How to help bereaved parent

[Goldeh]

I recently lost one of my parents. They were close to one another, neither of them really did anything alone or had their own identity/hobbies/interests outside of their marriage.

Called round to visit earlier and mum casually dropped into conversation that she hasn't seen anyone since Wednesday

One of my siblings does 12hr shifts, four on and four off. She had been round Wednesday and they'd gone out to lunch. I haven't been round before today as my DC have had a sick bug but I have been phoning and texting daily, usually I call round 2-4 times a week depending on my work schedule. Other sibling has moved in with soon-to-be BIL at Christmas and is very much in that loved-up 'bubble' but is a freelancer and currently on a period of downtime, she has not been round in over a week. We all have good relationships with each other, there are no feuds or tensions. I know they've been phoning, same as me, but I'm sad my mum hasn't seen a physical person in days.

She won't join any clubs, I think she'd enjoy it if she did but she has confidence issues and doesn't like striking up conversations with people she doesn't know. She doesn't have many friends. She has contacted friends she has and they did really round a bit in the immediate aftermath but now they've all drifted back to their own lives and she doesn't want to 'bother them'. She still works but isn't social with the people she works with outside of the work environment.

She just seems so diminished and I'm really worried about her. I think she's a bit depressed, not surprisingly, and probably also traumatised as my dad's death was not peaceful, expected, or clean and she witnessed the entire thing. She won't entertain talking to anyone about it as that's 'wallowing' and we don't wallow.

What can I do to help her? She's only 60 so has plenty of life ahead of her, I hate the idea of her spending it being lonely but I don't know how to support her through this bit while also grieving myself, working, parenting, and all the other stuff.

Sympathies on the loss of your Dad . How recent is recent may I ask? If it's quite early days still then potentially it's asking quite a lot of her to be out and about forging a new life with clubs and socialising and so on especially if she's quite an introverted, home body sort of person. Not saying that's what you're expecting of her, of course not, but just I also think it can be an expression of grief to want to be very busy and occupied and to subconsciously expect that of others too. Whereas some people work through their grief by withdrawing and being very quiet and solitary, so maybe she's actually quite glad to have had a quiet few days alone? Or do you think the not seeing anyone since Wednesday comment was more of a dig because you hadn't been over as much this week? It's great you and siblings are calling and visiting as much as you can and it's lovely to be close, but you don't really want to set up a dynamic where she replaces a dependence on your Dad for all social needs with an equal dependency on her children, like you say you all have your own lives so even if it was possible for any of you to drop everything and virtually move in with her, or to have a rota so she's never alone it wouldn't be healthy either.

Is she back at work yet? If not maybe getting back to work could be a priority for her as even if she doesn't socialise with colleagues as such it will still be getting her out and about and engaging with the world in a low key way. Does she have any pets? Maybe difficult with her work but a little dog can be a really great companion and needing to walk is again a good excuse to be active and also to talk to people without it being a big deal. I think maybe think quite small overall, if she's simply popped out for a walk or grabbed a coffee or something that's enough to be going on with in these early days?

Perhaps if you think she would enjoy clubs or volunteering or something similar you could go with her for the first few times, maybe even a little white lie that it's something you want to do and you need her company? If the low mood persists it may be worth persuading her to the GP or a bereavement counsellor, again you can maybe bring it up more as something that you're doing for yourself/ that has helped you rather than it being you bossing her into it because you think she's doing grief wrong, not saying that's what you are meaning at all but more that's the risk of how she'll interpret it if you push too hard...