DS will not use the toilet at school

[LostTheWill29]

Posting in chat as hoping to reach a wider audience before I lose the will..

DS age 4, in reception will not use the school toilet without a parent present. He will hold wee all day, and won't drink just incase it makes him wee.

School were encouraging him to try but he can't "let go" and they aren't pushing since the new year as he has recently been crying/begging not to go to school. Currently he will come out of school, give me his bag/coat and go back in to use the toilet.

He can't be bribed or talked in to it. He was difficult and late to potty train, he still won't wipe his own bum as the poo makes him gag/throw up (he doesn't like disgusting/smelly things). I've bought books about school toilets and "invisible string" about us being connected always, I draw little hearts on his wrist, we try to understand why he won't go - "I'm scared" "they're dirty" but not true as he will go when I collect him. I've offered little picture of me to carry to the toilet. He doesn't respond to sticker charts or high value rewards like toys (although he loves toys). The toilet is in the classroom and they are free to use it whenever. He could also use it when the class is empty at lunch or use the lunch hall toilets.

School have referred to school nurse continence team, although his teacher and I feel it isn't a continence issue however they have a 4 month wait for an initial assessment and have sent me a link to ERIC, which I have looked at many, many times.

Does anyone have a child who is similar and has any suggestions? Getting desperate as I thought he would grow out of it after being the same at nursery (afternoons) but here we are!

So I’d say at 4 their memory is short and they need the positive reinforcement. Can you go with him at pick up and compliment sth like the sinks and what a good boy he is at shutting the door and washing his hands etc? Then the next day something else that seems silly eg I love the taps on that sink. I think at 4 they really internalise how you feel about things. How is he at other unfamiliar toilets? Could he use the toilet at a restaurant for example?

I wouldn’t used the toilet when I went to school and I can absolutely remember why, the doors were very short and other children and teachers peered over them sometimes and it just made in impossible for me to go.

Do you think it could be something like that, after school you say he uses them is that because they are empty?

@LostTheWill29 Is he worried in case he ends up needing a poo and then can’t wipe himself? So will only go when you are there, just in case?

It's just like a disabled toilet, it is a similar size and has a full door. The children can choose to close it fully or leave it slightly propped open with a door stop (you can't see anything due to the angle). He wouldn't poo there so I don't think it's that. He stands up to wee.

I definitely agree about needing a "safe" adult. His teachers are really good with him, and all the children but I definitely think his TA is working on this with him, and he is warming to her.

He would use a toilet in a restaurant/shop etc as long as they are clean and if he needed a poo as long as he had a childs toilet seat (we have a fold up one).

Thanks for all the suggestions and support, definitely some ideas here including me needing to chill out about it! I do actually have 2 older DC so you'd think I'd know what I was doing but they used toilets as normal (well one wouldn't poo in public but I think that's normal as neither would I) 😂

I had a similar issue with DD. She took issue with the visibility of the toilets in that her classmates could see she was in the bathroom (as in “everyone knows I need a wee if I’m seen in the bathroom”) because of the cloakroom set up they have at that age. I suppose some kids that age have no boundaries yet and just barge in.

Once she reached year 1 and the toilets were separate she was happy to ask to the teacher to go. It turned out to be a privacy thing.

My kids never wee at school, they refuse because the toilets are always dirty. They are all fine and healthy. Not doing a wee for 6 hours is fine. (eldest now in yr13, so I’ve had a while to get used to it and far up trying to encourage them a while ago…)

Does he need you with him at home?

Have they tried an out of the classroom toilet?

What happens if you go into the cubicle at school, would he go then?

Do you have any trusted adults eg grandparents who you could send him with out and about? Or even when out and about, explain he's getting a bit big for you to fit in the cubicle, so once the seat is on you'll wait outside the door. Might get him used to being in there alone.

It's possibly due to the fact that it's in the classroom and everyone knows what he is doing. Can he use other toilets instead. We had a few like that in nursery and they had to wait till no one else was there.

Ds11 refused to use the toilet at preschool, this continued at primary. He’s in year 6 & unless he has to wash hands doesn’t go to the loo. He won’t use public ones either, even when travelling. He was desperate once home in his younger years but never been an issue. I work in a secondary & lots of kids don’t use the loo, not very unusual.

We had a little one a few years back with a similar issue. It transpired that there was a huge emphasis at home (when out and about) that they should never go the bathroom alone - for obvious safety concerns. They were taught that they had to go with mum or dad. We managed to get around this by a PSA acting as their safe toilet adult in school, and the parents relaxing the rule at home when safety allowed.

Obviously not a long term solution, but if you are not currently in work, could you drop in at lunch or break to encourage toilet use with a member of school staff? This would rectify the drinking concerns until the issue resolves at least.

My dd has this issue, although she also has issues with going at home too. She is suspected ASD, not saying your DS has this but just for context. She wouldn’t go in reception and would often come home smelling of wee, and wouldn’t drink. Now she in year 1 it seems to have got a bit better as they have a lesson routine instead of free play, with breaks and she seems to be in a routine of going to the toilet with a few friends at one of the break times. She’s getting better at drinking there too as the teacher reminds them to drink between activities so she does. I think she found the free play nature of reception hard without the routine.

My DS was exactly the same when he started reception last year. He had some similar issues at nursery but his key worker had supported him and built his confidence to the point he was using the toilet totally normally at nursery. And then he started school and he just wouldn't go - he said he was scared of falling in because it was so big but they were kids toilets and smaller than our ones at home so I'm not sure that was really it. I think like you say it was the lack of safe person - with the best TA/teacher in the world it's still going to be hard to have the same bond they have with a nursery key worker.

Eventually one day around this time in the school year in reception he had a small accident - it was only a small amount so no one noticed and he was too embarrassed to tell anyone so he just sat in slightly wet pants for the rest of the afternoon. Obviously not ideal but it was sufficient motivation for him to start going when he was desperate.

He's in year 1 now and he still goes the minimum he can and now they have to ask a teacher if they need to go in lesson time which he will never do. But at least I know he will usually go once a day during break. Still comes out bursting usually which isn't ideal as we then have to wait ten minutes for his sister and walk 10-15 minutes home! But I am a lot less worried now.

And actually he used the toilet at after school club before the actual school toilets, I assume because he was desperate and didn't want to have an accident. Also his sister was there so not sure if that helped his confidence but she wouldn't have gone with him or anything I don't think. So it might be worth giving after school club a go before you need it and seeing how he gets on.

I was like this when I started school I wouldn’t eat either. My mum kept taking me to the drs thinking I had a water infection as I kept saying I wanted the toilet but I couldn’t let go when I was on the toilet. The lovely headmistress spent so much time with me waiting outside the toilet but she must have been driven mad by me . Basically it took me a while to stop being so anxious that I couldn’t let go eat and drink at school. However I went onto struggle with anxiety throughout My life 57 now and I think I am possibly autistic. Definitely HSP Nero diverse but was always labelled neurotic. Interested if others sufffered like this

My DS (now Y3) has never used the toilet in school despite trying a whole variety of different tactics. Originally he was on part time hours and school were reluctant to increase him to full time without a willingness to use a toilet but in the end they gave up and he seems to cope fine. He often won't even go before school but still manages to last a full day.

Hi OP, we had this with our son - but instead of holding in wee, he would hold in poo and then poo himself. This would happen every day without fail, sometimes multiple times every day. He also wouldn’t go to the toilet alone and wouldn’t wipe himself. He is only just getting over this now, and is about to turn 9. It’s been pretty challenging. I would take any offer of a specialist referral that you can get. In my experience, even if the first referral isn’t to quite the right place, it’s easier to get to the right place once you are in the system. In our case he needed a lot of emotional support and it was related to control and anxiety. It took a lot of patience and support to get through it. I wish you all the very best.

One of my sons was scared to use the school toilet - turned out the urinals auto-flushed and frightened him. My dh explained to him what was happening with the flush and my ds gradually got used to it because he was expecting a big whooshing noise. Could it be that?

Is he worried that someone will walk in on him? Has it already happened and someone laughed maybe?

I did this too!
No real reason for it, I just hated the idea of using school toilets, although I did finally use them out of necessity when I had heavier periods, but only with a friend with me.