Son ghosted after 10 months

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Son, 20, is head over heels. He goes to uni with girlfriend. They had lots of plans over Christmas break.

One by one she cancelled plans and stopped responding to his texts over Christmas. He messaged to ask what was wrong and she apologised, told him she was happy in the relationship and didn’t want to end it. Then she continued to ignore general texts over the next week going days without messaging.

He asked again what was up. She hasn’t responded in days. Has just left him on read. He hasn’t text again. He said he would just wait for her reply. But as the days have passed he’s become sad and anxious. Today he tried to call . He was going to ask if she was ok. She didn’t answer his call. Again he knows not to call repeatedly so has accepted he just has to wait for her to contact him. He hopes she will soon, as he can’t sleep and has lost his appetite.

If she doesn’t want to be with him anymore that’s fine, but why won’t she just tell him and end this not knowing. He’s so confused how everything went from great to awful over the six weeks back at home, when they haven’t had a chance to get together more than one day.

It’s breaking my heart seeing him this sad. I had to drop him back to uni today, so his support system is now miles away. He gave his all to the relationship (we did warn against this) and he hasn’t made many friends at uni.

I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless. How can she be so cruel? I would understand if he’d done something awful, but he hasn’t. He’s spent all Christmas hols home and in, gradually getting more disappointed over the cancelled dates.

Is there any possibility she's been unwell, do they have any mutual friends who could clarify whats happening? My ds had this after a 3 year relationship at uni (but she also slept with his best friend on his 21st birthday rather than tell him it was over) Hopefully now they are in the same place again she'll actually tell him whats happening (perhaps she didn't want to break off over the phone /WhatsApp) The only thing you can do as his mum is just check up on him, message, phone, whatever you normally do and make sure he can call you x

It is a hard life lesson but she clearly does not want the relationship to continue. Does he really want to be with someone who treats him like this?
He needs a plan going forward to engage in expanding his social activities and friendship groups.
Can you encourage him to join some groups/ societies? There must be lots of things available. What are his interests?

He should forget her and put all his effort into meeting new people.

I don’t think so. When they previously spoke she apologised for being distance and said she didn’t know why that was. But that she didn’t want to end the relationship.

They don’t have mutual friends, although she has friends he could contact. He doesn’t want to do that though as he felt it was intrusive.

She’s not back to uni until Tuesday I think, if she comes back then, or if she decides to speak to him in person.

Breaking up is hard. But being ghosted like this is awful. It’s not happening to me, but seeing him this past week has upset me deeply too.

I’m so sorry for your son. That is disgraceful behaviour from his ex. I bet that was really hard for you both. I hope he’s come through the other side now. 3 years in as well.

I am broaching it gently with him. I’ve said speak to people, make friends and get out. He’s not feeling much like doing this at the moment, but he said he’ll try.

I know. I agree. I did broach that he should take control, but I don’t think he can at the moment. I think he’s feeling a bit stuck and confused.

Thanks, it was nearly 3 years ago now and it taught him a lot about relationships! At the time it was absolutely awful as she took no responsibility at all and her mother was even worse. Unfortunately these things happen and they just need to find a way of dealing with it.

I know. I just wish he was closer so I could give him a hug when he needs one.
It will all pass. He’s just not ready to hear that yet. Thank you for your advice. It’s nice to know your son is stronger for it and that he learned from his horrible experience.

Hmm. I wonder if she has got someone else in the picture but wants to keep ds hanging in case the new interest doesn't work out?

Ffs they are 20yo, babies. Yes, it’s a shitty thing to do and I’m not condoning it, but guessing she has met someone else and at 20yo does not have the maturity to sensibly and kindly break it off.

Also guessing her strategy is for her shitty behaviour to cause your DS to break it off, hence getting her ‘off the hook’ from doing it herself but it didn’t go to plan.

That’s why 20yo’s shouldn’t have serious relationships, in general they don’t have the maturity to either break it off properly if needed or the maturity to easily accept it’s over and move on.

Agreed, and I say that as someone who’s been with my now -DH since my undergraduate days (we’re now in our 50s). But there’s a reason it doesn’t usually work.

Yes, I do agree. DH and I have been together since we were 15 and have modelled a very loving and affectionate relationship for our son, who’s also an only child. Our son seems to have dived in wholeheartedly into this relationship and felt it may be a forever thing. He doesn’t see that is far more normal for relationships to fail and that doesn’t mean he’s a failure or that he has done something wrong. I guess that is what he’s learning, but it’s such a sad lesson.

I had that same thought. The other possibility is that she has come to the realisation that she wants to end the relationship, but feels she ought to do this in person when they are both back at university. Whatever the explanation, I feel very sorry for the DS. Assuming this was his first serious relationship, I can understand him believing that it would last forever.

I have sons, no daughters. I thought, when I was younger, it was easier for guys when it came to dating, but I was so wrong. My sons seem to get hurt worse and don't get back in saddle as quick as I used to.
I used to tell my youngest son that it is a good job he found out now what she's really like and not when they were married with children and 'you're still young'. I'd tell him this is what dating is all about, finding the right one. My sons didn't like dating. They just wanted to settle down with the right girl and not have to sort through all the wrong ones.
Your son is only 20, and I suspect this might be his first real love. That's always much harder.
I'll admit though after a while I'd slag the girl off (as you say in England) and I'd know when my son was getting over her when he'd join in with the slagging off. He has actually raised some red flags, which he ignored because he was wearing those rose tinted glasses at the time, as we all have.
If I were you, I'd discourage your son from going back to her if she comes back begging. She's taken him for granted, thought he'd always be there for her, so she put him on the shelf for later. She's been seeing someone else, probably a bad boy who was a lot of fun.

My son wanted a relationship like yours. At the time my husband and I did everything together (we farm) and appeared to be best friends to him.
My son went off to kindergarten thinking he was going to meet his future wife there - on the first day of school. He came home so utterly disappointment and told me, "The girls hate the boys and won't even play with us".

He won’t feel this now but better to have first heartbreak at 20 than 40 or 60.

Making friends comes with experience, as long as there are people in the class with him, there is always athat ability to make firends even if he was shy. I have been there myself.

This should be a really good life lesson for him, that you don’t put all your eggs in one basket when it comes to friends and relationships. It’s much better to have a good mix of friends than to rely totally on one person - especially one he’s only known for ten months!!

He could have handled this much better, eg going out over Christmas and seeing friends instead of moping inside waiting for her to ring. It’s also a good lesson about what he wants from a relationship and what he doesn’t, and what he’s happy to put up with…

It's not healthy to have no other relationships other than with a romantic partner and family. He needs to round out his life experience at uni. I've known people meet at uni and go on to marry, but I don't think I know anyone who was in a relationship before uni stay together. Sounds as though he's devoted himself to her at the expense of his own life experience.

I totally agree. Thank you.

He has done. I am going to keep encouraging him to make more friends, talk to people and widen his social circle. He’s a bit of a romantic and a softy; but it’s a lonely place to be without other friends too.

But he presumably doesn’t have other friends because of this relationship!

He needs to recognise how it’s been a cause and effect situation — ie he threw all his energy into the relationship, didn’t look outside it to form friendships, which meant he became unhealthily dependent on his girlfriend, which now means he doesn’t have anyone to phone and be express his puzzlement/sadness/ anger at, and hrs looking at heading back to university in a place where he knows no one other than the girlfriend who’s ghosted him…

It might even be why she has dropped him. I certainly wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who had no friends and was thus totally emotionally dependent on me.

It’s a tough lesson, but far better for him to learn it now than in another year, or two years.