I can’t do this anymore

[TheWorlds]

I just can’t do this anymore, I am a single mum and my children all have different levels of autism, oldest being most severe. She hasn’t attended school in 4 years and I am exhausted, she has a tutor 2 hours a day supplied by the LA but im finding this challenging. I have to supervise all sessions meaning sitting in the library with her for 2 hours every day. Im struggling to get there on time as I have to drop other kids off to school in the morning and get them ready in the morning. On the way to her tutor I have to drop my youngest off by bus, her school is literally opposite the bus stop but after I drop her I have to go back to the bus stop and wait 20 minutes for another bus, it literally takes me 2 minutes to drop her so it’s frustrating having to wait 20 minutes for the next one to get my daughter to the library and we are often
late.

The tutor often gets frustrated with my daughter And ends the session early, im not saying my daughter isnt difficult this is why I was unable to teach her myself any longer, but im finding that im dreading the sessions. My daughter is very dis regulated in the mornings and it’s hard To get her to the sessions a few times I’ve had to cancel as I can’t get her there.

They’ve also provided 2 mentors to come and take her out but I don’t find this helpful dont get me wrong im grateful with how much they’ve given her but I just want her back in school. The mentors often bring her home early and im not in because I told them I have to collect other kids from school, or they often cancel due to short staff, i feel like they are running out of places to take her as they only take her to the park and library opposite my house. There was a centre she could have gone to which would have been better as they have facilities there but it was too far and I couldn’t get her there. I don’t know what to do anymore I just want to give up and forget it all. We have tribunal Coming up but that’s taken a year and she’s 15 now so I keep thinking what’s the point now, I might as well give up. I can’t do this anymore. im terrified of tribunal and is it even worth it now she’s 15 next month. I just can’t do this anymore im being pulled in far Too many directions, and it’s affecting my younger kids. I can’t get my youngest to school on time as there is just far too
much to do in the mornings, meaning we are always late and the school are constantly On at me. Should I just give up now im
not sure I want to continue with tribunal?

I wake up every morning full of dread and don’t want to get out of bed. Im only happy on the weekends and holidays as there is no pressure.

It all sounds really hard op, I dont have any advice really, but some netters with experience will pop on soon.

How many children do you have?

It sounds exhausting.

On the way to her tutor I have to drop my youngest off by bus, her school is literally opposite the bus stop but after I drop her I have to go back to the bus stop and wait 20 minutes for another bus,

Could your youngest's school help by meeting her off the bus so you don't need to get off then wait for the next one? That could be a 'quick win'.

You definitely sound like you could do with more support, but I suspect that is difficult to actually achieve. is there anyone at one of the schools you could approach for help in getting more help?

I’m sorry this sounds really really hard and is not working at all. Your priority needs to be getting your younger kids into school on time so I would pull your 15 year old out of these tutoring sessions asap. I hope things get better for you I really do 💐

This sounds unbearably hard, OP. You may have tried this already, but can the LA arrange a different tutor and time for tutoring? It's unprofessional and wrong for the tutor to simply end the session early because they can't be arsed; the same as it's wrong for the mentors to bring your child back early. Our LA have a list of approved tutoring companies they use. They leave it up to the school and parents to decide between them which tutor is best for the child and where/when tutoring sessions take place. Do your LA have the same?

Do any of the brain or autism related charities provide support that may be helpful? (I'm really sorry to provide a list, as I know that's the last thing you need, but I'm afraid I don't have any direct experience of which service may be useful.)

https://www.thebraincharity.org.uk/condition/autism/

https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory

https://www.beyondautism.org.uk/our-services/

No the school aren’t willing or able to help anymore than that and I can’t guarantee which bus we will be on as we are often late and I try to avoid conversations with them in the morning as thats just lectures over lateness

She’s not getting any education at all then unfortunately as I cannot provide this at home.

Unfortunately this is the only time I can do that doesnt clash with her mentor or they offered 3-5 and that would mean it would clash with the school run

It’s hard to know what to say as a fellow SEN mum I know you’ll have tried everything in your power.

For us specialist school was a game changer. But I imagine you’ve looked at that.

Does she have anything she enjoys? Could you get her set up with some work experience / volunteering for when she’s not with tutor? I kind of feel that at 15 formal education’a obviously a write off and now is maybe the time to start thinking about setting her up for success on what the rest of her life can look like rather than still continuing on the formal education stuff which obviously she hates.

She has significant learning difficulties unfortunately that would not be possible. She has the mental age of a 6 year old.

I’m so sorry that sounds really tough.

What’s the tribunal going to be looking at? Is it for a school place or something else? I would urge you to go if only so you feel you’ve done what you can. You never know it might bring a good result. Please don’t be terrified. Have you tried speaking to a support charity like IPSEA?

How helpful are the mentoring sessions? If they’re not doing that much for her then I’d possibly consider moving the tutoring time slot to make your life easier, even if it does clash with the mentors.

Is their dad any help at all??

While I was recovering from an illness, a Home Aide came for a short time each morning to sort the kids out for school and make sure they were on time. She was provided by Social Work. would something like that be a possibility?

Could a childminder take the younger ones to school?

Well they’ve cancelled her mentor session again, that’s 3 times in a row now, it’s a complete waste of time, I rush home for them and tidy the place up as it’s the only time I get when I don’t have all the kids with me to be able to sort the place out only for them to keep cancelling. I have a feeling they do not want to do the mentor sessions anymore, it’s going to be a long 12 weeks which will drag because they seem to have run out of places to take her already and then my daughter is disappointed that they haven’t shown up especially since they don’t cancel till an hour before, today was only half an hours notice.

I’ve spoken to IPSEA they put me on a waiting list for tribunal support but that was months ago and they said no guarantees as they are extremely busy and I’ve never heard back from them. It’s for sections B F and I. Their father is not in contact.

Goodness OP, that sound tough. It must feel impossible every day.

do you have a social worker you can book a conversation with?

have you spoken with Mencap?

what about your GP - could they help you access support that actually works for you?

have you complained about the tutor and mentors not meeting their obligations?

you've obviously been battling on for years. Your children are lucky to have you. But you deserve so much better.

It’s time that someone recognised the size of the issues you face every day and how much it is affecting the health and wellbeing of the whole family.

I’ve been to the GP with her but I found that useless as well as they just sent me details of a counselling session for her which I couldn’t get her to anyway, I went there for a referral to camhs as I want some help her anxiety (I was told they could prescribe medication) but all they did was send me the details of a charity that offer counselling.

Well the mentor has cancelled on us, apparently they don’t feel it’s safe taking her out in the community even with 2 members of staff. Well that’s it then. Yet according to my LA this same child is perfectly fine in a mainstream school. The 2 mentors can’t even take her out because they said it isn’t safe.

No suggestions OP, just sympathy and

It all sounds so hard for you, juggling your other DC's schooling with these things that don't help and keep being cancelled. Your DD needs to be in some sort of learning environment. Why can no one cope with her and why isn't a special school suitable? I have a friend with a DC who has severe physical and LDs and she goes to her special school every day (health permitting), and another friend with a severely autistic DS, who is huge and can be violent, but he was in an educational/life skills setting until he was in his 20s, so I'm amazed that a suitable environment can't be found for your DD. What are you supposed to do with her if nothing is available? I really hope the tribunal offers you something.

The local authority say she’s fine in mainstream and mainstream is listed on her ehcp that’s why we are where we are sadly they won’t do any new reports even though she hasn’t been seen by the EP since 2018 and now the mentors said they aren’t able to take her out safely even with 2 members of staff. They have cancelled all of her sessions.

Go back to the LA. They have a responsibility under section 19 of the Education Act 1996 to provide a suitable full-time education. The current provision is not full time and doesn’t sound suitable. And you cannot be compelled to facilitate it.

EHCPs can continue until 25, or 26 in some circumstances, so an appeal is still worth it.

Have you checked if you are eligible for legal aid? That can fund assessments if necessary. If you aren’t eligible for legal aid, have you looked at charity funding? Failing that, have you asked SENDIST to direct the LA to seek certain updated advice and information.

Have you requested transport for DC? And challenged a refusal, if necessary.

You can request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and assessments by the children with disabilities team for DC.

They told me to go back to the LA myself and ask for transport to the centre as they are happy to have her there but can’t manage her safely outside, I have contacted them but I don’t know if I will get anywhere they told me they cannot contact the LA themselves. We can’t do full time for now as I can’t supervise any more than 2 hours a day even that is difficult anything she does will require supervision. The LA have said they will obtain new reports but it hasn’t happened, I have legal aid but they don’t do anything and haven’t helped at all.

As I said, you cannot be compelled to facilitate the provision. That means you cannot be compelled to provide supervision. It is the responsibility of the LA. If the LA has refused, have you gone down the pre-action letter route?

The AP can contact the LA. They are fobbing you off.

Legal aid can fund independent assessments if necessary. Chase that. Unfortunately, it often takes perseverance.