Grieving but not grieving

[Beakthrough]

DH died. I miss the father of my DC, I miss having practical help, but I'm also feeling strange sense of freedom for myself.

I'm devastated that my DC have lost their Dad, but I don't think that's the same as grieving my husband?

It's all come to a head because I've finally got round to clearing his things. TBH I think I was putting it off because I was scared of what I might find.

I'd long suspected he was lying to me. I won't say what it was about because many will think it was insignificant. That's why I mostly carried on, rather than facing it. When I did try he would gaslight me and convince me I was imagining things. But, it mattered to me and he knew that. I also just hate lying, even over the small stuff.

So, I've found something in a pocket yhat proves I was right all along. What do you do with that kind of information? 30 years we were married.

Oh that's difficult for you OP.

Dealing with bereavement is always complicated but especially in situations like yours.

You feel how you feel and don't be manoeuvred into a situation of behaving how other people think you should behave after this loss.

I'm so sorry OP that you are having to deal with this.

It sounds like complex grief. Someone I know writes about this (sorry, I won't link because obviously it outs her, and me!). Her husband died, but during and after his death she found out various things that were pretty awful, and which obviously coloured the way she responded to his death.

From what she writes, I think what you are feeling is totally normal. You shouldn't feel bad about any part of it. And, if she's representative (and she has researched the subject; she's not just going off her own experience), it would also be normal to go through stages of feeling something more like 'conventional' grief and also stages of feeling the way you do, or feeling angry, or feeling cheated out of 'conventional' grief.

I hope you can get to a place where you feel better.

We can never know all of a person. On death "secrets" have that way of worming themselves out, but be aware, sometimes those secrets are not what they seem either. They can be choices never made.

I have been going through my own "memory box" with the view that my years on this planet are a lot fewer than those I've already lived. The trinkets I've kept could cause my DH to question my commitment in the early days - they could upset him, or anyone who clears out my stuff... so things have been removed, and sold as the imagining of hurt if I don't, outweighs the memories I still have.

I hear you OP. I think many spouses feel this way but most just go through the motions and read their lines for the sake of those around them. Other people really don't know what goes on inside your marriage and often it's best that way.

In your position, if he was a good father and they loved him, I would not want to affect my DCs' memories. So I would try to focus on the 'good dad' part of things.

Thirty years is a lot of water under the bridge but if he was lying and deliberately stringing you along about it too, I can imagine you have very mixed feelings.