Reminder of childhood trauma & it feels devastated

[Whenlifegiveslemons]

I have a relationships with my mother but we've been estranged & its been a difficult relationship to maintain since I was 16 (now 41).

My mother threw me out when I was 16, black bin bags on step, that was it, no contact for maybe 4 years. I got a minimum wage, full time job, moved in to a flat & my adult life began.

My niece is about to turn 17 & has an apprenticeship, lives at home, spending/saving money however she fancies - what you'd want for your children. Its highlighted how hard that age was for me. I became an adult overnight, responsibilities began then, i was abandonded, i had to take care of myself & my life was minimised and mapped out. My self esteem has never recovered & I think the child in me still asks why, why wasn't i loveable?

(Parents are separated & Dad is similar, he has abandoned his kids & is in a bubble of his own, he suffers depression & in the past has tried a bit with offering money now & again. But years of NC on and off in between. He lived 2 hours away so contact was always limited to a day a month from age 4 & continued to be infrequent in to adulthood).

It's hit me really hard today & im so tearful, the age, it is so so young - I feel so incredibly sad for my younger self. For all the care, love & guidance I didn't recieve when i needed it, the help I wasn't offered, the support that wasn't there in the hardest, most lonely years of my life.

i was 17 and had to just navigate life alone, there was nobody, a few friends. I lived in self destruct mode for years after - drugs abuse/alcohol/eating disorder/toxic relationships/self harm/attempted suicide.

I did manage to find my way. I now have my own family, a stable life and home. But i feel so sad that I had those years at such a young vulnerable age with literally nobody. My mother has no idea what she caused, how hard she made my life.

Im not sure my point for this post, I just wanted to release some thoughts I guess.

Lovie, it wasn't you – it was her, and him. Some people are just shit parents, sadly you got landed with a pair of them. I work with people like you, who have a deeply seated belief that it was something they did or said or didn't do or say, or simply who they were that caused them to be rejected, and it's NEVER true.

You should be hugely proud of the way your life has turned out, though your own efforts and good personality and despite the circumstances against you. Always remember that.

I'm so sorry OP. I don't understand how any mother could do that. You are incredibly strong to have made your way as you have but you shouldn't have had to. You were such a vulnerable age. You deserved so much better. I wonder if you have or would consider talking to a therapist?

Thank you, I appreciate your words & kindess so much. I am proud, but I struggle to truly understand the concept of pride to be honest i dont know why but it feels alien. Im glad my life has turned out good, I know that was mostly down to my own grit & determination. But to still have a mother who will never realise the pain shes caused, never goes, I live with it & I find that so hard. I want to find peace with it. As a mother myself now, I only ever want my children to feel loved, every single day.

It was such a vulnerable age - i was so young, at the time I hust got on with it but now I realise how young that was to deal with life alone. Ive been ib therapy for nearly 2 years now, it does help me process. But i struggle so much to let it all go-maybe I never will and I need to accept that.

I’m sorry you had to go through this. Hope you’re ok x

Sadly your mother doesn't care that she caused you so much pain and difficulty as a young adult. She is a selfish, self-centred woman who ut her iwn desures and needs before yours. She doesn't deserve to have a wonderful, strong daughter who ought to be proud of herself and her achievements in life.
Imho, your mother should reap what she sowed, so I do hope that you have no intention of ever offering her any care in her old age/illness, or allowing her to have relationships with your children. She really doesn't deserve to have an active part in your family.

I am so sorry for you .
I am a mom of 3 and i can't imagine doing this to them , my youngest is a 17 year old girl and i know it would destroy her if this happened to her.
To know they have a safe loving home means the world to me surely that is our role when we choose to be a parent.
Your mother failed you spectacularly and is not worthy of a loving mother/daughter relationship.
Save your love and energy for your own family , you have achieved something wonderful despite being shown what not to do from a young age and you are loved by them, you should be very proud.
I'm not sure i would be seeing my mother if i was in your shoes.
I hope you find peace .

I’m using a different username to usual here.

I left honest 15. Kicked out and dropped off with all my belongings to the house owned by an older boyfriend. It was all so wrong.

He was an alcoholic and abusive. Unknown to me at the time he’d received caution for sexual activity against a minor ( me) yet still I got dropped off there the weekend before my GCSEs started.

Quite how I managed those years I don’t know. I was exposed to a lot of things I shouldn’t have. No one in positions of authority saw it for what it was. I left a couple of days after my sixteenth birthday and found lodgings ( who tried to recruit me into a religious group). The “boyfriend” remains in my life for several years. Very very controlling.

I don’t really recall the end point. But he moved onto a younger girl and had a child. Even now people don’t see him for the paedophile he is.

I was lost, without family care and only my friends for support. Those friends are my family now.

Its taken years to process it all. I’m still processing it and I’m a little older that you.

My mother had no ability to be a loving mother. Abandoned by her own mother in early teens.

Personally now I feel that whilst I was making bad decisions I was no where near as difficult as some of the young people I’ve worked with other the years. There was no drugs, a little alcohol use and some sneaky fags. A little trouble at school but a good student. I was so bright. Undisagnosed ADHD and a little firey.

The best job I’ve ever had is working with young people who are living outside their family home. I see a lot of my feelings in them and can genuinely understand them ( I need to go back to that job).

Back then 16/17 year olds leaving home wasn’t uncommon. Legally we were children but society treated us like adults. School and College knew my situation. No one did a thing. Now there are legal protections and support. I ensure all those know I worked with know about section 20 so they get support into early adulthood.

As I look at my children now ( late teens/early adulthood) there is no way I could do what my parents did. I’m trying my hardest to be a loving , caring , emotionally attached parent but I have no role model for this transition.

Breaking the cycle is hard. But I can do hard and so can you. Work through these valid feelings.

Also my relationship with my mother is low contact.

I recently challenged my father on some comments he made about me just before Christmas ( waiting for me to come good?!) about how I have done exceptionally well for myself considering I left home at 15.
He was a knob and mocked me so I wished him a merry Christmas and haven’t called him since.

I don’t actually recall my father being involved at all in this. Too busy off with yet another woman building a life with her and her children no doubt….

You are a rock star that younger you would have been amazed at. Grieving for your younger self shows empathy -allow yourself to feel and move on towards the life you’ve earned.

Thank you, i appreciate your wisdom. Im really conflicted with it. She does deserve to reap what she sowed & i have no intention to ever be there for her through ill health, shes at arms length. If i go no contact again, i worry my children may see that as ok & that would allow history to repeat itself. And I dont want to be bitter or have continued conflict, but maybe thats self sacrafice. The r'ship she has with my children isn't a strong one, she has seen them three times in years.

I can't even imagine OP. DS is 19 and still has so much help and support from us, I couldn't imagine him just being left to fend for himself now, let alone when he was years younger than he is now.

Things so easily could have gone differently OP so you should be really proud that you have managed to build yourself a stable family life.

Not excusing your mother but who knows what sort of childhood she had or what she went through (I don't know though, maybe you do know). She might have MH issues, have a personality disorder born out of trauma or she might just be a thoroughly unpleasant person. But whatever the case she just wasn't able to be the mother you needed and that is down to her, not you.

This is why its hitting me i think, seeing my niece & realising how young 17 is. I cant imagine her being out in the world alone, she's still a child. As I was.

I certainly don't have a mother daughter r'ship, it hasn't been since I was a child. I rely on her for nothing. We very recently got back in touch (she approached me( as I feel thats what i should do. But on the sporadic occasions I see her, hurt & pain resurfaces. I just cant let it all go. Weve never spoken about any of it. She has never acknowledged it.

I think she wants contact because she has poor health & is lonely, it's for her own purpose, not mine.

Thank you, I think I need to do this - go with all the emotions, stop shutting them off. Just go with them and hopefully I will end with finding peace within.

Bravery is facing up to the reality of your past and the effect it has had on you.

Understanding is seeing the present situation as it really is.

Strength is deciding that you will not repeat the cycle, and that your children's lives will be different.

You have all of these. You should feel very proud of yourself.

I could have wirrten this post, but not as eloquently as you.

So sorry. You deserved better, and the trigger is totally understandable.

My goodness, what a life you endured. Im so sorry you went through so much. Sounds like you were failed by those who were supposed to look after you too. Im glad your life came good, thanks to you!

When I was 15 & still at home, I used to spend endless days & nights wired & on drugs at a man's house who was double my age, with a friend of my age. It was squalor, I barely slept or ate - she never asked where I was going or who I was with. She didnt care.

She left home at 15 on her own terms, she had a good relationship with her parents (who were actually more like my parents because they were very consistent in my life when though aging themselves). I dont think my mother is capable of true emotional attachment. Shes very toxic & a narcissist.

I appreciate your sharing so much.

I try so hard to be a loving and emotionally attached mother - its very hard as my role model didn't role play this. I will absolutely never abandon my children & will always lead with love & good intention for them. I fear id become like her & not realise.

I think she had a tough childhood on some terms - her mother was often critical of her, she always really lacked instability as an adult - shes never been an easy person to be around, never kept friends for long, lots of house moves catastrophic break ups, financial issues & without doubt mental health issues.

I try to empathise but it's really limited as I could never do to my children what she has done & will never be able to fully accept it. Hopefully that will come, one day.

Im so sorry you've experienced similar. It is a real burden to live with, the roots really are so deep. I feel its every day work to rid the feelings of what they did. Sending love & hope to you x

These words, saving forever. Thank you so much x

Similar story here. Op, what was your teenaged selfs favorite food? Music? Film? Can you mother yourself a bit now, treat yourself to those things and bring that 16 year old in from the cold? There’s a part of you still at that age needing love, you can chat to her, reassure and care for her like your parents never did. This can be incredibly healing. X

To be kicked out at 16 and left to fend for yourself is traumatising. You would have been in survival mode and it’s so great that you are now in a secure and stable place in your life. You made this happen. You were massively failed by your mother and you owe her nothing.

Focus on you and your little family. Have a read up on complex PTSD, it’s a relational trauma. I can recommend a great book; Children of emotionally immature parents, by Lindsay Gibson ( I think)

Lots of self care, parent yourself, show yourself the care you show to your children. Do not be drawn into any emotional blackmail or caring duties as your mother ages. She needs to reap what she’s sown.

Depending on age of children, I’d be honest with them in age appropriate way, about your childhood and why you do not have a relationship with your mother. Don’t hide it, don’t protect her. Be honest with them, you should be so proud of yourself.

Absolutely 👍

Im sorry your story is similar, its a really hard one to digest. I recognise my teenage self & what she went through but honestly I dont known her at all, I dont think she knew herself. She was so lost in childhood/teens - so much happened, she saw so much - she shrunk to become invisible I think, didn't ever want to be seen or ruffle any feathers. I cant remember her likes or dislikes, favourite anything. Its like she never existed as a happy teen - all i remember was trauma. I've never thought about this at all until now - its so sad.

There’s a theory that we exile these parts of ourselves as they are so painful, and recovery is to reintegrate them. It might be worth spending some time on this, as you would have had preferences at the time ans I’m sure could access that prt of yourself. You’re right, it’s incredibly sad and shocking that our parents allowed it to happen.