IVF vs Adoption

[StillBelieving2]

I just need to chat with someone I dont know.
We've been through the wringer trying to have a second child, after a very lucky first round of IVF. More attempts, various health issues and delays have made it a difficult very drawn our journey that was almost complete - but now facing another 3-6 months set back. I'm exhausted of the wait. So am considering adoption.
My other half does not feel the same. He is in the boat "keep trying and if it doesnt work it isnt meant to be" and isn't keen at all in adoption.
But I can't give up on having more children. I'm just feeling a bit lost... anyone's partner warm to the idea of adoption? Anyone just general words of wisdom?

I think you've written this perfectly and accurately @poppetandmog 💐

Having worked in this area many, many years ago, I know the situation has likely worsened and not improved.

Thank you so much for posting this, I was itching to post but literally sitting on my hands to avoid being the Bad Fairy of Adoption. Again. I’m a single adopter of nearly two decades. Sadly, I would not recommend adoption at all for all the reasons outlined on this page. I also wanted to make the point to the OP that adopting to give your child a sibling could backfire spectacularly. Your birth child could witness or experience behaviours, such as child-on-parent violence and abuse or sibling abuse. I’m heartened by this thread as I hope the message that adoption is HARD is sinking in for the general public. It is absolutely not a happy-ever-solution. For anyone. A couple of more prosaic points, the process is likely to become even more stringent and longer in the wake of the murder of Preston Davey, and there just is no support at all. My regional adoption agency now has a waiting list of a minimum of 14 months for families living in crisis situations to be allocated a post-adoption social worker.

We explored adoption a little bit but decided against it. We had issues to overcome such as lack of a support network (parents all dead) and my now ex husband having a history of depression. Mainly though, I was worried about the impact it could have on my son. Adoption is rarely being given a young baby. Newborns are often removed from mothers and then fostered for several months or longer while their mothers fight to have them returned and/or to improve their circumstances. A lot of children waiting for families are much older and have experienced trauma. If I hadn’t already had my son I would have applied for sure but we chose not to and I have no regrets about having an only child.

Honestly, I don't think IVF is really a comparable alternative to adoption. Not in this country, at least.

With IVF, you are still conceiving and birthing a baby that is usually genetically related to the two of you (so you are aware of their medical and social history) and they are with you from day 1 (hopefully). You are raising a child who is genetically yours, and hasn't experienced the trauma of abuse or separation. Both of which are often relevant with adopted children.

Adoption is taking a child who very likely has a known social history of a troubled familial background plus genetic and congenital tendencies for mental illness, neurodiversity and behavioural issues. You likely won't meet them early on and won't be raising them from birth. Their known history is likely to only be part of their full story.

In my personal opinion, adoption and fostering shouldn't be "advertised" as a way of helping people with fertility issues become parents. The motivation for the adoptive parents should be something other than merely fulfilling their desire to raise children as their own because it isn't the same as conceiving and raising your biological children.

I think as adopted children are more able to know who their biological families are and are more able to independently contact them and have contact with siblings etc, we can't keep treating adoption as the same as biological parenthood. It's a different realm.

This isnt anything to do with how you can feel about your adopted family/child or how much you can love them or whether you can love them as much as bio family. Of course you can, but the part of their life that comes from their biological ties can't be ignored and in fact, has to be part of your conversation with them as soon as they can converse with you.

I think egg and sperm donation and in another way, surrogacy are slightly different and are comparable to conceiving and birthing your own baby. Although you may not be genetically related or in the case of surrogacy, carried the baby, but you are usually more aware of their background and with surrogacy, are there from day 1 in the way that was preplanned.