Attitudes to parental roles when one of you isn't working

[Echobelly]

We're out of the wood with this one now our kids are older, but it has been an issue in the past. Both DH and I have been out of work at times since our kids were born, him especially as he tends to work contracts.

My longest stretch was after DS was born and I'd been made redundant at end of mat leave (along with other team members, nothing to do with me having a baby) but that wasn't so bad as I couldn't afford childcare for 2 kids on my salary anyway. Also it was psychologically quite easy because if people asked what I was doing I could say 'I'm at home with baby now, but I'm looking for a job' and no one would think anything of it because I'm a woman. But they might judge a man more for it - although maybe not now with a higher profile for paternity leave and men picking up more.

DH would feel much more self-conscious about being present at the school gates (this was pre-COVID and I think it's probably less of an issue now where you might just be WFH, not out of work). He would also, for example, insist he couldn't ask for a different interview slot due to childcare responsibilities, something I did a number of times. I found his view both annoying and interesting - as a woman, you expect people to understand that (TBH, you don't even necessarily mention the reason why, you just say 'Sorry, I can't do that time, can you do....?) but would a man be seen as unreliable if he said he had to pick up kids or do men feel asking for a different slot just sounds flaky? And has that changed since we had that discussion, probably about 8+ years ago now?

Are jobhunting mums and dads are still held to different standards about what their priorities should be and how 'OK' it is for them to not be working?

Given that the % of women in leadership roles has actually decreased. That women are 4 times more likely to request flexible working for children under age of 6, that women still overwhelmingly bear the burden of caring responsibilities (for elderly relatives as well as children) and that single parent households are 90% of the time headed by women would indicate that there is still very much a gender bias when it comes to men and women in the workplace and perception around roles - men are less likely to ask for flexible working because their remains a perception that children/caring is a woman’s job. If men dont see their colleagues ask (and get granted) flexible working the there is a perception it’s “not manly” to ask and fear it will affect their careers whereas women/mothers generally have no choice but to ask and take the hit

I think perceptions have shifted somewhat in the last few years - in my last and current job I've noticed way more blokes having what's clearly a drop-off or pick up time marked in their calendar, or mentioning it in meetings. And loads more men taking 3 months pat leave - though I have been working in businesses that are at the more progressive end for that and are big corporates. It's a definite change from the first 18 years of my working life, but I'm sure it's very unevenly distributed.

When it comes to the not working, my DH was very reluctant to pick up the parenting slack, partly because at the time his job hunting was very intensive and he could apply for loads of roles per day (sadly those days are gone in his industry) so I kind of shrugged and accepted it as his jobs brought in a lot more money than I did. Though in retrospect I should have demanded more from him. He did do pick ups and stuff, but I was still having to take leave in the holidays to entertain the kids, which irked me somewhat.

Being self conscious about being at the school gates as a dad seems v bizarre this century, let alone the last five years…!

I really don’t get the point about being self conscious at the school gates. We both work FT but I do drop offs and DH does pick ups so he’s more than one ‘hanging around the gates’. I think this is pretty normal, I know loads of families with a similar set up.

I did take an extended mat leave then look for a new job but I would never have asked for a different interview slot and specifically cited childcare reasons as I don’t think that gives the best impression that you’re ready to return to work.

Yeah, you just say you can't do that time. I wouldn't mention pick up or whatever, although you'd guess they could put 2 and 2 together on that!