OCD and debilitating anxiety

[Alwaysworrying25]

I have listed this before in the mental health thread but didn't get much response. It's a long read so I apologise. I don't know what else to do and I don't even know why I'm saying all this, but I have no friends and family or any support network to tell about this and I'm dying inside. I cant cope.

I have OCD and my main theme is my health, or dying. Lately, I've begun obsessing and constantly worrying about dying. I'm terrified I'll die suddenly, or my heart will just stop, I'm scared to go out, scared to drive, scared to do anything, I'm scared to be home alone in case my heart stops and no one is around to try and save me. I'm scared to sleep in case I don't wake up.

I have visions and mental images of myself being dead. In a coffin. In hospital. It terrifies me. They are clear pictures iny mind. I have sudden thoughts that one day I will die and cease to exist. And I can't comprehend the idea of not being alive. It makes my blood run cold, my stomach drops, my heart races, I feel sick. This is a daily thing, all day every day.

I have a young son with special needs. The thought of me dying and not being here for him also makes me scared and anxious. It's not a fleeting thought. It's constant. I'm too scared to take medications in case they harm me or cause me fatal health problems. I don't try new foods, in case I'm allergic and I die. I dont go new places alone because I'm scared. I can't wait to put my son to bed at night because if he is tucked in bed, he is safe. I worry that if something happens to me, he will die too because who will take care of him. I'm scared when I bathe him, in case my heart stops and he will drown. If I die, he will be alone and hungry and starve to death. I spend my days just crying and feeling sick.

I'm very overweight. I know this increases my risk of dying suddenly. If I'm not worrying about my heart stopping, I'm worrying about a brain aneurysm or a blood clot, any sudden death, and it's the actual dying and nothingness that terrifies me.

Sorry this is long. I just don't know where to put all this. Ive and CBT and it just doesn't work. I'm so terrified all of the time. I don't know how to cope anymore. I cannot make this go away. Sometimes I wonder if I need to be sent to a mental hospital or something.

Sertraline. I know you're scared to take it, but once it starts working you won't be worried about it. You sound like how I used to be (although my anxieties were less health related and more to do with contamination etc). I put off taking meds for 10 years, and I could kick myself for that... 10 years I could have been happy and relaxed, actually enjoying life. Sertraline has transformed my life. At least go and have a chat with your GP about it.

Take care OP 💐

Please go back and see your GP - you definitely need more support with this. CBT can work but probably needs to be combined with medication like SSRIs to be effective.

I think your condition is exacerbated by the fact that you have a young child with additional needs who is dependent on you. I have a severely autistic and learning disabled son, he's 32 now. It was always my greatest fear and worry what would happen to him if/when I die (as we all will someday) but he is now happily settled in supported living with full time care and it's greatly increased his independence. I visit him often and can see how happy he is. It's a relief to have put that in place. Maybe you would feel better if you had a plan in place for your son's support as he gets older?

You say you're very overweight and you obviously know that is going to have implications for your health. Please speak to your GP about getting some help with weight loss and adopting a healthier lifestyle too. Your son needs you to be healthy and if you are working towards a healthier lifestyle, it might help to ease your intrusive thoughts also.

i have a DD with severe anxiety and OVD so I know how debilitating it can be, hers is the “just right” type. There’s a lot of stigma and misconceptions around OCD and it’s a lot more than just liking. Your house clean and your cupboards rosy. It’s a horrible illness.

please look up either the OVD society or OCD-Action UK as a good place to get loads of info. ERCP is generally thought of as the treatment for OVD not CBT and OCD doesn’t just go away on its own. SSRIs are usually needed too with the Mose used one sertraline (it can have some unpleasant side-effects whilst your body gets used to it but don’t give up many people have said it’s a life saver).

you need to go back to your GP and explain how much your life is affected by your OCD, get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist, this will help you access the proper specialist care.

good luck OP it’s tough but you can get through it