DH snooping, reading private journals

[Beetlebum89]

NC for this. Sorry, it's long.

For context; I'm a hobby writer, publish online blogs etc. Talk about my writing regularly. Amateur novelist. Im also an avid journaler, which I've done since my teens.

I'm autistic, I often get my words confused etc. Verbal communication i often jumble. I am much better writing and am able to convey myself concisely & accurately through writing. I also have mega anxiety, so writing helps me process my thoughts & feelings as well as make sense of the world around me.

The issue; My DH has recently confessed to snooping & reading my personal journals. I'm rather upset by this. He's previously shown zero interest in any of my writing and to be honest, if he had of asked to read my journals (or my online blogs) I'd have happily let him & had active discussions/conversation about the contents.

I feel it's a massive breach of trust & invasion of my privacy yet DH felt entitled to actively Snoop to search for my journal. He's now upset because some of the pages didn't paint him in a favourable light.

Part of me wonders "maybe I shouldn't write things down" but part of me also thinks "I should be able to write & have my privacy respected".

Thoughts?

Wow, he deserves to read exactly what you have just written here. How dare he go poking into your private stuff? Just because you are married doesn't give him the right to do that. I journal on my password protected laptop but you might prefer pen and paper so get to the shops today and buy a lockable box. Something that will remind him that he is snooping and should be ashamed of himself.

He is most definitely wrong to have done this. Nobody ever reads a diary or journal without knowing they are breaking a trust, your privacy.

You would be wholly entitled to rage at him for this. Has he said why he went snooping?

Hi OP I never write thoughts down as I think it will always be tempting for someone to read. I don’t think it ever does anyone any good to hear our innermost thoughts. Even issues which should be tackled will sound more brutal when not framed in a way which softens the blow. Can you type them and save them or find a hiding place. I don’t know how you mend this bridge but try not to judge him harshly if you have a good relationship generally. I’m not excusing his behaviour I just think it’s human nature to be tempted unfortunately.

My journal is electronic and locked by facial recognition because if anyone read it, I would be mortified. For me it’s an unforgivable invasion of privacy. Sometimes when I write there it’s to release the events of the day and I read it back and laugh at how extreme my reaction was or how insignificant the events now seem. Having to justify my writing or placate someone who has read it and was offended by it… just no.

Is he at least a little ashamed by his actions or merely looking to punish you for your thoughts?

Just read the reply above. The journal is for me. It’s not intended for a wider audience. It’s one of the very few spaces I can talk unedited. Where I don’t have to consider anyone else. Where I can let it out. It’s a very therapeutic tool for me to manage my emotions and process events.

I think the phrase “fuck around and find out” applies to your husband here. I don’t keep a diary/journal myself but no good ever comes of reading someone else’s innermost thoughts. Per a PP, has he said why he decided to snoop? You should not feel bad about what you’ve written. It was never intended for anyone but you.

I keep a journal for the same reasons as you and would be really upset if this happened to me. I would find it really hard to forgive, especially since he deliberately went looking for it rather than it was lying around and he opened it not knowing what it was. You are entitled to space and privacy to write down and process your thoughts, even if they're not flattering to him. Was he at least apologetic?

It’s a bit like people who listen at keyholes never hear any good of themselves….

I mean someone said to me once if you wouldn’t want someone else to read it don’t write it down - there’s a lot of sense in that

a friend of a colleague died suddenly and her diaries were there and her kids were devastated- clearly she favoured one over the other 2, had affairs, basically lived a bit of a double life, wasn’t the person they thought. They were heartbroken and struggled with the loss of their mother/wife but also dealing with the deception of it all and how she wasn’t who they thought at all. Extreme example but your husband would presumably clear your stuff if you died in a freak accident ?????

I've just re-read your post and actually i think it's made worse by fact that he has never been interested in your writing in the form of fiction/blogs that were intended for other people to read, and instead went searching for your private journals. It shows such a lack of respect for you.

He knows what he has done is a big breach of privacy and trust. If he thought it was ok he would have said, hey @Beetlebum89 pass me your journal because I'd like to read it. Tell him you are angry that he has done that but don't expect that to be enough to stop him doing it again because he doesn't care if it's wrong or upsets you.

Lock it away if you can. If you can't do that for whatever reason, write it as creative writing. Use characters and vary the subject slightly. You will know what you are writing about. He might guess but if you keep referring to a character as a nosy, insecure twat, at least he might not have the cheek to try to discuss it with you.

Urgh gross. You don't sound angry enough tbh. And as for responding to this disgusting behaviour by thinking perhaps you shouldn't write things down, that is seriously fucked up thinking. Do you always take responsibility for other people's thoughts, feelings and behaviours?

It’s gross that your husband did this and he absolutely should be ashamed of himself and apologetic.

A tip for anyone who wants to write their thoughts and feelings but isn’t bothered about going back to read it at a later date is to make it unreadable. You can do this by writing with no spaces or punctuation and then turning the page 90 degrees and continuing to write in the same way over the top of it. You will have got your thoughts down but any prying eyes won’t be able to read it.

My partner keeps a journal & the thought of reading it absolutely horrifies me. If ever I see it lying open I quickly close it. I would feel dirty if I were to snoop into it without being invited. (The fact he knows this is probably why he feels confident leaving it about!)

I think this is a normal feeling & the real issue for you is why your DH felt differently - what is says about you, & your relationship, & how to move on from it.

I’d suggest sitting him down & explaining this is a real issue & discussing together how you can look into what’s going on. For me this would probably mean some kind of couples’ therapy - it would be that big an issue.

I deviate from other posters in that I would not buy a lockable journal. I would continue writing as normal, expressly stating that you do not expect him to read it or consent to his doing so. This is because the core issues here- trust and privacy - need to be dealt with openly & constructively & I do not think making a big deal out of now needing a lock would be constructive. Rather, you need to work on your relationship so that the lock is not needed- he respects your privacy!

Must have been very upsetting - you have my sympathy.

Well, it is said that eavesdroppers never hear any good about themselves, and he did the written version of eavesdropping His hurty feelings about what he read is on him, as well he should know.

Given that everyone did this when writing letters back when postage was expensive (it was called ‘crossing’ or ‘crosshatching’ your letters — Ma does it when writing to family in the Little House on the Prairie series), I hate to break it to you, but it’s not that difficult to read, unless your writing is illegible anyway.

I would buy a lockable metal box and carry on writing.

It's unforgivable, OP. I would rarely suggest that someone considers ending their marriage but, in this case, it is verging on sufficiently serious.

This would be an egregious breach of trust for me, I’m not sure I could get past it.

Absolutely unforgivable.

He would come home from work & I'd be sat at the kitchen table, writing. So he knew I had it (a journal). It wasn't a secret per se. If he'd asked to take a look, I'd have given it to him.

His excuse for snooping... He said it was like a DARE, like I was daring him to read it (by being sat at the table with it, in the open). Now I'd understand the 'temptation' if I'd just left the journal sitting there, on the table. But it wasn't. I actually had a few different hiding spots (clearly not very good ones!) Which I'd rotate. So he's actively & deliberately gone searching for it.

He's not sorry. He feels justified because in his mind "it clarified things". What's worse, is he is a very poor communicator. He doesn't talk, ignores me quite a lot. Very selfish, likes to do his own thing. If only he'd talked to me, I could have told him xyz. Instead of him thinking he needed to invade my inner most thoughts. I'm more disappointed I think. I'm angry too about the lack of respect.

He shows a complete disinterest in me/my life/my writing, except for when he thinks I might be writing things about HIM. Then he snoops, instead of initiating a conversation.

I agree with what someone said, if I were to accidentally fall off the perch, I'd hate for my family to read the things I may have written in the heat of the moment, without ever being able to clarify or explain the context.

My ex husband did this with me just after I decided to leave him and went as far as to take photos and showed my parents and a few of my siblings some of the awful things I had written about him and to be fair some of it was really fucking awful and I got some backlash from one sister in particular because it was quite cruel but it was private and the fucking idiot kept on reading lol so no sympathy from me lol.
I would never ever snoop in someone’s diary or go through their messages for exactly that reason lol what people wanna write about me is nothing to do with me.
We do laugh about it now (not the ex as he is in prison because it turns out he is a total cunt and a lot of what I wrote is true) and some of the things I wrote because although cruel I did do a good job of adding some humour to my ramblings

Given your latest post, @Beetlebum89, I don't really understand why you are with this man! It doesn't sound like you are in the loving relationship you deserve.

You hate to break it to me? Oh dear 🤣
well I hate to break it to you that my writing is nowhere near as neat as that, and like I said, no spaces or punctuation, I can assure you it is completely unreadable 😁 Enjoy the rest of your day

Your marriage doesn’t sound great. What do you love about him? What do you get out of being with him? Do you want to stay with him?

He has breached your trust unforgivably. I’d find it hard to trust him again.