Would you see this as acceptable

[Teddlesisagoodboy]

Husband is 52. He is a very sociable person but works from home all week. He goes to the gym twice a week so gets out then but doesn't have much interaction with people in the week other than with me and the kids.
He goes out drinking every weekend, sometimes having a few, occasionally having a few too many. Stays out until around 12.30-3.30am.
I gave up drinking over a year ago and so can't decide if I am being intolerant because I am teetotal or not. When he's been out he lays in bed late and generally acts very tired, doesn't want to do anything with us.

Is this normal? Would you be fine with it?

I wouldn’t be but its whether you are that really matters.

Yeah I wouldn’t be happy with it being every weekend, and certainly not the hangover every weekend.

I feel like it's what he needs to do to feel happier, socialise etc. But I wish I had someone who was more interested in family life and doing things with the kids.

Not normal and no, I wouldn't be fine with it. He's living a single life from the comfort of a family home.

No it's not normal. He's getting pissed every weekend. Stay out until stupid o'clock. Then staying in bed. If you have kids leaving all the parenting and family stuff up to you. It's selfish, lazy and irresponsible. He's opting out. I wouldn't put up with that shit. Hes sti a parent hangover or not. When do you do family stuff, day trip and activities? I would put up with that once a month let alone once a week. Once a quarter I'd ignore it but any more than thar is a piss take.

We only do days out if I organise it and sometimes get quite a bit of moaning from him about it. He sees organising and supervising kids when we are out as too much hassle I think. Sometimes he enjoys it once we are out, but I know he wouldn't bother if it was up to him.

He never takes kids out on his own. Maybe one but not two.

Sounds like the WFH full time is making him isolated and miserable, so he is going mad at the weekend. He needs to cut back on drinking and think about going back to the office a few days a week or developing a less alcohol focussed form of socialising - could he sawp the gym for football or a running club?

No, I wouldn't be fine with this. It sounds like your husband is opting out of family life leaving you to do all the parenting. Have you tried talking to him about this at a time when he is not tired/hungover? Does he have to work from home all the time or does he have the option of going into a workplace where he could socialise a bit at work?

No, not normal absolutely.
What do you mean he needs it to feel happier and socialise? He can do things with you and kids and certainly without being drunk. He can go out of course but not so often and without drinking so much.
People can socialize without alcohol.

And he needs to pull his weight in terms of interacting with your shared children.

Yeah I think he recognises that he should go into work more, but the cost of travel into London is a lot

So when do you get a break? He's being lazy and selfish. He's opting out and you are carrying him. He's living a single life. He can be social without getting fuckfaced every weekend. He can parent his kids alone. You have to. He's taking the piss out of you.

Yeah I don't get a break at all. I have to badger him to take kids to school in the week maybe once or twice if I'm lucky, even though he is working from home and I have to travel half an hour to work.
I never get a lay in. We have no family help.

Next weekend don't get up until after he does. You don't need to go out to need a lie in.

Then when he starts moaning, tell him that's what he does every single weekend.

I don't think he needs to go into work more. He goes to the gym and socialises there. He could join a club rather than drink every weekend till the early hours. Even then you deserve free time as well. His needs don't trump yours or the needs of your family. Its about balance and compromise.

If I didn't get up he wouldn't get up either, he very much follows my lead with all parenting stuff

Don't get up. Hard as it will be, don't move. Tell him it's his turn while you lie in.

Then watch Rome burn.
He'll never learn until forced.

Long term, get your ducks in a row and divorce.

No it’s pretty off if you still have kids that need a lot of looking after, effectively dumping it all and you and being too hungover to do anything is not on

That's not fair. It's totally unreasonable.

My H works from home. If he's not in a meeting or out for appointment, we both take the kids to school because it's good for the kids. It's also good for the school to see dad. He'll take toil if they have a play or an award ceremony. He wants to be present. If I've had a bad night, he'll tell me to have a lay in, and he'll give the kids breakfast. He's not perfect. I still do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, ironing, 75% of the parentingbut I get the occasional lay in and time out with my mates once every other month.

Sounds like you're parenting him too.

You are the default. You are not his partner. You are not a team. You are his default as well as the kids. He's being selfish and using you like a donkey. You're doing all the heavy lifting while he's an extra weight on your back. I once told my H, when i was doing all the waking nights, that when I'm burnt out and have a breakdown it will all be on him. He can do a bigger percentage now or he can do everything later when I'm unfit to do it. He did step up. It'd not prefect but if it's better.

No I wouldn't find this acceptable at all, especially with the other things you've said about the situation - doesn't sound like he's really pulling his weight at all? He's basically doing what he wants while you do everything at home.

Have you worked out how much all these nights out are costing? My guess is they'd more than cover a train ticket to London.

We're in quite a similar situation: extrovert dp mainly works at home apart from client meetings. He's joined a local running club, which is very sociable and that's helped a lot. On average he does a day a week in London. He meets friends once or twice a month for a drink but he's nearly always home before midnight - he's also not hammered so it doesn't affect the next day. (He also encourages me to go out and do things with my friends, so it's balanced)

When our children were younger, we'd also socialise with other families during the day eg all do a trip or activity together, maybe ending in a quick drink at a child friendly pub.

It is possible to have social interaction without getting plastered.