

We have a pretty good routine which is generally stuck to. Books, teeth and toilet, cuddle etc. I aimed to have her in bed by 7, although now 7.30 because I thought perhaps that’s a bit too early and she’s just not tired enough etc.

But often there follows a couple of hours of delay tactics, up and down the stairs and sometimes tears. it can be as late as 10pm before she eventually gives in.

Often I end up sitting with her until she eventually falls asleep but I don’t want to keep doing that. I want to have a bit of an evening, get some jobs done and have some food myself. I’m often crawling out of her room and straight into my own bed and I’m exhausted and fed up!

I’ve tried audiobooks, sitting outside her room, repeatedly putting her back to bed etc.

I had friends who say “just be strict”! But that’s easier said than done. And it doesn’t work!

I really hoped starting school would tire her out, but no! I think she does get tired but she just really doesn’t want to go to bed.

My life would be immeasurably easier if I could just tuck her up at 7pm and that’s where she stays!

Any tips?

I am in a current dilemma with my 5 nearly 6 year old, things that help us are zero interaction, night light and white noise, I am trying to decide too if I try 7:30pm instead, mine only goes on till 8/8:30 but it is ages watching them fall asleep, feel for you, its exhausting and hard

Could you try, your such a big girl now your at school so you have to go to bed but you can look at your books/listen to music for 30 mins and then you need to go to sleep? So she’s in bed but she doesn’t have to try and fall asleep straight away?

Presuming give tried sticker charts and all those things?

(Fully aware that it might just cause a bigger kick off after the 30 mins is done, so might be risky)

Being strict and putting her straight back to bed when she comes downstairs does work - eventually! But you have to be very very consistent and stick to it no matter what. If you give in sometimes and end up sitting with her then you're back to square one and you're teaching her that if she's persistent enough, you'll give in. You can't force her to sleep - you can only say you have to stay in bed because it's bedtime now. Once you've read stories and had cuddles, give her a kiss and say night night and go. You will have to be firm (calm, not cross) and put her back to bed every time she gets up. Expect it to get worse before it gets better - she will push back to see when/if you'll give in. But if you're consistent and don't give in, she'll soon be going off to sleep on her own.

Have you tried something like a tonie box which reads stories

Or something that plays lullaby music

The return to bed process does work but it takes time. First time "its bedtime now" take back, tuck in, leave. 2nd time "bed" return to bed, tuck in, leave. 3rd time and as many times over, no communication, no eye contact, pick up and return. You have to be strong and consistent.

Sometimes I find my 6 year old just wants to be near me, so letting her wear my pyjamas or have my tshirt in bed can help

We also do bath or shower before bed, with teeth and story and a song, bed time takes about 45 minutes but by 8pm I can come downstairs. If they do come out I try not to be annoyed as its usually just connection they want.

The other way is to let them fall asleep In your bed and move when you go to bed, as this again gives that connection.

Sometimes mine just wants to offload all those thoughts, so I sit while she is in bed and we talk

Each child is different, but there is always a reason, you just need to trial and error to find it.

Just remember, this isnt forever, they are still young and developing, and sometimes just want to be near you

Pick one way to do it and stick to it, trying to do different things won't work. It's confusing for her. I would put her back no interaction/speaking at all. It will drive you insane at the start but worth it in the long run

I was struggling with my kids and now they go to bed at 8pm, the 5yo is asleep by 8.30 and the 6yo by 9pm. I have a rule that I leave the room at 8.30 and they can only call me for emergencies. They have nightlights and can read or play quietly (sensory toys) but they aren’t allowed out of bed unless they need the toilet. It took over a year of being consistent for this to become our routine.

Might be no help but my now 9year old has always had issue falling asleep, he is a child that can some nights only need 5 hours and be up for the day without any problems. I just moved his bed time to 8.30/9pm and do what I need to do before hand and go up with him and read a book. Now he can be awake until midnight sometimes but is happy listening to audio books and sleep stories.
I did try everything to get an earlier bedtime but it just didnt work, its not for every child and the fights weren't worth it for either of us.

Does this only happen on school nights or every night, is it better during the holidays?

My DD started off with tummy ache the nights before school, turns out it was school related anxiety.

Now she's older she's been able to tell me she doesn't want to go to sleep because it means school is getting closer.

What you describe is also very common in girls with ADHD, they struggle to switch their minds off even if they are physically tired.

Could you just have a child with low sleep needs?! My daughter has always been the same, doesn’t sleep much but isn’t tired. These days we say she can read in her room, draw, colour, whatever but she has to stay in her room and be quiet so as to not disturb her sister. She usually falls asleep by 9:30/10 but is still awake again at 6

Yoto or podcast on etc
Tell her she needs to stay in room. Doesn't matter if she doesn't sleep but she needs to stay in her bedroom
She can read a few books in bed and listen to her stories etc even maybe have an apple and water by side of bed. Lavender pillow spray
Stickers and a reward if she stays in room nicely and sees herself off to bed
You can't be staying in her room it's annoying and at 5 she should be better

what reasons does she give to delaying bedtime? Does she not enjoy school? x

I would sit with her.

I have had dc that really struggled to sleep.

Ultimately I believe children's behaviour is communication.
She's clearly struggling and maybe if she realises you won't be rushing out of the bedroom, she will settle easier and it may make the bedtime process /routine shorter.

You could aim for a bit later and aim to walk away by 8pm. Once you've left her bedroom, don't return. If she gets up, just take her back to bed and gently tell her she has to stay there and don't engage further.

Likely she has lower sleep needs. Try a later bed time and no pressure to sleep. BUT stop being disturbed by her. She's in her room and she stays there. She doesn't have to be asleep, but every time she bothers you and it's not an emergency, there's a consequence. We found screen time was effective!

I gave mine camomile tea to drink, soft classical music and no 'bedtime' strung out, bath, drink, bed, no fuss, stories were done during the day. They seemed to recharge his batteries! The expectation was, fine if he didn't sleep, but he wasn't to be seen or heard. He could read, colour or play quiet lego type toys but no noise.

Both of mine were like this, I have to lay with my 5 year old still and she doesn't fall asleep for ages even then! Normally asleep by about 9. My eldest was the same but she is fine at going to bed on her own now. I think they grow out of it eventually.

My little girl is the same, she’s 6. She’s awaiting autism diagnosis but I also suspect she may have adhd but that’s just purely based on her not being able to go to sleep at night. Most nights it’s 9.30-10pm. I have to stay with her and it’s often over an hour. We tried earlier bed and later bed but it made no difference. Actually an earlier one just means it takes even longer but if it’s too late she’s over tiered.

I bought magnesium and bed time gummies, pillow sprays, stickers the lot. We haven’t found anything that works. Sometimes she will go to sleep fairly quickly but nothing was different that night.
She has recently started with the my tummy is sore and I feel like I’m going to be sick. This started after she was sick before bed one night.
She also wakes up every night and climbs into our bed and refuses to go bk to her own bed or screams the house down. I’ve given up trying to get her bk to her bed but she is getting too big now.

So I have no advice but you have my sympathy!

Does she sleep quicker if you are there? If so, I would just do that for now. Once she is old enough to read in bed, she can do that, but perhaps audiobooks now? You have essentially just described me as a child and it was definitely fear of missing out for me. Once I could read, I just pretended to be asleep if anyone came up, but otherwise read for ages. I didn't need as much sleep as my 8:30 bedtime would have meant.

My dd would always fall asleep well, but simply didn't need that much sleep. Bedtime was about 9pm then it went to 9.30 and she'd be awake at 7 the next day. She certainly didn't need that 12 hours that a lot of kids seem to have.

If we'd put her to bed at 7 she'd have been awake and raring to go at half past 4 in the morning and I wasn't having that!

This sounds exactly like my DS. What has been working for us is letting him fall asleep in our bed (while one of us lies with him) and then carrying him to his bed later on. He usually falls asleep within half hour then (not all the time but better than before!)

my first action would be to make her more tired... not by latening the bed time, but by increasing both physical and mental exertion before bed.

Is it possible to make the hour before your routine more physically demanding? Go for a walk/run after dinner... go crazy in the garden, dance around the living room etc. anything to use up energy in the hour before your bedtime routine starts...

And then as part of your routine, add in something like a kids phonics reading book alongside the books you read to her...or a couple of math's questions etc. I know this sounds a little mental, but it is amazing how "tired" kids become when they have to do something that is mentally taxing rather than exciting. Same with tidying/doing chores.. suddenly all the energy from playing disappears and they are "tired". It wont work for all kids, but for some it can get them to do something useful, while triggering their realization of feeling "tired" in a way that playing in the bath, and getting read fun books doesn't.

Also, maybe think about what stories you are reading? Moving from sitting with you reading picture books to being read chapter books while laying down can help...

I had to stay in the room with my dd till she fell asleep from when she was 18 months until she was 7. She was a good sleeper other than that, and would generally go off quite quickly so I was prepared to live with it. When she was7 she started really angling for a later bedtime (8 instead of 7/7:30) and I used that as my bargaining tool, saying to her ok you can go at 8 but I have things to do in the evening and I want to watch some tv so if you want a later bedtime you need to be a big girl and fall asleep yourself. Obviously I would stay a little while and talk, read stories etc. but after a few days of getting up a few times this worked for her.
How quick does she fall asleep if you stay with her? Because that might be easier than all the up and down which is contributing to you losing your evening.

We use to use Toni’s and yoti boxes. They are brilliant. If older I would go with yoti. They even do the Harry Potter series.