IVF vs Adoption

[StillBelieving2]

I just need to chat with someone I dont know.
We've been through the wringer trying to have a second child, after a very lucky first round of IVF. More attempts, various health issues and delays have made it a difficult very drawn our journey that was almost complete - but now facing another 3-6 months set back. I'm exhausted of the wait. So am considering adoption.
My other half does not feel the same. He is in the boat "keep trying and if it doesnt work it isnt meant to be" and isn't keen at all in adoption.
But I can't give up on having more children. I'm just feeling a bit lost... anyone's partner warm to the idea of adoption? Anyone just general words of wisdom?

I understand your frustration re IVF but I think you both have to be completely onboard for adoption.
How old are you both? Do you already have frozen embryos in storage ready to use?

They’re two entirely different things, and in no way comparable. The adoption process is pretty gruelling and intensive, with no guarantees at the far end, so both people will need to be absolutely on board or there’s no chance you’ll be approved. Plus you need to have stopped IVF for a minimum period before starting the adoption process, agree to use contraception during it, and to be very sure you’re done with grieving not being able to conceive your biological child, so there will also be delays there. Bear in mind that adopting a child will have, in all likelihood, a different set of impacts on your existing child to having a younger biological sibling.

Aside from other issues, adoption will never be a quick solution (quite rightly).

I hate saying this as I'm adopted, and I understand there are lots of children that need loving homes ... however, all of the people i know who have adopted have really been through the mill with their behaviour/adolescence/birth families. It's not for the faint hearted and will have a huge impact on your current DC.

I'd be happy with your one DC and drawn a line under it tbh.

I had the same approach as your DH when we had secondary infertility, and for me I think it was the healthiest attitude. We continued trying but left it up to fate and accepted that if it didn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be. Neither of us really considered adoption, because we are very private people and we knew we'd resent the intrusion. I believe it's quite a long process, certainly longer than 3-6m.

I don’t think it’s fair to any children coming from adoption for one of their adoptive parents to ace had to ‘warm’ to the idea. It needs to be both actively want it. I say this as someone who has one child from many cycles of IVF, I would have adopted a second but my husband didn’t want to. He didn’t feel he would love an adopted child as much as his own and that was the end of that conversation.

Thank you all.

Adoption was always on the cards for me I felt, I wanted a large family and that included adoption before we had any fertility issues.

The 3-6 months hasn't created a knee jerk reaction, it's been on my mind for some time now due to the various tests and issues in that, if we're unable to have any more I'd like to explore adoption. I appreciate its not a quick fix and I'm not wishing to rush it. We live away from family and I would like our son to have siblings for the future too. I know it won't be easy, but none of our journey has been... the 3-6 months is do-able, but don't underestimate that, when its been 2+ years of...just 3 more months. Now another vague 'few months', let's try this for a few months. Its hard..

We have exhausted our frozen embryos and recent tests have been to have another round if possible. Which we're aware mightn't work and now 38, our options are becoming limited.

I just feel having wanted another child for so long, desperate to give my son a sibling (mightn't be everyone's preference but I'm from and initially wanted a large family) so its important to me, to go through years of fighting to... nothing? Where does that want/need for children go? I appreciate my partners view and understand if it isnt his choice but just feel a bit lost.

Adoption isn’t a consolation prize for infertility, it should be a desire on its own separate to a persons fertility, this may be the case for you, but maybe not your husbands’.

Adoption is its own path to parenthood and should be entered with a wholehearted desire for a child via adoption for all parties involved, the relevant professional parties required to start the adoption will be able to see if one parent desires it more than the other.

They will also want for you to have a break from fertility treatments before you start the adoption process.

I have friends going through the adoption process at the moment and it is intense.

They’ve had to attend workshops, online training, books to read, social workers visiting their house to check it’s up to standard and then making it up to standard, passing each assessment.

Plus are you ready to take on a child (it won’t be a baby) with a troubled background?

I get that it's difficult. I'd recommend some specialist therapy so you have somewhere you can work through your feelings, and hopefully preserve your marriage. I saw some friends, who were (and are) an incredibly devoted childless couple. almost divorce in heartbreaking circumstances when IVF didn't work and one wanted to pursue adoption and the other didn't. They resolved it, but it was a really, really difficult time for them.

I think your husband has the right idea. Adoption is no walk in the park as most children up for adoption have had difficult lives so far. It is very rare that a normal healthy woman gives up a baby for adoption. Most children have been removed from parents who are struggling to cope through their own mental health problems, addiction, or neurodiversity. These things are in the children's DNA and may also be coupled with attachment difficulties through neglect or exposure to domestic abuse. The families that I know who have adopted have had a tough time.

Thank you. That was the point of my post really, facing a stalemate after all options are explored.

We already know it shouldn't be a consolation choice for failed fertility or underestimate how hard it will be both from the process and the future shaping of our family with an adopted child and their history and all that comes with it or the relationship for our current son. Its about growing our family and deciding if we explore other options or not and how that will impact us all.

I was hoping someone had a similar experience who explored adoption when it initially wasnt a choice they/their partner had planned. I think therapy is a great shout thank you..

Adoption isn't really best thought of as an alternative to IVF. It's a completely different ball game in terms of process but also (more importantly) the challenges of caring for an adopted child. These days it's unlikely that you will be able to adopt a baby- more likely it will be a child who has had experience of abuse or serious neglect. You will also generally need to facilitate ongoing contact with the birth parents,

You may know all this already but it's worth bearing in mind in relation to your partner's position. It's a huge challenge and not one that you should try and talk somebody into- both potential adoptive parents need to be fully and freely committed.

Look, realistically, a lot of people who adopt, or who consider adoption seriously, come to it after failed fertility treatment, so it's not that it's not a 'consolation prize', or that many people who adopt probably wouldn't have adopted had their been able to have biological children. That's why adoption agencies often stipulate a minimum period between the end of fertility treatment and starting the adoption assessment process, to give time to grieve and put the idea of biological children behind you. Because it's messy and complicated for a lot of people.

It's also why they stipulate using contraception, so that they don't spend money and resources on assessing adopters, only to have them drop out at a late stage because they've conceived.

But adoption is something both people have to be absolutely on board with. You will be probed and questioned in a very detailed way, and no one with reservations will make it through the first hurdles.

You can't make someone want this, and even if you were able to persuade your partner to go through the motions convincingly enough to get through the process, it would be a real trainwreck when you landed at home with a small, confused, challenging child.

See if you can find specialist counselling. And be kind to yourself. This is really hard.

We were approved adopters (1 Birth DC). A child of 6 was placed with us (whom I loved straight away..) sadly the placement broke down after 7 weeks (and nearly broke our marriage). I grieve what could have been but also make the best of my life, and take comfort that the child returned to his foster carers long term.

God, that's terribly tough. I can imagine it being marriage-shredding. 💐

@StillBelieving2MN has an adoption board which you may find useful. I did during the process etc. Sadly there is a (private) Facebook group for people whose adoptions broke down which I use a little.

Top cat I'm so sorry to hear it was so tough for you, I can't even imagine - thank you fimor sharing and will definitely look into the Adoption board

I went through 6 cycles and 4 transfers with no success. Husband and I discussed mid-way and agreed we will try until I decide to stop; we have our remaining embryos frozen and I have decided to end the journey because I can’t risk another miscarriage.

Adoption is a very individual thing, we are “lucky” we are both on the same page: it’s our own or nothing.

You need an honest conversation with your partner, and either accept his wishes or do it on your own. IMO you can’t force someone to go through a tedious process or love a child that’s not genetically his/hers.

I know this is an older post, but I think many couples are not on the same page when it comes to adoption but find a resolution. Its a hard journey. I speak as skmeone whose last child was stillborn. I wanted to try again OH didnt. We didnt in the end. Im ok with ot now but it took many years.